“Cute, querida, but I’m being serious here. You cannot tell me that you didn’t know that I want more from you, from us.”
“Skull, what happened in that cabin was—”
“Fucking phenomenal.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that barely two weeks ago, you hated to even look at me. It doesn’t change the fact that a week ago, you had another woman in your bed, and it doesn’t change the fact that the past will always be between us.”
I take a breath, rubbing the back of my neck. Hell, why do women have to complicate shit?
“I was angry at you,” I start, the words lodging in my throat.
“You’re still angry with me, Skull. You might be trying to hide it, but it’s still there.”
“What do you want me to say, Beth? Do you want me to tell you that it didn’t rip my heart out to think you were dead? Do you want me to tell you that I thought about swallowing a bullet when I thought I had killed you? Do you want me to tell you that when I found out over two years later that you were not only alive, but that you had my child out there somewhere, that I didn’t want to…?”
“Want to what, Skull? See, now you’re being honest! Stop hiding behind whatever this is and tell me. Stop hiding from me!” she insists, and she doesn’t know what she’s asking. If I let this anger out, this monster that keeps clawing its way to the surface, I’m not sure either of us will survive.
“Beth,” I start, my voice hoarse.
“Give me the truth, Skull. You want to put the past behind us? Then let’s get it all out. Let’s finally have it out,” she insists.
Shit…
I hope I know what I’m doing. I just can’t take this nice Skull. It’s good, getting to know him all over again and spending time with him. That’s all great. But he’s not the man I fell in love with. He’s trying to be someone else, and it’s driving me crazy. Worse… I don’t know why he’s trying.
He gets up, raking his hands through his hair, then walks towards the lake, giving me his back. I stay where I’m at, afraid to move.
“Beth. Fuck, I don’t want to do this.” He turns around and there’s anguish all over his face. I hate it. I despise it because, I played a part in putting it there. “Why can’t we just go forward?”
I swallow. “Skull…”
“You want the truth?” he asks, and at this point, I’m not sure, but instinctively I know I have to hear it.
“Tell me,” I whisper, wondering if he can tell how hoarse my voice is, if he can hear the fear contained in it.
“Losing you destroyed me. It felt like someone cut my motherfucking heart out. I wanted to swallow a fucking bullet and follow you. Jesus Christ, there were so many nights I almost did, but I just couldn’t make myself pull the trigger! I was weak and couldn’t just… end it.”
I thought I was prepared. I wasn’t. To picture him holding a gun even thinking about taking his life… To picture this alpha male, who is so larger than life, being that low… knowing it was my fault… it kills me. I feel the tears leaking from my eyes. I can’t stop them. My eyes are glued to Skull’s face, to the anguish so real it’s like a living thing.
“I thought nothing could be worse than that, querida. I thought that was the worst fucking thing I would ever live through. Then I find out almost two years later that you’re alive. That you have my daughter and you’re out there somewhere. I hated you, Beth. I wanted to make you suffer. I wanted to destroy you, just like you… destroyed me…”
“Skull…”
“Do you know how I found out you were alive?”
“Skull, maybe…” I start, wanting him to stop, not sure I can take what comes next.
“I was in bed with another woman. With Teena. I had been alone for a year and a half, and I just wanted to feel… alive again. I was starting to feel normal, and then I get this call, and once again, you singlehandedly destroyed my world.”
And I thought I was crying before. His words rip what’s left of my heart out. I get up and take off running back the way we came. I don’t know where I’m going; I only know that I need to get away, that I have to get away from his words, from what they mean, from the… pain.
He grabs me from behind, not letting me escape. I yank my body away from him, taking a few steps away. His face is right there in front of me and I can see his own pain and he has tears shining in his eyes.
“You can’t run away from me! You wanted me to tell you the truth!” he growls.