Redemption(39)

Once we parked and walked into my suite, we undressed each other in silence and showered one another. There was nothing sexual about it. Somehow, it was more than that. With every stroke and every caress, it made me feel more worshipped than I have ever felt in my life. We never once felt each other in the intimate places we so desperately wanted to. We were just coming together, appreciating one another.

Oh boy, did Dean have the body. For some reason, he seemed more muscular and stronger then I remembered. His tattoos stood out and, for a moment, I stood there staring at each of them. It was in that moment, I noticed three that weren’t there before. Or ones I never noticed were there.

“Dean, you have me on your chest and shoulder. That’s a picture of me when I was younger.”

He kissed my hand and nodded. “You will forever be with me, Tyler. That will never change. The one on my shoulder I got done when I was eighteen. I came back that day to show it to you.” He cringed, wondering if he had made a mistake bringing that up again. “I’m sorry.”

I smiled warmly at him, but still couldn’t get over the shock of one that stood out the most. “Jeremy,” I whispered, stroking the name across his chest.

“I had to do it.” He looked down in shame and, at first, I was struck at just how important that name was to him without him even knowing it. Then I justified it by realizing it was Dean’s way of tormenting himself every day. I knew he felt pain for what he did. I knew he would do anything in his power to take it all back. And I knew he meant every word he said when he told me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

Lifting my hand up to his face, I gently tugged his chin up to meet me. “I know,” I whispered, staring into his guilt-ridden eyes, holding his stare so he knew I meant every word. I could never trivialize his guilt. I knew he was suffering. And I knew it would eat away at him for the rest of his life. But it somehow didn’t make this right. It didn’t make what he did right. In the end, he made his choice. And his choice completely destroyed me.

So why was I there with him, basking in his glory? Why was I determined to see this through with him today?

Because, to be brutally honest, I was selfish. I was letting him in because a part of me wanted to feel this. I needed to feel this. The little devil inside of me was screaming me, me, me, and I couldn’t possibly ignore it. For just these few little hours, I needed to have this connection with Dean. I needed to be close to the boy who once was. And, my god, I had missed him so much that even thinking about it made my insides burn. Right now, I just couldn’t let him go.

“Come to bed with me.” I looked into Dean’s eyes and he nodded, gently kissing me on the lips. He turned the shower off, helped me out, and gently dried us down before leading me to the bed.

This was my moment now. This was me as a young Tyler, reaching out for her hero. Reaching out to the one man she knew would give her everything she desired. I wasn’t going to stop this for nothing. My selfish needs were winning out over anything else. I couldn’t possibly give up this moment.

At the bed, Dean turned and cupped his hands on my face. With a gentle kiss, he closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m going to make sure all your pain is erased.”

And, for just a few hours, he was right.





Chapter 10



Dean



That which redeems consumes.

Pete Abrams



I was feeling so full of hope and joy that I had finally won my Tyler back and, for a moment, I let myself revel in that feeling. Right now, I didn’t want anything to spoil this.

I was lying in bed the morning after and I couldn’t help but smile, remembering everything that happened last night. After the shower, I made love to Tyler for the very first time. I wasn’t rough like how she remembered me to be. I was tender and gentle. I wanted to please her however I could. I wanted her to see the real Dean who had been hiding behind the monster all this time. She needed to know I was still around. She needed to know I wasn’t just a memory.

But I also knew that nothing was “happily ever after”. Tyler was with me but, for some reason¸ I knew this wasn’t it. I hadn’t won her back completely yet.

And that was why I still had my eyes closed. I daren’t open them to find what I knew I would see once I let the light of the day sink in.

An empty space beside me.

Tyler gone.

Tyler missing.

Tyler out of my life for good.

Right now, my eyes were glued tightly shut. To protect me from the agonizing ripple of pain that would engulf me, they wouldn’t open.

So I lay there a few minutes more, remembering the feel of Tyler beneath me, on top of me, beside me. I had to hold onto those memories as tightly as possible, so her leaving me never truly happened.