It wasn’t Matthew’s actions that bothered me, no it was my own. That first day standing at that table looking down at him, his hair wild and sexy, muscles nicely tanned under the tank he was wearing. Before he’d even picked up his head and I’d seen those intense eyes, something strange had started unfurling in the pit of my stomach. Something I shouldn’t be feeling, not after what I’d been through. He had danger written all over him and if I had any sense, I’d stay the hell away from him. It could only lead to trouble and I’d had enough of that to last me a lifetime.
When he’d looked at me with such disdain and growled like an angry bear instead of fear, I’d felt a kernel of excitement. For the barest of seconds, I’d felt just a little tingle of…what? I don’t know. I never had a chance to experience young love. Never knew what it was like to be the object of someone’s affection; never been part of that enigma. The teenage love story. Something else I’d had to sacrifice because of one man’s obsession. My throat choked up with tears as I mourned another lost. For the first time since my nightmare had begun, I wished for things that I had long denied myself. There was no hope for it though, and besides who said he was even interested? In both our interactions, I’d found myself on the receiving end of his displeasure…
“Pumpkin you okay? You’ve been standing there with a lost look on your face for about five minutes.” Dad is constantly watching and waiting. I know he expects me to have another meltdown and it scares him. “Sorry dad I was just thinking about something, I’m fine I promise.” I turned to the sink where I’d been about to rinse my coffee cup before I got sidetracked. I couldn’t bear to see that look of worry that was a constant thing with my dad these days. It’s the first time since I was a kid that we’re living together and we can’t even enjoy that because of one man’s craziness. No don’t go there Kadyn, you have enough to deal with without dropping back into that deep dark hole. I haven’t thought of him this much in a long time, not since I came here and felt free for the first time in forever.
“You can take the day off if you need to I’ll call Janet to cover…”
“No dad that’s okay I’ve got it.” Working keeps me busy and helps the days go by faster. It keeps me from dwelling too much on the past and the bleak future ahead of me. I’m eighteen years old and already I feel like my life is over. The unfairness of it all threatens to cripple me sometimes but the shrink said I have to fight to overcome those feelings. Easy for him to say he’s not the one living under a dark cloud. I’ve seen those afterschool specials; I know how these things work. I’ll be running for the rest of my life, looking over my shoulder. And no piece of paper was going to save me from the clutches of a deranged monster who’d vowed to torment me for the rest of my life.
I miss mom but I can’t call her. Too risky the cop had said. It makes me wonder what kind of justice system we have where the victim is constantly under threat from her tormentor. He has all the rights I have none. I guess I am going down that deep dark hole today after all, since my mind doesn’t seem to want to quit. I felt the threat of tears at the corners of my eyes as I tried to hurry out of the room so dad wouldn’t see. I know he feels helpless his hands too are tied. To protect me would mean a jail sentence.
What a world we live in when a man can’t protect his own flesh and blood. But the police and the lawyers had warned him against retaliation. The best he could do was uproot me from my home and move me halfway across the country. While the evil one gets to stay in his home and live freely. I know it’s only a matter of time before he finds me. In this day of technology it wouldn’t take much. The restraining order advising him to stay away wouldn’t do much I’m sure. He’s already made that known. I ran to the bathroom and threw up as the whole sordid mess came crashing down on me.
I stared in the mirror at my drawn face trying to find the girl from a few years ago. Inside I knew she was gone but it was still hard sometimes to let go. Some days I wish I could pretend that the last few years hadn’t happened and just go back to being that carefree young woman who was just starting to blossom. Who would she have become? How far would she have gone to achieve her dreams?
It wasn’t possible that life could be derailed that drastically through no fault of your own. That someone else could take away your control so easily. One day you’re an innocent teenaged girl full of hope and that boundless energy that came with youth, and in the twinkling of an eye you were a shell of yourself. Left bruised and battered in spirit, which I was beginning to think was worst than physical blows. At least those healed with time, my wounds will never heal. Not as long as my tormentor drew breath.
I wonder what would’ve happened had I met Matthew before, in a time when I was free to follow the unusual beating of my heart. I knew what that all meant, I’m not that green. I know what the shortness of breath and the racing heart implied. I know what seeing his face the last thing at night before I closed my eyes entailed; one more dream lost. I went to my room and grabbed my journal for a quick reminder before heading down to the diner. I’d written down a set of rules that I needed to follow in order for my life to have any semblance of normality. There was no place for Matt or anyone else on those pages, there can never be. I will never put another human being in danger that would be selfish after all. But how I wish…
Chapter 7
MATT
I can’t go on like this. One minute, I’m angry about the whole Patti situation and the next, I’m angry about Kadyn. The only common denominator here is anger. I’ve never been an angry person before, but lately it seems that’s all I know. Anger and fear; I’m afraid that I’ll never learn to trust another human being again. That I’ll always be this hard, cold shell that I’ve become.
I want to be excited about going away to school and finally getting the hell out of dodge at least for a little while; but not even that can get me out of the doldrums. Why the hell should this girl have so much influence over me? I don’t know her, but somehow she’s infiltrated my mind and I find I have more thoughts of her than I now do of my unfortunate three-year lapse in judgment.
I’m sure my brother would think that’s a good thing. At least I’ve had sort of a reprieve from his meddling for the past few days. With Carrie sick he’s been like a bear with his paw caught in a trap and I along with the rest of the self preserving members of the human race have been steering clear of his ass. Watching them somehow has opened my eyes to an even more daunting realization. I was never really in love; I’m not sure if that’s worst but I do know it makes me feel like a complete ass.
Patti has tried to contact me more than once since the whole incident. After she’d been home on bail and her and Carrie got into it Josh had lost his mind and dad had pulled some strings to have her held until trial. I’m not sure exactly what he did because her family isn’t without their resources, I guess it came down to who had the biggest balls and dad won. I didn’t tell the family about her attempts to reach out to me through her sister and friends. One because I had no doubt Joshua would find a way to end her and I didn’t want him taking her place behind bars, and two, I had no interest in seeing her ever again. I’d made peace with that at least.
In the beginning it was hard to accept that I could so easily turn my back on someone I loved. I always believed that if I loved someone there wasn’t anything that person could do that would stop me loving them. That I’d be there no matter what, the way my dad was with mom. That had proven false with her and it was only now that I was beginning to accept the reason. Sad, I would’ve gone ahead and married her at some point in the not too distant future and missed…a picture of Kadyn flashed into my head just then and my stupid heart went on alert. “What the fuck?” I rubbed the spot and looked around my room but there were no answers there.
“Ice cream tonight Matt.” My brother walked into my room where I was playing around with a barbell on the side of my bed. He looked sporty in his button down Black Label and tailored slacks with loafers. Nothing at all like the raving lunatic who’s been running up and down the house in sweats and a tank for the past few days ordering everybody around. I hope lil sis hurries up and get better before he goes back into asshole mode. “What do you mean ice cream tonight? You’re gonna leave Carrie?” He looked at me like I was a two year old with a learning disability.
“No asshole, you don’t leave your woman while she’s sick to go get ice cream. She wants ice cream, said she’s feeling better and it’s the only thing she wants so it’s what she’s getting.” Yep he was totally gone, if I ever get like that I’ll throw my ass off a bridge. The thought almost made me smile but since he looked like he was biting nails I decided it was best to keep my humor to myself. My brother, though I always knew he was stronger than others thought and not the book nerd, had morphed into something entirely unexpected in the last few months since meeting and marrying Carrie. It was almost as if I didn’t have to stand watch over him anymore. Nah, that’s a lifetime commitment. Now I grinned at his whipped ass because I suddenly felt lighter.