“So you’re going?” She clapped her hands as though she was really excited to have me tag along behind them. How could she just let that shit go so easily? She almost died that night. I’ll never forget the terror in my brother’s eyes, the fear that we might be too late to save her. And then finding her in that filthy hut with that monster, and my girl had been behind it all. It made no difference that she had no idea this guy was a monster, or that he wasn’t the one that she’d contracted to do her dirty work. The reality of what she’d set out to do was bad enough.
“Yeah I’m going but I don’t know about the living arrangements, I still say you two need your own space.”
“Kill it brother we’re sticking together the same way we always do.”
“You know what’s going to be the best part of getting my shit together?”
“What’s that?” Josh grinned at me the little shit.
“Kicking your ass, I think you forget who’s the oldest here little brother. You’ve been bossing my ass around for weeks.”
“That’s because you’ve been acting like a little bitch, somebody had to take the reins. The ‘rents were worried about you so I had to step up.”
“Well they don’t have to worry anymore.” I stretched my arms over my head and worked the kinks out of my neck. I did feel a lot better after that little talk. Like something heavy had fallen off of my shoulders. They didn’t blame me for what Patti had done after all and maybe with a little time I might stop blaming myself as well. I won’t say I was a hundred percent but that sick, dark feeling was starting to ease a little. “Do you know what I feel like doing little brother?” I grinned over at both of them as they sat cuddled together. I tested my feelings as I watched them; no there was no envy, no bitterness. Just joy that my brother was so fucking happy it was coming out his pores. Thank fuck for that.
Chapter 3
“What do you feel like doing bro?” I turned to Josh who had been listening quietly from the sidelines and for the first time in a long while I found a genuine smile.
“Waffle sundaes at the diner.”
“Dammit, fine, looks like we have to get dressed Lamb, where’s Nessa and the douche?”
“You called?” Andrew and Nessa came out on the patio all smiles, it’s like everyone else had gotten into the happy punch except me. “What the fuck douche were you eaves dropping or some shit, where the hell did you come from?”
“I wish you would refrain from calling my beloved by that insulting term Joshua.”
“Sorry sis, come on douchebag we’re going to the diner.”
“Woot, Waffle sundaes Mattie my man, it’s good to have you back among the living.” The fool jumped over the steps and sprinted towards the garage. Had everyone been waiting for me to get my head out of my ass? Josh and Carrie ran to get dressed while I worked the kinks out of my shoulders and neck. It would be the first time I’d ventured past the property line in a while. With all the laughter and clowning around I realized that the house had been quiet in the last few weeks.
Life went on of course but I’m only now noticing that the usual rowdiness in the Steele mansion had been damn near nonexistent lately, all because they were giving me time and space to get my shit together. I waited in the garage with Nessa and Andrew until Josh and Carrie came back down. There was something I needed to say, something I hadn’t said in way too long.
“I love you lil brother.” I hugged my brother around the neck and kissed his head causing him to gut punch me in return.
“I love you too you ass, now let’s go see who can out eat the douche.”
“You Steele boys are all talk, you can’t take me, tell them babe.”
Nessa just rolled her eyes and gave me a silent hug I guess she’d missed her big brother too.
We all started piling into my Escalade after yelling through the house intercom to the parents that we were going. They’re another pair always locked away behind closed doors; and what the fuck am I thinking? I used to love that about my parents, the fact that with so many of my friends having weekend dads mine couldn’t keep his hands off my mom. Damn I really have become an asshole.
Josh kissed Carrie outside the back passenger door like he was going off to war before letting her in the back with Vanessa and Andrew and climbing up front with me.
“You sure you can tear yourself away? It’s a good ten minutes to the diner I wouldn’t want you to go through withdrawals.”
“Suck it douche and let’s go.”
I grinned widely after cuffing his shoulder; my way of letting him know his brother was back or at least partially.
The town looked strange which made no sense since I’ve lived here my whole life, but somehow it was like seeing it through new eyes. I guess I was going to have to get used to seeing it through the eyes of the new me. I’d been part of a couple for so long that being solo felt hella strange. I figure it was going to take some time getting used to being alone. As young as we were I’d already been settled in with the nut, all my plans had included or involved her in some way. Now I was going to have to get used to going it alone. The thought of finding someone else and building a relationship left me cold, sad but true. The calendar might say I was close to my nineteenth birthday but my soul felt like it was reaching the century mark. I fought back the negative feelings that threatened to crawl up my throat. This was a new beginning, the first time I’d been out of the house in forever; I’ll just take small steps and see where they led me. One thing was for certain, Josh was right, there was no way I was giving her anymore of me.
The diner was packed as was to be expected on a weekend morning in the summer. With school out and the weather nice for a change the parking lot was overcrowded. I hadn’t seen anyone since the news broke about Patti and her part in what had happened to Carrie. And though my brother and father not to mention Carrie’s own dad who was a cop had kept the more sinister details out of the public domain, what had leaked was still bad enough. I felt the shame of it wash over me and fought that too as I schooled myself to face whatever was coming. Everyone knew us as a couple, how could they not? Will they hold me responsible? Will I see accusations in the eyes of old friends or pity? Fuck that I’m not going back there in my head.
“The first fucker that says anything about that shit to me is getting his ass kicked.” I looked at Josh who grinned and nodded at me.
“I’ve got your back bro.”
I turned the jeep off and climbed out into the warm sunshiny day. I’ve always had a rep as a badass while my brother had been known as the quiet brainy guy who didn’t really mix. I guess he proved them wrong in the last few months. I’m proud as fuck of him though for the way he took care of his girl. The no holds barred way he’d gone after her. True love in Technicolor, too bad the same isn’t in the works for me. Let it go Matt just let it the fuck go.
The place was wall to wall; people stopped us to say hi as we passed by crowded tables not waiting to be seated by the hostess who was stuck taking payments at the front register. There was a group of high school kids exiting a booth in the corner and I headed that way with the others following close behind. No one seemed to be staring and pointing fingers so I felt some of the tension ease as I slid into the booth.
The noise and din of the place actually felt good. I’d been afraid that everywhere I went in our small town would bring back memories of the times I’d spent, more like wasted with my ex, but I was happy to say there was no taint of that here. I wasn’t lying when I told Carrie that I didn’t miss Patti; it might be fucked up but the moment I realized what she was whatever I felt for her had died. That doesn’t say much for the strength of my commitment and maybe that’s what scared me most of all. That I’d fooled myself for so long, and had been willing to spend the rest of my life with someone that I hadn’t really been in love with. Not the kind of binding love that the men of my family were known for. I know for a fact if Carrie had done such a thing Josh would’ve found a way; then again he would never have squandered his love on someone unworthy. Not like I had.
I made a conscious decision then and there not to let that shit eat away at me anymore. It was over, it had happened and there was no going back and changing shit. The only thing left to do was move on from here, lesson learned. With that thought in mind I felt the rest of my angst leave me, and my shoulders relaxed as the others argued back and forth teasingly. Josh had Carrie sitting practically in his lap, which was to be expected and my little sister and her boy weren’t much better. I smiled at them happy as fuck that there was no lingering feeling of envy. I was going to be okay after all.
The waitress was there in less than a minute, my kinda service; then again Millie knows how I am. “Hey Millie you guys got new menus, how the fuck long was I out of it?” I had my head buried in the menu thinking maybe I might change shit up from my usual. I fielded a kick under the table from Josh who seemed to be having trouble finding space for his legs.
“What the fuck bro?” I picked up my head the third time he did it only to have him incline his head to the left.