Ransom(11)

“Why not? They were once very important to you. And your relationship with them has little to do with everything else that followed. It might be a good thing for you to see them.”

I shift uncomfortably. I have the feeling she’s about to start encouraging me to do something I don’t want to do. Dr. Jacobs is a master at bugging me until I agree to go along with her crazy plans.

“I went online last night.” I say it fast, so fast I’m not entirely sure she hears me. But she doesn’t ask for clarification so I barrel forward. “Without the filter on, I mean. After I saw that picture and talked to Paige, I had to see what was going on with them, so I went online and searched for them.”

“How did you feel, being online?”

“I was scared, I guess, at first. But then I kinda forgot about it. I just was too caught up in… them.”

“They’re doing well, I take it?”

I nod. “Really well.”

“How do you feel about their success?”

I do my best not to get irritated with her. I know it’s her job, but I get tired of that question. How do you feel? How did that feel? How did you feel then? Sometimes I wish I could just tell her what happened without having to dig into the emotional stuff of every single experience. “I felt… really proud of them. And it felt kind of surreal, that it was them, you know? These kids I knew so well were on The Tonight Show. It was weird.” I pause. “I also felt a little sad, I guess.”

“Why do you think that is?”

I’m quiet, trying to isolate the feeling from last night. “Because I wasn’t there with them. Because they did it without me. I didn’t even know most of these things were happening.”

“Daisy, I think you miss them.”

“Of course I miss them.” My voice is sharper than I intended. “I haven’t seen them in more than a year.”

If she catches the annoyance in my tone, she doesn’t let on. “And in that time, you went through things no person should have to deal with. And you did it without your best friends.” I feel tears prick at my eyes, but she continues. “And then, once you started to heal, you had to deal with the effects of your experiences.”

I know she’s talking about the fact that I have no friends at school—or anywhere else for that matter. I can’t even have a conversation with someone my own age. I sit in class alone every day before going home, alone, to sit in a silent apartment until it’s time to go to bed.

“You’ve been very lonely for a long time, Daisy. It’s natural that you should miss the last real friends that you had.”

I wipe my eyes. “I went on their ConnectMe page,” I say, my voice small with shame.

She has always been the one advocating that I be trusted to go online, that when the time came I could be strong enough to stay away from the sites that were a trigger for me. I worry she’ll be disappointed that she was wrong.

“And?” she asks, surprising me with the lack of judgment in her voice. “Did you feel okay?”

I tell her about seeing Joanie’s post, and my reaction to it.

“So what you’re telling me is that you went to a site that in the past caused you great pain.”

I hang my head.

“And while on that site, you saw something that upset you. So in response, you turned off your computer, practiced your breathing exercises, and managed to calm yourself down. Does that sound accurate?”

I’m so surprised by her summation that I look up at her, right in her face.

She’s smiling a little. “Can you not see what a positive thing that is? Can you not see how proud you should be of such a reaction?”

I blink, trying to wrap my mind around it in that way. “I… I guess.”

“Well, I’m certain of it, Daisy. I want you to keep thinking about that, particularly when you’re inclined to be upset about what you see as your lack of progress. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

I sit in silence, letting those words run around in my mind.

“I think you should explore this relationship with Paige and her friend. They sound like nice girls, and it’s high time you allowed some fun in your life.”

“So you think I should go with them? On the tour, I mean?”

She shrugs. “That’s entirely up to you and certainly not something you should decide lightly. I do think, however, that you should seriously consider getting in touch with Daltrey and his brothers, one way or another. You’ve punished yourself long enough.”

I stare at her. “You think I’m punishing myself?”

“Why else would you be cutting yourself off from one of the most significant relationships of your life?”