Refuge(152)

I was trembling from fatigue when I emerged from the bathroom and fell onto the bed without bothering to turn off the lamp. But though my body was spent, my mind refused to shut down, and it kept replaying every horrific detail of the night when I closed my eyes. After thirty minutes of torture, I grabbed the quilt off the bed and curled up on the couch, flicking through TV channels for anything to distract me. I settled on an English comedy even though I was too tired to try to make out what they were saying.

But even the show’s raucous laughter could not keep the dark thoughts away for long, and I found myself thinking about Michael, who had looked so young and innocent in the medical ward. How was it that no one had seen how delusional and desperate he was until it was too late? We had some of the best technology and medicine in the world, yet we had failed to help one troubled boy. In the short time I’d known Michael I had seen how obsessed he was with finding his brother. It was the same obsession I’d seen in myself when I’d searched for my dad’s killer. I wished I had said something to Tristan about him. Even though Michael had betrayed me in the worst way, all I wanted to do was cry for the wasted life of the boy I had believed was my friend.

My chest constricted painfully when I let myself think about Olivia and Mark. Olivia had been so animated compared to Mark’s quieter personality, but they had been happy together. The two of them were orphans, but unlike me, they had no other family but each other. And now they were gone. They were dead because of me. I should not be here safe with the people I loved while Olivia and Mark lay on cold slabs in the morgue.

I buried my face in the quilt to smother my sobs. I didn’t hear the door open or realize I was no longer alone until the couch dipped beside me. I went blindly into Nikolas’s arms and pressed my face against his soft sweater.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t bear all these people getting hurt because of me.”

“None of this was your fault,” he said against my hair. “No one expected the vampires to try something like this. If you have to blame anyone, blame me. I promised you and Nate that you would be safe here.”

“I can’t blame you.” Since the day we met, Nikolas had done everything in his power to protect me. He might choose to ignore the truth, but my conscience would not let me forget so easily. And the truth was this started the night I decided to meet a stranger at the Attic to get answers about my dad. Before that night, Eli and his Master had no idea where or what I really was. Since then, Roland, Peter, and Nate had all been hurt in attempts to get to me. How long would it be before one of them met a worst fate?

“You all could have died tonight,” I said, hiccupping loudly. “I couldn’t bear it if . . . ”

Nikolas wrapped his arms tighter around me. “Nothing will happen to us. Now that we know the lengths this vampire will go to, we will step up security and put every resource we have into finding him. I will never let them take you. That is one promise I will take to my grave.”

“Don’t say that.” I shuddered at the thought of him dying, and the cold realization hit me that he would willingly give up his life to protect me. I would not let him die for me.

The more time that passed, the bolder this Master became. He was never going to stop, and eventually someone I loved would pay the ultimate price. I could not sit back and let that happen. It was time to make some hard decisions and to stop hiding like a frightened rabbit, waiting for the predator to strike.

Nikolas rubbed my back through the quilt. For the first time since I entered the woods with Michael, I felt sheltered and warm. Westhorne was supposed to be my refuge, but tonight had shattered that illusion and opened my eyes to the truth. The only time I felt truly safe was with Nikolas.

He had never wavered or weakened once in the months I’d known him, no matter what danger he faced or how much I’d tried to push him away. When I needed a trainer and a friend he was there. When I thought I’d lost Nate, he was my strength. He sent for Roland and Peter because he knew how much I needed them. He had been patient and put his own feelings aside when I was confused and afraid. He was a warrior in the very best sense of the word.

His hand stilled. “Feel better?” I nodded, and he loosened his embrace.

“Would you . . . stay just a little longer?” I asked when he began to pull away. Tomorrow, I would be strong. Tonight, all I wanted was to feel his arms around me.

“I’ll be here as long as you need me.” He tugged on the quilt that had fallen off my shoulders, pulling it over both of us. Then he moved us until he reclined against the cushioned armrest with me lying against him. Cocooned in his arms with his heart beating beneath my hand, I felt a sense of wholeness and belonging unlike anything I had ever known. It was incredible and wonderful and a little frightening to care so deeply for another person, especially with a monster out there determined to take everyone I loved from me.