I sighed. “If I don’t laugh, I’ll fall apart. I can’t be doing that. Not now. I need to be strong for Jeremy, and I need to be strong for Dean.”
“What are you going to tell Jeremy?”
I sighed again. “He knows who Dean is now. I just haven’t had the chance to talk to him properly about it. I’m worried about his reaction to finding out about Dean being here but, at the same time, I can’t lie to him, Jimmy. I think I’ve done enough of that. I need to start being a parent and accept the fact that I have the responsibility to do what’s right for our son.”
We got to the ICU and Jimmy squeezed my hand. “I understand.”
It was there that I gripped my eyes shut. The last time I visited an ICU unit was when I lost someone I considered a brother to me. I had to admit that I was scared shitless. I didn’t want this to be happening a second time. It was too much before, but this would be unbearable for me now.
As if sensing my anguish, Jimmy placed his hand on my shoulder. “You can do this. I know you can.”
Hearing Jimmy say those words made me smile. It wasn’t enough to take away my fear, but was enough for me to carry on. Enough for me to force myself to see Dean.
Luckily for me, I looked in the window and saw a nurse I was familiar with, but whose name escaped me. She looked up and smiled as I waved at her.
She walked over and opened the door. “Jessica, hi. Evan told me you would be coming.”
“He did? That’s good.” I saw her look Jimmy up and down. It wasn’t an obvious leer, but a leer nonetheless. “This is Jimmy, a very close friend.”
She held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Chelsea.”
Chelsea! How on earth I forgot that was anybody’s guess, considering I lived close to Chelsea in London for years on end!
Jimmy gave her that I will get you into trouble the minute you look at me smile and shook her hand. “Nice to meet you, Chelsea.”
I could tell Jimmy wasn’t flirting with her, but I guess he just had this natural way about him that made you think he was. Chelsea certainly looked like she could hardly stand after the encounter.
“Can I come in?” I thought I had better break the spell. Jimmy was taken and it would only end up disappointing her even more when she found out.
She snapped her head to me and cleared her throat. “Sure,” she said, stepping aside.
I went to walk in, but Jimmy grabbed my arm. “I’ll stay out here for a moment. I want to let you be alone with him for a while. Just come and get me when you’re ready.”
I nodded, seeing how eager he was to see him. “Of course.” I smiled and he let go of my arm. Chelsea shut the door behind me and led me to the bed.
I didn’t expect my reaction, but when I felt the nurse holding me up, I knew I had almost collapsed. “I’m sorry,” I muttered. Dean looked like half the man I knew him to be. His face was barely recognizable. Both his eyes were swollen shut and bruised. His cheeks were puffy and bruised. It took everything in my power to keep standing.
“Are you okay?”
I didn’t realize until that moment that I had my hand gripped tightly to my chest. Maybe I was trying to hold my heart in place. Just looking at him broke me all over again. He couldn’t die. I wouldn’t let him.
“I’m fine,” I lied. “I just didn’t expect to see…to see…” I couldn’t possibly say anymore. If I uttered one more word, I think I would have had a breakdown.
Chelsea patted my shoulder. “It will take time, but he’s made it this far.”
I smiled at her, knowing that was as much as she could offer me. I knew she couldn’t promise me he would be okay, that everything would turn out all right in the end. Time was all I had now.
“Sit next to him for a little while. Talk to him. Let him know you’re here.”
I nodded as she walked away. Sitting down next to the bed. I placed my hand on his, but I was afraid I’d break him. I had to laugh at that analogy. Dean was unbreakable, so how could I possibly worry about whether or not I should hold his hand? It seemed unfathomable, but I still couldn’t help it when I looked at him. Right now, I considered him a china doll. Every touch had to be soft, as gentle as possible.
I placed my hand on his, noticing how fragile mine looked compared to his. One little movement and he could snap my finger in half. I slowly trailed my fingers up and down the back of his hand. I still felt as though I had to be as gentle as possible.
I looked up, taking in the sight of him. He was hooked up to every conceivable piece of machinery. His heart was being monitored, he had a breathing tube inserted, and bandages covered his chest and shoulders. Pain gripped me when I remembered what Evan said about burn marks on his skin. How could one person do this to another? What made it worse was that Dean took it. He went there probably knowing he would be tortured, but he did it anyway. He did it to save our son.