Redeeming You(40)

“Cam,” she said, placing her hand on his leg. “What I said…wasn’t fair or accurate and it definitely doesn’t reflect what I think about you.”

Turning to look at her, he furrowed his brow in confusion. “Then why’d you say it?”

She dropped her head into her hands. “I panicked.”

He shook his head, not understanding what she meant. “Why?”

“I just…” She dropped her hands, reaching for him and he leaned away. “I don’t want to get hurt, and after being with you, it felt too real and I wanted to reestablish our boundaries. I don’t know…put a little space between us.”

“I know I don’t have the best track record, but why did you immediately assume I’d hurt you?”

She sighed, her breath shaky. “I don’t know how much you've heard about my childhood.” She bit her lower lip and he pulled it from her mouth. “Did Alec share anything with you?”

“Not much, just that it wasn’t a happy one.”

She nodded as she played with the hem of her oversized Pearl Jam t-shirt. “My dad died when I was really young. I hardly remember him, and once he was gone, our life fell apart. My mom…well, she fell apart. Alec said she wasn’t always such a wreck, but I can’t remember much of her before my dad died, so I can’t say that she was any better before then.”

“How old were you when he died?”

“Five.” He grabbed her hand, wanting to touch her because he could see how hard this was for her. Turning her head, she gave him a weak smile. “My memories of her after my dad died are all bad, not a single good one.” She released a bitter laugh. “No, that’s not true. I loved the day Alec drove me to college and I never had to see her again.”

Pulling her close, Cam ran his hands through her hair, not entirely sure what to say. He wanted to know what made life with her mom so bad, but he didn’t want to push her. For now, he’d just hold her, and hopefully she’d eventually trust him enough to share the rest.

“My mom wasn’t actively mean all the time, mostly she was neglectful and forgetful, but sometimes more and that more was unpleasant, to put it mildly.”

Imaging the worst, his hand froze in her hair at her words, and she tensed so he started the soft brushing strokes again. “But you had Alec,” he said, reassuring himself more than her because what did he actually know. Alec was always vague about the details of his life and Cam stopped prying years ago. If Alec didn’t want to share, you couldn’t make him. He could be a stubborn ass when he wanted to be.

“Yeah, I did, but Alec is five years older than me and he left to chase his dream, and without him around to prop her up, my mom slipped into an even darker place. Alec always pushed her to maintain some sort of employment and make the occasional meal. Once he left, she stopped trying. Her drinking had always started after work, but once she didn’t work anymore, it started in the morning. She kept bottles of vodka in her nightstand. Sometimes, she didn’t even bother to get out bed and other times she’d be gone for days. I was happier when she was gone.” She shuddered and he held her tighter, wanting to protect her. Then he kissed the top of her head.

“The stars on my wrist,” she said as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Yeah,” he prompted, already sensing that he wouldn’t like her next sentence.

“I got the first one to cover up a cigarette burn from one of her boyfriends. He didn’t like my attitude and he used my arm as an ashtray. My mom actually laughed. Can you imagine?” Her voice broke on the last word.

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what to say.”

She looked up at him, but her eyes were distant, focused on some place or time far away from him. She exhaled loudly as she brushed her hair behind her ear. “There’s nothing to say. I hate talking about it, because in my twisted mind, talking about it gives those memories more power.” She closed her eyes momentarily. “I don’t want my past to have more power over me than it already does. Does that even make sense?”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” he said to reassure her and comfort her even though he wanted to rip her mother apart for failing to protect Taylor. Even more disconcerting, Cam suspected the story about the cigarette was one of the milder stories Taylor could have shared with him, and that made him physically ill. He couldn’t stand the thought of anyone hurting Taylor, not even him. She was perfect. Couldn’t her mom see that?