Chapter 1
MATT
My life is fucked six ways from Sunday. I’m in a place in my head that I never thought to be ever in my life, and I feel like my hands are tied. I’m the type of guy who likes to take care of shit that gets in my way but now find myself in a situation where I can do nothing, and it’s burning me the fuck up. I want to lash- out but there’s no one to lash out at. This shit was of my own making, because I was a blind fool. That’s what makes it so hard, the fact that I brought this shit on myself; that there’s no one else to blame. My trust in my own judgment has been shaken to the core. I can’t even think straight because of all the shit that’s going on in my head these days. My every moment seems to be consumed by anger and hate, two emotions that were never a part of me but were now my constant companions.
Never again, that’s all I’ve been telling myself for the past few weeks. I’ve become hard and disgruntled, pretty much disgusted with people as a whole and I can’t seem to drag my ass out of this funk. I’ve become disassociated from the life that I once knew. That seems to be the best answer for now; how can I face them really after what I almost allowed to happen? So what if I didn’t actually have a hand in the shit that went down? I still feel responsible; I’m still the one who had brought the shit to my family’s door. And no matter how much they claim I’m not to blame that doesn’t ease the guilt. Doesn’t erase the horror of what I’d almost brought on all our heads. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it; which is usually the case and one of the reasons why I can’t seem to kick the shit and move on.
My family have been watching me like they expect me to off myself any minute or some shit. I can’t or won’t talk to anyone about what I’m feeling; I have to bear the burden on my own. So right now they’re playing the guessing game and obviously coming to the conclusion that I’m gonna do something drastic to myself.
That too is a blow, that my loved ones would think me so weak. But what can I expect? Wasn’t it that weakness that had allowed that snake to infiltrate? Wasn’t it my weakness that had blinded me to who and what she truly was? My guts roiled and burned as I felt the gorge rise into my throat. It wouldn’t be the first time I threw up over this mess. But not today, I was done with that at least. I fought back the nastiness and focused on something else as I sat there sweating with my fists clenched.
I’ve spent the last few weeks hiding out and licking my wounds, not letting anyone get too close. Not even my baby brother, who’s the closest thing to me in this world. It was because of him that I was having such a hard time with the way things had transpired, because deep down I know I’d failed him somehow. Some days, I wanted to just crawl into one of dad’s cognac bottles and escape when the enormity of Patti’s actions became too much for me to bear. I don’t even drink but that’s what this shit has brought me to, I feel like I’ve aged twenty years in the last few months, like my life has ended before it really begun. How can one person cause so much pain and destruction through their actions? How can she have the power to bring me this low? Some days the anger was so strong it’s all I held onto but I know that’s dangerous and would only destroy me in the end.
I won't give that bitch the satisfaction though. My biggest problem now that the fog is finally clearing is that I can’t wrap my hands around her neck and finish her lying ass off for what she did to my family and I. I can’t sleep at night, tossing and turning with hate burning a hole in me. I can see myself going down a very slippery slope and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to stop it. My every thought these days are of revenge. How did I go from thinking I was in love with this beast to totally abhorring her very existence? Now all I can think of is destroying her completely. What she had set out to do, had in fact put into action was beyond evil in my eyes; something I would never have imagined her capable of.
Therein lay the problem, how can I ever trust anyone again? I’m hardly nineteen years old and I’ve been dealt a blow I’m not sure many could recover from, or at least that’s the way I feel about it. I feel unmanned, like everything I ever thought about myself was a damn lie. I use to think I was strong; I knew what was important in life and at the head of that list was family. Then I’d let my family down, most importantly my little brother who was like one of my limbs. The bond we shared was not something I could easily explain, and when the girl I’d been in love with for three years had hurt him it had done something awful to the person I once was. She’d fucking gutted me, the psychotic freak.
I can't believe I wasted three years on her ass. That's the thing that fucks with my head more than anything else; that I was such a sap, a blind fool. My little brother is very happy these days though so that's something; she hadn’t achieved what she’d set out to do. Had she been able to carry out her plans I might be the one sitting in a jail cell for committing murder. She never understood no matter how many times I told her. My brother is my heart no one is allowed to fuck with him. Not even the woman I loved or thought I did.
Joshua is special in more ways than one. Since the day mom brought the little shit home from the hospital when I was little more than a baby myself, I’ve always seen myself as his protector. When we grew older and everyone realized how different he was it got even worst. Because of his intelligence other kids thought he was an easy target. They thought he was a nerd or some shit, one of those supposedly weak beings that they could just pick on at will. I spent my whole life standing between him and them. I knew the truth of course; we trained together after all. But as his older brother I still saw it as my job to protect. I’d taken that duty very seriously our whole lives. And then I’d brought someone into our world that had tried to destroy him. Was it any wonder I was finding it hard to deal with this shit?
He and his new bride are always smiling and happy it seems these days now that the whole mess is behind us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people so fucking happy to be getting on each other’s nerves. Even their fights are kinda loving if that shit even makes sense. And since she got her hooks into him I'm not so worried about him becoming a master criminal any more. These days the intense little fuck spends most of his time behind closed doors with his young bride instead of getting into shit. It’s funny that I was the one with a steady girl all through high school while Josh played the field, now he’s the one settled down.
Married as a teenager damn. If anyone could make it work it would be him though, he's always been that way. He knows what he wants and can be very tenacious about getting it. His wife is his carbon copy; I guess that's why they’d had their rough patches in the beginning, too much a fucking like. I’m not jealous of what they have, I’m happy for my brother. But what they share only makes me see what a mockery my relationship with the viper had been. Just makes it harder to accept that I’d wasted so much time for nothing.
Come on Matt, you’ve got to pull yourself out of this funk; you’re acting like a bitch. So what she turned out to be an evil troll? That’s not your fault there was no way for you to know since she kept that shit well hidden. No one knew she was capable of the things she did. Telling myself the same thing day in and day out didn’t seem to be doing the trick. Somehow I was still always left with a feeling of ineptitude. I hung my head again as the weight of my thoughts threatened to drag me under.
Chapter 2
"What are you thinking about so hard over here bro?" The little fuck sneaked up on me as I’m sitting here alone, which was about all I do these days; hide away from everyone and everything. I have no interest in anything anymore. Maybe one day that will change but right now I don’t give a fuck about shit. They’ve been leaving me alone thus far but I guess Joshua has decided I’ve had enough time to lick my wounds.
"Where's lil sis, you actually letting her breathe?" I looked around for Carrie. Since the wedding you hardly saw one of them without the other. It’s almost as if one can’t breathe without the other for too long. My brother is totally whipped but I won't be the one to bring that to his attention though. I might catch a left hook; he can be a bit volatile at times.
"Funny bro. Well?"
"Well what?" He sighed before dropping down next to me, glaring me down.
"If you sit around here like this one more day I will personally go to that skank's holding cell and strangle the fuck out of her."
Crazy fuck would probably do it too. "What makes you think I'm thinking about her?"
"Kill the shit Matt, it's been weeks since she's been arrested. You haven't even looked at your cars in all that time, and you haven't hardly left the house."
"I'm fine bro just getting my head straight." I didn’t look at him as I said it because there was something there; something sickening in my stomach that I didn’t quite understand whenever I faced him or anyone else in the family.
"About what?"
Fucker's like a dog with a bone.
"Leave it alone Joshua, I said I'm fine." He's not the only Steele with more than a little fire, though he tends to forget that and the fact that I'm older. I guess he thinks I lost my teeth when the bitch gutted me, and I guess I have been acting like it.