His hands opened wide at his side, the fingers straight and rigid as sticks of wood. “You don’t understand! The Aunorante Sangh found the Realm because of me! I led them straight to it! This is all happening because of my heresy!”
His breathing was ragged and his throat was raw and his ears rang.
Arla watched him silently for a moment, then she said, “All the more reason you should go back and make it right.”
He wanted to shout that it was not that simple, that there was no returning, not for him, not ever, that he would not give them satisfaction by recanting his actions. That he could not, he would not, be forced to regret what he had done in front of the Seablade House, however much he might do so when he was alone.
But he couldn’t. All he could do was stand there and shake like a terrified fool, watching her watch him with her impassive, unforgiving eyes.
At last those eyes widened and she said, “Nameless Powers preserve me, they really did get to you, didn’t they?”
“Yes,” he whispered. “Yes.”
He had no idea how long they stood like that. He was too caught up in the riot inside him and the memory of those long years when he thought he was free. Now that illusion was shattered at his feet and all that was left was a broken, terrified slave whose masters had proved disloyal.
At last, he ran his hands through his hair, a habit he had learned from Perivar. “If I gave you the operational parameters, do you really think you could find a way to get the ship back to the Realm?”
He expected a show of triumph, but again his expectations were wrong. She simply shrugged. “I think I might. If I get enough information.”
“I think I know what you need.”
The ghost box was already plugged into the comm board. “Perivar?” he asked.
She nodded. “He set it up and worked the transmission by remote from Kethran.”
Eric looked at the cube for a moment, tracing the length of cable with his eyes. “Why didn’t he come with you?”
Arla hesitated. “Because he felt he owed a greater debt to his partner’s children. Kiv was killed because he refused to hand me over to the Aun … the Vitae.”
Eric felt his shoulders stiffen. He left? After everything … he hung his head. What did I ever really bring him? I saved his life and he saved mine and we spent the last six years trying to forget about each other. Why should I be surprised he’s left me on my own? He felt an itch between his shoulder blades and remembered Arla was watching him.
He straightened up. “Then you know that this”—he laid his hand on the box—“is basically all the two contraband runners who took me off the Realm knew about their ship.”
He tapped the screen three times to bring up Kessa’s image by itself. “What history I’ve got of this ship is in here, and if anyone could get past the Vitae, it was her.” He pointed at Kessa’s image and shook himself to try to chase away the memory of her lying dead on the deck plates.
Arla sat in the terminal’s chair and drew one of her stones out of the pouch. “I can learn without the stone, but it makes rearranging things later much more difficult.” She hit the PLAY key on the console and cupped the stone in her hand.
“Whaddaya want?” demanded Kessa.
“I want to know about the U-Kenai,” answered Arla. Her voice was heavy, as if there were a weight pressing against it.
Kessa started talking. “U-Kenai, it means ‘Second Chance.’ Good little ship …”
Eric watched Arla. Her eyes fastened on the recording without blinking or flickering. She sat like a Vitae Ambassador, not moving, barely even breathing. She wasn’t watching what passed in front of her, she was absorbing it.
A strange awkwardness washed over him and he automatically retreated to the bridge. But it wasn’t Cam in the pilot’s chair, oblivious to his presence. Adu turned around and wrinkled the skin over his eye sockets in a jerky imitation of humans raising their eyebrows.
Eric turned away again and, trying not to see Arla, shut himself into his cabin.
“Garismit’s Eyes!” He sank onto the bed and stared at the blank surface of the door. “What is the matter with me?”
I don’t know. He rubbed his palms together. That’s really it. I’ve always known what I was leaving behind. I knew the Realm. I knew all its rules and I knew all its ranks and its choking, stupid laws and Words. Then, she turns up and it turns out I never knew a crashing thing, not about the People, or the world, or her. Especially not about her.
And I’ve just said I’ll go back, to this place I don’t know.
Eric leaned against the side of the bunk’s nook and rubbed his eyes wearily. What do I think I’ll do when I get there? Put on Garismit’s robe and lead this Notouch into the Earth to move the Realm again? Save the world? I can’t even save myself.