The beat of the drums and the tone of the lead singer’s voice took Emery away from her circumstances and she swayed with the beat. She felt Noah wrap his hand around hers. Then the lyrics pulled her from herself and chills rushed over her skin. She’d never felt so wrapped up in a song or the meaning of its words. The feeling lasted from one song to the next and Emery felt like every song was about her. The words washed over her and she knew there were going to be consequences to everything she was feeling. She certainly wasn’t ready for them.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
What’s my Name?
She and Rachel were eating sushi at a restaurant called PM close to Noah’s house. The chef had been on Top Chef and the place never disappointed. When Noah had an away game, Rachel tried to come and keep Emery company. It’d been less and less since Emery worked almost every weekend, but Rachel still thought Emery shouldn’t be by herself. Although Rachel was right in the fact that Emery hated it when Noah was out of town, it was only because she had to wait to touch him. When he was gone, she yearned to feel every inch of his six foot two frame.
“So, how’s it going?” Rachel asked, looking over the rim of her pint glass. When Derrick had gotten Emery all of her new identification, Rachel had talked him into giving Emery another one so that she could drink.
“Well, things are okay. I really wish Noah would let me pay him rent.”
“His parents pay for everything. Just enjoy it.” Rachel smiled at a couple of guys at the table next to them.
“Well, he’s amazing and so sweet to let me stay—”
“Wait, what?” Rachel’s eyes snapped to her friend, interrupting her.
Emery sat back and knew what Rachel was asking. “I was saying that Noah is really nice to let one of your friends stay with him. I could’ve been someone super annoying, but he still hasn’t kicked me out.”
“Because you’re not annoying.” Rachel’s eyes narrowed at Emery, scrutinizing her.
“Well, we sort of do our own thing, you know? I try not to bother him at all. I’ve been working a lot. I’m trying to save money.”
“You think he’s amazing?” Rachel asked, ignoring what Emery had just said.
Emery nodded and looked away from Rachel.
“Emery,” Rachel whispered. “You’re not supposed to do that.”
“Do what?”
“You know what, and the fact that you’re refusing to look at me means you’re really doing what I was sure you wouldn’t do.” Rachel’s shoulders sagged with the knowledge of what her cousin and Emery were, in fact, doing.
“Rachel,” Emery finally faced her, “it’s fine. I’m fine. Noah is a good guy and we make out and whatever, but he doesn’t look at me like that. He’s still dates and we’re just having a good time.”
“You just make out?” Rachel was incredulous.
Emery nodded.
“You couldn’t find someone else to have a good time with?” Rachel shook her head; she didn’t want this to happen, not at all. “What about that bartender at Jack’s? He’s sort of hot. I mean, Emery…shit.”
“It’s fine,” Emery kept repeating, because that’s what she’d been telling herself for the past several months.
“No, it’s not fine. I want you to be in a happy, normal relationship. His dating other girls and making out with you is not normal.”
Emery knew Rachel wouldn’t understand. “Rachel, this makes me happy. Can you believe it? I’m actually smiling and laughing. When I started waking up in the morning and the pain was tolerable, I thought I might be dead, but I wasn’t. It was him. He’s healed some parts of me, the parts that have been open wounds.” She sighed. “He peeled away all of my protective layers with a razorblade, slowly and carefully. He’s not hurting me. He’s healing me.”
“You’re falling for him.”
The words stung Emery. “Rachel,” she shook her head, “how can I fall for him? He doesn’t even know my name.”
Rachel examined Emery’s face, then sighed. “This won’t end well.”
“It’s my life, so that’s a given.” Emery’s shoulders hunched over, resigned to her life. There were weeks that she could go and lose herself in Emily. Then there were times like this, when she would love to be able to tell Rachel that Noah wanted to be her boyfriend and they were going to make a go of it, but her messed up life prevented her from accepting anything from Noah that was real or even semi-permanent.
“No, Em. It’s not a given. You have the right to have a happily ever after.”