Eric knotted his fingers in his hair. I don’t have to tell her. She has no right to ask. What could it possibly matter? I’m back. I’m doing everything I can. What business is it of hers?
“What you heard was true,” he heard himself say. “I did once have an affair with Lady Fire in the Dark. She was a friend of my sister and married to a half-dead cousin of ours. She was so beautiful … I loved her. I really did. She … we … she became pregnant and I was the father of the child. You know the law. No child of an adulterous union carries a name from the Nameless. It has to die. I was a Teacher. I had to … I had to …” He couldn’t finish. She looked at him with mute sympathy and he remembered she had borne seven children but only had four that lived. He wondered briefly if some Teacher had declared one or more to be tainted, but he didn’t ask. “She cursed me. Threw me out of the house for obeying the Law and the Words. I was in shock. I went home. I thought, some rest, some contemplation, and I’d be all right.
“I stayed in First City for two months. The longest I’d been home in years. My sister, Mind, had a new husband.” He waved his hand toward the houses. “And I started noticing things about him. How he watched me. Some things he said. Curious papers he’d hide when I came around. He … it didn’t take me long to work it out. He was a Heretic. He was listening to a group of people who were suggesting that the Words didn’t come from the Nameless and the Servant, that the apocrypha had been taken out by the Teachers, not the Nameless …” He caught her glance and saw her wry humor creeping into her expression. “All right, all right. I was young. I was a Teacher!” He raised both palms toward the sky. “I believed. Nameless Powers preserve me, I believed. All of it. Including that Heretics had to die. I couldn’t … not so soon after Lady Fire …
“I went to my father instead. And do you know what he said? He said that he knew that Heart was a Heretic. That it was useful to have him about. That way they knew what the First City groups were up to, because he always told Mind and Mind reported it all straight to Father and Mother. So I would do nothing. Nothing at all.”
Eric hung his head. “By rights I should have killed him as a Heretic. Should have taken down the whole house. Those are the words of the Nameless. Those are the words of the Servant.”
“But you didn’t,” said Arla.
“No.” Eric raised his head again and looked past her into the trees. “I left again. I tried to go on procession. Thought some weeks of hard living would take my doubts away. I even thought about dropping myself straight into the Dead Sea …” He forced himself to stop and start again. “Then I got to Tiered Side and I started hearing the most blasphemous story I’d heard yet. About people from over the World’s Wall wandering about. I found them in the Temple with one of the Teachers, an old, half-blind, all-the-way crazy woman who was trying to ward them off. It was Tasa Ad and Kessa and they were trying to find somebody, a Teacher for preference, to go over the World’s Wall with them.
“It seemed an even grander defiance than killing myself. So I did.” He shook his head. “By then I hated this whole crashing world and everything in it, but I hated Heart most of all. I hated him for being alive when my son was dead. I hated him for driving me out of my home. I hated myself for not doing my duty. I hated the Nameless and the Servant …”
She laid her hands on his forearms. “It’s all right,” she said.
“I’m not so certain it is.” He looked down at her hands where they touched him. He could feel the warmth of her skin on his. It crept up his arms with such intensity it might have been his own power gift flowing through him. “If it was all right, then why is all this happening?”
She smiled her crooked smile then, like he’d known she would. “That is what we are trying to find out, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” He covered her hand with his and this time she did not pull away. They stood like that for a long time. Eric wanted badly to pull her close to him, to take comfort from her strength and her body, but he knew he couldn’t. He’d let the whole world know he was a Teacher. If the clan caught them, even like this, the law declared Arla would have to be at least beaten for daring to touch him. But since this was her family, they might try to drive him off for daring to touch her.
“What,” he asked, “are you going to do about …” He looked toward the direction Nail in the Beam had taken when he left.