Reaching Retribution(6)

“I had to, Ry-Ry.” I jump and fly backward when I hear my childhood nickname.

“Mom?” I start shaking as another sob racks through my body. She runs forward and wraps her arms around me. I know this isn’t real, but it feels like it. She still smells like the familiar vanilla scent she always wore. I lean into her arms and cry on her shoulder. She runs her hand through my hair like she used to. It’s like nothing changed. This was how she would comfort me when I was sad—when she was alive.

“I’m here.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“You’re not supposed to be here, Ryanne. It’s not your time yet,” my mother tells me. I’m not letting her go. I don’t know how much time we have.

“I can’t go back. I have to do something here. I don’t know what though. Claire couldn’t tell me much.”

“You have to talk to me. Admit everything that’s going on in that brain of yours. Everything that you’ve locked away. All the secrets you’ve been keeping. You need to get everything off your chest. Then, and only then, can you go back.” That doesn’t seem too difficult.

I get out of my mom’s arms and sit down against her grave. Tears are still pouring out of my eyes, but it’s not as uncontrollable anymore. Hiccupping, I start. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Not just right now, but all the time. When you died, I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone. I pushed everyone away. I locked my heart away.”

“That’s not going to get you back into your body. You have to dig deeper than that.” I bite my lip and look back at my mom. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. “Say what’s in here.” She points to my heart.

“I’m mad at you.”

“Good, keep going.”

“I was supposed to die in that accident. Not you. Me! Do you know what that does to someone? I woke up after the accident, strapped to a bunch of IVs, alone in a hospital room. I had no family to go to. I had no friends to help me. I had no one. I was suddenly more alone than I’ve ever been in my life. Do you know what it’s like to have no one? No one wanted me. And the whole time, I had to live with the fact that the only person who loved me was dead because she saved me.

“I should be grateful that you saved me, but I’m not. That car was headed for me, mom. You looked me in the eyes right as you jerked the car in a different direction. I watched the world blur outside the window as the car flipped. Do you know how many times I walked into Jane’s bathroom and thought about how easy it would be to swallow a bunch of pills and make everything better? I thought about suicide, Mom!” I lean back and wrap my arms around my legs. I’ve never revealed that to anyone before.

“Now, I have Colton. I love him so much that it scares me. He’s makes me feel desired and knows how to comfort me when I’m upset. He can make me laugh when I’m sad or angry. He’s always worrying about me, which is annoying but nice at the same time. He’s too good for me. I’ll never be enough for him. He deserves someone who can focus solely on him, but I feel like I have to live up to this prophecy thing or everyone will be so disappointed.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m spread out too thin. I can’t give Colton what he needs, because I’m so focused on everyone else. Someday he’s going to realize he can do better and leave me. He’s going to want someone who can be there for him when he needs it. He’s going to want someone who can control her magic and is always in control of her life. He’s going to want someone else.”

“There’s more.”

I look at her. She looks the same as she did when she was alive. Her chestnut hair is still cut in a short bob. Deep blue eyes look back at me. We look nothing alike. I apparently take after the Doctor in that department.

“I’m afraid that I’m going to screw all this up. Claire’s dead because of me. Colton died because of me. What if someone else dies? I won’t be able to live with that. Every day, I want to run away from all this. I want to grab Colton and run off. I want to live without fear. I’m tired of being surrounded by violence and death all the time.”

“You have to let it out, honey.”

“Fine,” I stand up. “You want me to let it out? I hate that I have these powers. I hate that I’m the chosen one. I hate that dad was never there. I hate that you left me last year. I hate that I feel like I’m never going to be good enough for anyone. I hate that I can’t stop worrying about those around me. I hate that Liam gave me this stupid pendant because if I actually die today, he does too. I hate that Dravin is always one step ahead of me, and he has a plan while I don’t. I hate that I get these visions. I hate that all I see is death, and I hate myself for attracting so much trouble and endangering everyone I love.”