I walked about two minutes towards the site where Jeremy now rested. As I got closer, I saw some flowers gently resting on his grave. They still looked fresh, so I was glad someone was coming to visit. As I kneeled in front of his grave, I picked up a note that was laying beside it. The rain started falling, dripping off the card I now had in my hand. I wish I could have known you. J. xx
I smiled, knowing it had to be Julie. I was glad Jeremy at least had her visiting him whenever she could.
As that thought came, I sank lower to the ground. My knees were now encased in dirt and my hair was very quickly getting wet, but I didn’t care. At that moment, my world crashed around me. Guilt swam like an endless faucet, threatening to drown me in its path.
“Jeremy, I’m so sorry.” The words strained through the gulf-sized lump in my throat. No matter how much I tried to hold back the tears, they just came and came, and with it came the flood of guilt for leaving him.
“I feel like I’ve let you down and that I could have protected you more. I should have protected you more. And then I went and left you. For four years, I haven’t come to visit you and, for that, I’m a total shit. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me, but I just had to get away. I hope you will find it in your heart to understand.”
I inhaled a deep breath as the sobs wrecked havoc against my chest. I just had to get the words out. If there was life after death and Jeremy was with me now, I had to make sure he knew just how much he meant to me. “God, I miss you so much.”
As the tears streamed endlessly down my face, I stroked his name engraved into the stone. I thought I had somehow moved on from this, but coming here just brought it all out of me again. Time may have passed, but the wounds were still as fresh as ever.
“I love you more than you will ever know. I’m so sorry I never got to tell you that before you died. I’m so sorry I didn’t do enough to help you. I... I...” I couldn’t seem to get any more words out. The tears flooded and with them came a heart-wrenching sob that couldn’t have possibly come out of my mouth, but it did. I sank lower and cried. All I could do was hang my head and mourn the loss of a wonderful boy who stole my heart over four years ago.
In the midst of my despair, I felt a jacket being placed around my shoulders, then a set of arms encircled me. For a moment, I just sat there, breathing in his soothing scent. I let it surround me because the sick part of me wanted to let him in again. It wanted his comfort. It wanted his love.
Then clarity came and the anger surfaced. My whole body started to shake and the more I shook, the more Dean’s arms tightened around me. But no matter how much I craved his comfort, no amount of it could ever take away what he did. No amount of his love would wash away his betrayal.
Shaking my head, I pushed at him to let me go. He did and I quickly stood up to face him. He looked torn and as heartbroken as I was, but I couldn’t let him get to me. I was so damn angry, I instantly regretted the first words that came out of my mouth.
“You should be in there, not Jeremy! Jeremy did nothing to you. He was a sweet, innocent boy who didn’t deserve your wrath!” I cringed, feeling the guilt wash over me, but the anger was stronger. My rage towards Dean was winning out.
Dean started towards me, but I held up my hand. He stopped, looking pained, and opened his mouth to speak. “I know, Tyler. I know. I’m the worst scum of the universe. It should be me in there. I wholeheartedly agree with you. I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done.” He came forward again, but I backed away.
“Don’t come near me. I hate you, Dean. I hate what you did, I hate what you became, and I hate what you’re doing to me now. Why did you come here? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I sobbed again, feeling the mixture of the rain and the tears in my mouth. I didn’t want him to reduce me to this, but he had succeeded again. I was a withering mess, all because of a lost boy I loved with all my heart.
My Dean.
My everything.
“I love you, Tyler. I always have and always will. I can’t let you go because you’re the only person who can breathe oxygen into my lungs, blood to my beating heart, thoughts into my brain. I live only for you, Tyler. Can’t you see that? You were always meant to be mine.”
I shook my head through my tears. I couldn’t let him see how much his words affected me. They were the only words I had ever wanted to hear. The only words I had ever dreamed of hearing. But not like this. Not after what he’d done.
“You took away that right when you started stalking me, playing with me, and taking away everyone I loved.”