Refuge(84)

Feeling slightly better now that I had a course of action, I dressed and headed down to breakfast. I passed Olivia on the stairs, and the questioning glance she shot me was enough to tell me how awful I looked. My head felt like it was full of cotton, and I wasn’t sure if the queasiness in my stomach was from hunger or lack of sleep. If there ever was a day I needed Starbucks, this was it. A venti Mocha could do wonders for me right now.

All thoughts of coffee flew out of my head when I entered the dining hall and the first two people I spotted were Nikolas and Celine having breakfast together. They were not alone – Tristan and Chris sat with them – but that did not stop me from remembering the intimate scene between Nikolas and Celine the night before. As if she heard my thoughts, Celine leaned to one side to say something to Nikolas, laying her hand possessively over his. Anger burned through me, pounding in my ears and filling me with the urge to go over there and rip her hand away from him and let her know that he was . . .

He is what? I came up short, and my irrational anger immediately dissolved, leaving me confused and hot with embarrassment. Suddenly, the thought of food made me want to throw up. I spun on my heel and walked out as fast as I could without drawing attention to me. I sucked in a deep breath but it wasn’t enough; the air felt stifling and heavy. Outside – I needed to be outside, to breathe fresh air or I would suffocate.

I exited by the nearest door and stood still, breathing deeply of the crisp air, and letting the morning chill cool my heated face and calm my frazzled emotions. What was wrong with me? Had I really almost gone over to their table? The thought of how close I had come to total humiliation sent me striding across the lawn, searching for a place to pull myself together. A few people waved to me as I passed them, but to my relief, no one tried to talk to me. I found myself at the river, where the deep rushing water drowned out every other sound and slowly began to draw the tension from my body.

Sitting on the grassy bank with my knees drawn up to my chest, I stared the fast-moving water without really seeing it. What had just happened back there? It was like I had no control over my emotions anymore, and that scared me more than I could say. I was fine before I’d started training with Nikolas. Had connecting with my Mori somehow made me more susceptible to its emotions and urges? Maybe it was my demon’s rage I’d felt a little while ago and not my own.

I folded my arms across my knees and rested my forehead on them, wishing there was someone I could talk to about this. My first thought was Roland, but I quickly dismissed it. He never let himself develop feelings for a girl, so he wouldn’t understand. Jordan might be able to explain the Mori emotions, but as soon as I mentioned Nikolas she would probably start planning my wedding. Hell would freeze over before I confided in my grandfather about my sudden attraction to a guy who happened to be his friend. That was just too weird, and I’d probably need therapy after.

Remy would know exactly what to say, but he was the one person I could not talk to. I took a deep shuddering breath. It looked like I was on my own for this one.

“Are you okay?”

My body tensed and my head jerked up when Nikolas spoke from a few feet behind me. I’d been so consumed by my thoughts that I hadn’t heard or sensed him approach.

“You left without eating and you can’t train on an empty stomach.” He came to stand near me. “These are your favorite, right?”

I looked up to see him holding a wrapped blueberry muffin, and I stared at it for several seconds before I took it. “Thanks,” I said thickly without meeting his eyes.

“Are you going to tell me what is wrong with you?”

“I’m fine.”

“I think I know you well enough to know that is not true.” He sat on the grass beside me, and I became hyperaware of his scent and his arm almost touching mine. I tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry.

“I didn’t sleep last night and I’m tired,” I managed to say. I picked at the muffin’s plastic wrap and hoped my explanation would satisfy him.

“Is that all? You sound upset.” The concern lacing his voice made me want to cry on his shoulder and run away from him at the same time. Why couldn’t he be overbearing, annoying Nikolas right now instead of the nice one?

I stared at the foaming water; half wishing it could take me away from his perceptive gaze and unsettling kindness. “Not getting any sleep messes me up.”

He was quiet for a long moment, and I felt his eyes on me. “Perhaps we overdid it yesterday in training.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“We’ll skip training today,” he said to my surprise. “Is there anything else you want to do instead? We could take that trip to town.”