“What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same question. We need to talk.”
Levi is standing behind him, looking awkward. I wonder if he tried to stop my dad from coming back here. I wouldn’t put it past him with this protective streak he’s displaying lately.
“Let’s go for a walk,” I say.
I stand up and Dad comes over, Levi on his heels.
“It’s okay, Levi,” I say quickly.
He looks as though he doesn’t want to leave us, but then he nods and sits in his chair. I look up at my dad. He’s staring at my face as if he can’t believe I’m really there. It’s strange. He usually avoids eye contact.
“Come on,” I say, starting across the lawn to the beach.
We walk in silence for a few minutes. It’s a beautiful day, the sun glinting off the blue water of Lake Huron. Dad is dressed in jean shorts and a T-shirt, and I notice how young he looks. I try to remember the last time I saw him in anything but a suit and can’t.
“I’m very angry at you, Daisy,” he finally says, but his tone is neutral. “You have no idea what this week has been like for me.”
I want to laugh. What it’s been like for him? “Were you embarrassed, Dad? Having my name in the papers? Were people talking about me around town again? God, that must have sucked for you.”
He grabs my elbow, pulling me around to face him so fast my head spins. “A year ago, I find out that my daughter is being bullied so badly she can barely go to school.” His voice is very low and controlled, as if he’s afraid to give it any leeway. “Which I had to find out from a guidance counselor, by the way. A few weeks after that, I find her in the bathroom with her… her wrists…” He lets go of my arm and turns his head. “You have no idea, no idea what that was like. After your mother…”
“Dad.” I don’t what to say to him. Of course, I knew that my suicide attempt affected him. He’s clearly worried about me, doing everything in his power to keep me alive and in school, sparing no expense. But I’ve never seen him get emotional about it. I always perceived his feelings as being more stress focused. It was his job to keep me safe, but he would rather not have to deal with me one on one.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “Of course I know that was hard for you.”
He releases a huge breath and plops down on the sand, pulling his knees up toward his chest. It strikes me that I sit that way too when I’m upset. After a moment, I join him.
“I should have told you about your mom ages ago. I can’t help but wonder, if you wouldn’t have found out during such a vulnerable time… I was never good at the feeling stuff, Daisy.” He’s still not looking at me. “When I met your mother, it was the first time that I… that I ever really experienced that.”
“What?”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Love. Kisses and hugs. Touching. When I was growing up, we just didn’t do that in our house. When I met her…” He trails off, his eyes on the water. A small smile comes to his lips. “She burst into my life like lightning—bright and loud and a little bit scary, unlike anything I had ever known before. I was captivated by her, I couldn’t get enough. She taught me about loving someone, about showing that love.” The smile fades. “Then she was gone, and I was left with you, a beautiful little girl with that same ability to flash through my life. But I was scared. What was the point of all that feeling if it made you so vulnerable to pain?”
For the second time that day, tears come to my eyes. Wasn’t that pretty much what I had been afraid of that night I decided to give up? That there was no point? That the pain always won out in the end?
“I wasn’t loving enough with you, Daisy. I know that. I think I was trying to protect both of us. But it was wrong.”
“You did your best, Dad,” I say, my voice thick. “I had everything I needed.”
“Yeah, you had a nice house and lots of things that money could buy. But you didn’t have a dad around. You were so starved for attention you had to find it in the family next door.”
I shake my head, though he still isn’t looking at me. “It wasn’t like that, Dad. Daltrey and I were both sad because of our moms. That’s why we bonded the way we did. It wasn’t because anything was… lacking with you.”
He finally turns to face me, and I’m shocked to see his eyes glistening with tears. “That’s nice of you to say, but I don’t believe you. You needed someone to talk to about your day. To hug you. To play games with you. And I was always at work.”