Regency Christmas Wishes(92)

Pamela was subdued as she dressed for dinner that night. Her maid had been given the night off to celebrate with the other servants, and so Pamela frowned as she tried to anchor a rosy camellia in her curls, to top off her holiday garb.

“Why are you scowling?” Jonathan asked as he came into the room. “You look lovely. No, better than that. You look like the very spirit of Christmas.”

She wore a simple green silk gown with a golden stole, and looked so fresh and lovely, so innocent and yet desirable that he caught his breath. But they had such problems of late that he was reluctant to drop a kiss on her bare shoulder as he longed to do—as he would once have done without thinking.

She shrugged, causing her breasts to rise and fall, along with his pulse. “I always wear green and gold at Christmas,” she said diffidently.

She glanced at him from under her lashes. He looked elegant tonight, as always. He wore a gray jacket and slate unmentionables, both matching his cool steady eyes. His waistcoat was a symphony of burgundy and green. He looked so handsome, yet so immaculate and untouchable, that she wanted to weep.

“What?” he said quickly, and took her in his arms.

She shook her head, unable to speak. It suddenly was too much. She couldn’t go on like this. He was so near and yet so far, and growing further away from her every hour. Bad as it would be at any time, the comparison of all her past happy Christmas memories and the awful reality of this sudden impasse with the man she loved most was simply unendurable. She needed joy now, at this important time of year. She needed closeness, and love, and him. The only thing left to do was to offer him the only thing she could give him: truth.

“Oh, Jonathan,” she sighed against his chest. “I feel so . . . I have to apologize to you,” she said, pushing him away, and holding him literally at arm’s length. “I carried on like a shrew because you took me to the Fanshawes’.”

“You were right to do so,” he said, frowning because of the tears he saw starting in her eyes.

“Well, yes, and no,” she said. “Later, in retrospect, I suppose I was. But not at first. At first, they couldn’t be nicer to me. And yet I carried on like a madwoman before I even found out what they were like, without giving them a chance. But you! Here you are, in the heart of nowhere, bored to bits by my family, and you haven’t said a word. Not one word of complaint, not once wished to go home.”

“Yes, I have,” he said. “And yes I did.”

“Well, yes,” she conceded. “But only after I attacked you. In retaliation, I’m sure. I think you’d have borne it all in silence, otherwise. I’m glad you didn’t, because otherwise I wouldn’t have seen it. I’m so sorry I didn’t pay attention to you. But the truth is that when you’re so polite when I get angry, it only makes me madder.”

“In future, I’ll try to bluster, shout, and scream,” he said humbly.

“Would you?” she asked.

“If you wish.”

“I do!” she said. “When you’re so quiet it just makes me want to stick you with a pin. I’m not used to silence.”

“I grew up with nothing else. I promise I will shout the house down the next time you vex me,” he vowed.

She giggled. “I can’t imagine that! But I wish you’d try. Then I’d know where I stand. Please, let me get on with my apology. Because if carrying on is necessary for me to clear the air, and it is, you must understand that a total apology is as important to me in order to make amends. It’s what I’m accustomed to. We are a very dramatic family, you see.”

“I begin to understand,” he said with an admirably straight face. “Carry on. Literally or figuratively. I am at your command.”

“Well,” she said, “only today did I allow myself to see what you have suffered since you got here. You’re far too polite! I let you know how I hated being at the Fanshawes’ immediately, even before I got there.”

“I should have listened to you, and we would never have gone there.”

She shook that off. “It doesn’t signify. At least, maybe it does, but that’s not what I’m speaking about now. You see, it was only after we were here that you showed me your discontent with being here at all.”

“No, that’s not true. I didn’t want to come here.”

“Well, yes,” she admitted. “And I do think that was wrong of you. Even so, we are here, and you suffer. I know that’s so,” she added before he could speak. “My family means well, but we don’t consider what it is to be an outsider, and I suspect that even though we’re married it will take some time before you’re part of our inner circle. That is, if you even wish to be.”