She could hear everyone chattering away when she made her way to the driveway. She waited a moment before she tugged the blindfold off and pulled out a smile that usually worked.
“Oh crap!” she said, hopefully filling with the appropriate level of glee. “I don’t even know what to say.” I don’t want anything from you. I don’t want to owe you anything. “I love it.” She even jumped up and down to convey her excitement.
“Take me for a spin?” Ashley asked hopefully as she ran up to the two-door black BMW.
Emery looked at her mother for confirmation. Her mother nodded, smiling absentmindedly. Emery had gotten her license earlier in the week; her mother had pulled her out of school on her actual birthday and taken her to get it. Something she was now grateful for, so at least now she could leave this house whenever she wanted.
They climbed in and Emery turned on the radio, loud. Ashley opened the sunroof and Emery reversed down the driveway. I wish I could just drive away and never come back.
“Earth to Emery,” Ashley said. “Your party is awesome. My friends are so jealous.”
Emery put her hand on Ashley’s. “I’m glad you’re having fun.”
“Aren’t you?” Ashley’s eyes clouded with confusion.
Emery pulled out a fake smile. “Of course.”
“I mean, did you see that Jeff is here?” Ashley turned the music down as Emery circled the block.
“Jeff Higgins?”
“Yes. He’s so cute.”
“Gross, Ashley. He’s my age.”
“Well, that doesn’t mean he isn’t cute,” Ashley refuted.
They turned up the music and yelled the lyrics to a song by a boy band that was currently dominating the radio. They held their hands out the windows, their perfectly coifed hair flying in every direction. Emery drove around as long as she could, and by the time they pulled back into the driveway the party was dying out.
As they made their way to the backyard, Emery grabbed her sister and walked with her arm draped around Ashley’s shoulder. Emery’s life was like watching a foreign film; she knew the right actions and laughed at the right places, but she had no idea what was really transpiring in front of her. Emery felt nothing and didn’t feel like anything was her own, but being numb was a happy retreat compared to being terrified all the time.
Ashley turned the corner first. Emery heard his gravelly laugh before she saw him. His voice carried across the lawn, but her entire body reacted on its own and she froze in place. Ashley let go of Emery’s hand.
“Hey, Jeff.” She heard the smile in her sister’s voice.
“Hey, little Emery.” Jeff was a nice guy. He’d been in Emery’s class for years. His brown eyes sparkled as he looked at Emery.
Everyone said Ashley was a spitting image of Emery, which caused an irrational twinge of loss and foreboding for Emery. She hoped Phil didn’t see that in her sister.
Ashley’s blond curls disappeared into the crowd as she ran toward her friends. Jeff sidled up next to her because she still couldn’t get her legs to work. “Your car’s pretty hot, Em.”
“Thanks.” She plastered on a fake smile and looked everywhere but at him.
“You okay?” He laid a gentle hand on her arm and that broke her from her trance.
She pulled her arm away from him like it was on fire, but her smile never dropped from her face. “Of course. I’m fine. I hope you enjoyed the party,” she said dismissively.
His smile was lopsided and endearing. “I enjoy anything that includes you.”
Ignoring him, Emery walked past him, following the same path as her sister toward the depths of the backyard. She wanted to get far enough away so she could neither see, hear, nor smell Phil.
As the remaining partygoers said their goodbyes, she surveyed the mess of empty cups, plates, and underlying dread. Her mother directed the caterers to clean up and then smiled at Emery. Her lips were stained a light purplish red, which meant she was on about glass number seven.
Emery took her mother’s full wine glass from the table where her mother had left it and walked to the back of their expansive backyard. Sinking to the ground, she looked up at the sky full of smog and hardly any stars. She squeezed her eyes shut as she sunk to the ground and wished for it all to be different. That her dad was there. That no one had ever touched her. Emery guzzled the wine, finishing it in two gulps. It was cheap wine. Her mother only pulled out cheap wine for parties. Emery wished she had weed. She hadn’t bought enough to make it through the weekend. Stupid girl.
“Emery!” her mother called from the back porch.
Emery pushed herself up off the pine straw where she’d sat for a few quiet minutes. “Yes, ma’am?”