It was my turn to blink. “I don’t think so,” I said.
“Why?” she asked, looking genuinely curious.
I sighed. “Senna, do you…?” I trailed off, considering my question, but then continued on. “Do you know the circumstances of our marriage?” I asked.
“Are the circumstances important for this conversation?”
Another nonanswer. “I guess not, but I wouldn’t read anything into my presence,” I said.
I left “or my eventual absence” unsaid.
“You think I’m reading in,” Senna said, looking serious. “You shouldn’t. I know him well, and he’s different now. Maybe he’s settling down. Maxim is way less intense than he used to be before Luka was born.”
I nearly choked on the water I had started to sip. I could hardly look the man in the face, and Senna considered that mellow. “Glad I didn’t meet him before,” I muttered.
She smiled indulgently and for a moment I stared at her, debating whether or not to say what I was thinking.
I decided that I would.
This woman had offered me something I hadn’t had in years. Friendship. I didn’t know if it was possible for that to grow, had no real experience with it outside of my family. Senna would be the first person I wasn’t related to that I’d be able to speak to who had some degree of understanding of my life.
And I wanted that friendship desperately, desperately enough to risk alienating her forever.
“Are you okay, Daniela?” she asked, concerned.
“Yes. I just wanted to say…”
I looked at her and then looked away, wanting to keep my shame from her. Gaze averted, I whispered, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“For what?” she asked.
I could hear the concern in her voice, but I still didn’t look up.
“For whatever my father did to you,” I said, my eyes still lowered.
I couldn’t look at her, but I didn’t need to. Santo had done something to her, probably something horrible. I couldn’t think of another reason why Maxim would concern himself with our little family, and with Santo’s business.
“Daniela, it’s not your responsibility to apologize for someone else’s actions,” Senna said.
The conviction in her voice made me look up. “I know it’s not my responsibility, but I want to. I’m sorry. I know it won’t help, and I know he’ll never say it, but I am,” I said.
“Thank you,” she said after long seconds had stretched between us. But her expression was still troubled, and a moment later, she spoke. “Why did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Apologize for him,” she said.
Her voice hitched over the word “him,” again reminding me that her experiences with my father were less than pleasant.
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “It’s just a habit, I guess. My mother was always big on making sure we took responsibility for our actions.”
“Santo’s actions aren’t yours,” she said.
“I know they’re not, but if there’s something I can do to soften their impact, then I will. That’s only right,” I said.
Senna’s expression was more stern than I had seen it before. “You don’t owe him anything,” she said.
I shook my head. “Senna, you’re wrong. I owe him everything.”
She shook her head in disbelief, but there was no avoiding that fact.
“He may want you to think that,” she finally said, “but it’s not true.”
“You don’t understand,” I said.
“I understand more than you think and more than I care to.”
“Do you know how I ended up with the Carmellis?” I asked.
“No,” she said.
I’d never told the story to anyone, not even Sergei. He probably knew it; everyone did, but I’d never spoken the words. I needed to now.
“My birth parents…” I started and then stopped. I hated to think of them as that. Hated to think of them at all, but I hadn’t quite thought of a word for them. I continued, “They were drug addicts, and they owed,” I said.
“He bought you?” she asked, horror crossing her face.
“No. But my mother did. Somehow, and I still don’t know how, she found out that there were a couple of junkies looking to get rid of two little girls. She stepped in and saved me and my sister from God only knows what horrific fate,” I said.
My voice still trembled, and though the emotion had lessened over the years, I’d never lost sight of how close I’d been to a very different life.
“And Santo allowed it,” Senna said.