“Talk.” I tried not to be too menacing always conscious of her plight, so I stood back a ways from her with my arms folded waiting for her explanation.
“Dan called while I was at dad’s, he said it was important. I didn’t think anything of it when he said he had a problem and could I come over for an hour or so.”
“What problem?”
“He didn’t say and I didn’t ask. He’s never done anything like this before so I didn’t think there was anything to worry about. I knew his mom would be home or I never would’ve gone over there alone.”
“What happened when you got there?”
“He um, he started asking me all these questions about you, us, things like that.” She was getting nervous, wringing her hands and looking all around the room to avoid my eyes.
“What sort of questions.” My voice was clipped, cold but it had to be as I was barely restraining myself.
“You know, like if we were together and stuff like that. I told him yes but I still didn’t understand what was going on. Then he grabbed me and I pushed him away and asked him what he thought he was doing. I didn’t want to make a scene, didn’t want to scream and yell for his mom and dad to hear because I still thought I could handle the situation.”
“Where were you having this conversation?” her eyes widened and she swallowed.
“In his room.” I was across the room standing in front of her before she’d finished the words.
“What the fuck were you doing in his room Kadyn?” I could strangle her for being that fucking stupid. She tried backing away from me but I pulled her in. “Don’t even try it; you can’t be that fucking naïve, now tell me why I shouldn’t go upside your head for going to some other dudes house and ending up in his bedroom alone?”
“Matthew I didn’t know that he was going to act like that, I didn’t go there with the intention to do anything wrong.”
“Do you know how fucking careless that was? I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me that you were going there. If it was that innocent why didn’t you call and tell me you were leaving your father’s to go there?”
“I don’t have to tell you everything Matthew, you’re not my keeper. Dan was a friend I thought I was going to help out a friend…” she yelled the words at me in a fit of pique.
“What the fuck did you just say?”
“I said you’re not my keeper, I’ve already had one stalker I don’t need another, I don’t need or want anyone else controlling my every move.” My ears went numb for a hot second as the words hit me. Was she comparing me to the monster who’d terrorized her childhood? Is that what the fuck she’d just done? The hurt was almost physical as I looked at her trying to gauge the situation. Did she really see me that way? Is that what she thought I was doing when all I cared about was protecting her and trying to give her the best life I could? I felt that cold Steele rage forming in the pit of my stomach. Something in my face must’ve tipped her off to the affect her words had on me because she started back tracking.
“I didn’t mean…Matthew I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that…Matthew…” she was talking to air because I was already out the door. I jogged down the stairs and out the door. I needed to be alone, needed time to think before I said or did something that would unravel all the work I’d done in the last few weeks. My heart was a block of ice in my chest and my mind was blank. The girl I’d fallen in love with and who I’d believed was coming to feel the same way about me had just called me a monster. The joke’s on me.
Chapter 23
I pulled out of the garage just as she came running, calling out for me. I didn’t even look at her as I drove off. I needed to get as far the fuck away from her as possible. I was so mad that I couldn’t even hold a thought. Anger and hurt were the only two things I could hold onto. I wanted to smash my fists into something or someone. I tried to think rationally about what had happened, how our day had been so drastically derailed. I remembered the day before when we were laughing and loving. How I’d looked at her beautiful face while she was laughing at something silly the douche had done to make the girls laugh. The feeling of accomplishment I got that she had come so far since we’d found each other.
Now this. A complete three sixty. I drove through town trying to calm down trying to make sense of her words, her accusation. But all I felt was anger that she could even think such a thing. I think beneath it all I was more upset at her for putting herself in harm’s way than anything else. In my heart of hearts I knew she hadn’t betrayed me with him, but her words were a betrayal, not something that I could easily overlook. As much as I had come to love this girl there was no way I could accept her painting me with the same brush as that asshole. Not after the shit I’d been learning about him.
I had no idea what I was going to do with this shit. I kept hearing Josh telling me to stay cool but overriding his warning were her ugly words. It didn’t matter that she’d tried to take them back, that shit was weak. Of all the things she could’ve said to me that was the worst and I wasn’t sure I could forgive her.
My phone rang off the hook but I didn’t answer. I knew when it was her because I had chosen a special ringtone for her and I knew when it was Josh. I found myself at the beach where I’d first accepted that she was mine that she would be mine forever. I felt that same jump in my heart as I had that day, the same strong emotion that had captured me there on that boardwalk.
There was a battle going on inside me, the love I held for her and the new bitterness I was beginning to feel.
Hours later as the sun was going down and my body reminded me that I hadn’t eaten all day I headed back to the house. I’d turned my phone off hours ago so I had no idea what I was going to find when I got there. I avoided my family who were all sitting around the kitchen table looking worried.
She was in our room when I got there sitting in the middle of the bed rocking back and forth. I could see tear tracks on her face as she looked at me with her sad eyes. I stood back against the wall and watched her not saying anything. My gut was in knots because I knew what I had to do but I sure the fuck didn’t want to. If she really saw me that way there was only one thing I could really do. I didn’t want her or anyone else thinking of me that way, but I didn’t want to do it in anger. Most importantly I didn’t want her feeling trapped, it would kill me, fucking gut me for sure. But love was a weird thing it made you see things differently. Yes I wanted her more than anything else in this world, but if she saw me as a monster I had to let her go, because in the end all I wanted was her happiness. I prayed for the strength to do this even as I fought against the decision in my mind, still not understanding how we’d come to this.
“Get your stuff I’m taking you home.”
“No Matthew wait I said I was sorry please.” She came off the bed and tried to touch me but I shrugged her off.
“What you said was fucking despicable Kadyn, I don’t think anyone has ever cut me that deep before and I’ll be fucked if it ever happens again. If you think my looking out for you is the same as stalking you then that’s no good. I’ve tried to be good to you and for you but obviously I’ve just been kidding myself. Like you said you don’t need another asshole in your life so…”
“Matthew I shouldn’t have said that but don’t you think that you’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion?”
“Are you fucking insane? You called me a fucking monster you compared me to a fucking pedophile who tormented you for four fucking years so no I’m not overreacting.” I wanted to shake the shit out of her for fucking up our lives, for saying that foul shit to me and for everything that she was taking away from me. My anger burned hot and furious, the hours I’d spent away hadn’t done shit because I was still pissed. My head was going in ten different directions at once and my heart had already exploded in my chest.
“I said I didn’t mean it…”
“You don’t get to say that shit to me, you said it you meant it now let’s go.” I almost threw the fuck up just saying those words. I had flashes of a life without her and they almost brought me to my knees, but I couldn’t see beyond the anger and the hurt. Maybe I was right all along maybe I am destined to be fucked when it came to women. I knew one thing for sure I was never doing this shit again, no fucking way. But how could I let her go? How could I just walk away from her, who was going to look out for her when I’m gone? I didn’t want anyone else taking care of her, holding her, loving her; I couldn’t bare the thought. But what was I supposed to do? There was a battle going on inside me as she stood there watching me, then out of nowhere she pounced.
“You’re not breaking up with me over this Matthew Steele.” What the fuck? She actually pushed me back against the wall, I was too shocked to react at first and that gave her leeway to carry on with what she had to say.
“I’m sorry that I said those things but they were coming from a place of anger. I’d just been attacked by someone I thought was a friend and to have my boyfriend practically accuse me of cheating on him was the last straw. I didn’t come looking for you Matthew, you came after me remember? I didn’t want to put myself out there but you pushed and pushed and now here we are.”