Then he could think about Helena McLaury again. Somehow, the thought held even less appeal than before.
"Okay," he said out loud. But be careful. You know what she does to you. You know how you react when you get close to her. You don't need the trouble. "I'll be careful," he promised the moon.
* * *
Rain Shadow glanced at Anton beside her atop his bay. Her husband. Just like the couples in the wagon behind them, they were man and wife-united by the white man's Justice of the Peace, a legal document signed and folded and tucked into Anton's vest pocket.
The first of December was as good as any day for a wedding, she guessed. A few snowflakes fell as she and Anton rode home from Butler on horseback. Rain Shadow huddled inside her Hudson Bay blanket coat, a gift from Will the winter before. On the crisp air, voices lifted in song. Songs of shepherds and the Christ child, the Neubauer men's resonant voices joining their wives', Lydia's spine- tingling soprano carrying the highest notes when the others backed off.
Anton had explained the plan to his family, and they'd gone along with the theatrics as if they were real. Once the justice had pronounced them man and wife, Anton had laid his cheek alongside hers, as if some gesture was expected of him. Her temporary in-laws had embraced her as though she were really one of the family, Two Feathers merely nodding sagely.
What was Anton thinking now? Feeling?
What should a man feel on his wedding day? Anton avoided her eyes, squinting instead at the low-hanging gray sky. How had he felt after marrying Emily? Eager. Proud. Hopeful, no doubt. How different the emotions beneath the calm exterior he presented today were. Rash. Unsure. Cheated.
What should a woman feel on her wedding day? Rain Shadow imagined Annette and Lydia's joy at marrying the men they loved. There was nothing joyful about her union with Anton, and she'd been numb since she'd made the decision, going through the motions without feeling anything.
Locked in. Guilty. Lonely. Heavyheartedness descended on her, as oppressive as the storm clouds gathering overhead. She observed the boys, knowing they were the most vulnerable characters in this charade. Even though she had explained the situation to them more than once, they smiled as smugly as if they'd thought of the plan themselves and hoped they could remain brothers.
She didn't want to be another dark cloud over their heads, but she resigned herself to reminding the children constantly. As soon as the situation cleared, she and Slade would move on. They all had their own lives to lead. The Neubauers had been kind enough to care for Slade, even to the extreme of carrying out this hoax for his protection, but she couldn't expect them to be patient and generous forever.
Once at the homestead, the women set out a meal, and Rain Shadow naturally discovered her place at Anton's side. She ate beside him, feeling like an impostor. By the time she'd helped clear and wash the dishes, the men had a fire blazing in the parlor, popcorn popped and the checkers out. Jakob played his fiddle, and even Rain Shadow was drawn into a dance around the room.
The night drew to a close, the children growing sleepy. Jakob and Franz bundled their families off into the darkness.
"We have a surprise for you," Johann announced, turning into the parlor.
Anton glanced up from the sofa where he sat finger-combing Nikky's hair. His son laid contentedly, head on Anton's thigh. "What is it?"
"You'll have to come out back with us," Anton's father said with a sly grin.
"Tonight?"
"Yep."
Immediately, Nikolaus and Slade were wide awake, eagerly bringing their parents' coats and hats and donning their own.
Rain Shadow pulled her collar over her chin and followed. They veered east of the barn and stopped before the cabin she'd seen and believed their fathers were using.
Johann pushed the door open and carried the lantern in, the others following. Placing the light on a trestle table, he lit another lamp, revealing the interior. The immaculately clean cabin was roomy, furnished with old but sturdy tables and chairs. A stove and cabinet identified the cooking area, rocking chairs and oval braided rugs offering a place of comfort near the fireplace.
Rain Shadow studied her surroundings with surprise. "Whose home is this?"
Anton's boots rapped on the stone hearth. "This is the place my grandfather built when they first got the farm. Pa was born in there."
Rain Shadow stepped through the bedroom doorway. An enormous rope bed stood in the center of the room, a colorful quilt spread across its foot.
"Do you like it, Ma?" Slade asked, tugging at her wrist.
"Of course. It's very nice. Seems so warm and comfortable." She could picture Anton's grandmother moving about these rooms, cooking over the fire and setting meals on the table. "No wonder Grampa and Johann have spent so much time out here." She smiled.
"It's for us, Ma," Slade said enthusiastically. "Ain't it somethin'?"
She stared at her son without comprehension.
"We fixed it up for you," Johann explained. "There's more to do, but we figured you could do the rest yourself. Make it seem more like home, that way. There's dishes in the attic back at the house." His desire to please her was evident in the uncertain smile he offered. She stared into faded blue eyes. He looked endearingly like Anton, stooped only slightly with age.
She shot Two Feathers a glance, but he'd drawn a mask over his chiseled Lakota features. He stared calmly, waiting for her reaction. Everyone waited, she realized.
"I'm not sure I understand."
"We can stay here," Nikky supplied. "You'n Slade and me'n Pa. Won't it be great?" He yanked his coat and hat off excitedly. "C'mon, Slade, let's go get our beds ready! Oh, yeah." He retrieved his coat and hung it on a peg near the door.
Slade followed his example, forgetting the crutch in his enthusiasm. They ran to a ladder leading to the loft above.
"Slade, your leg!" Rain Shadow exclaimed.
"It's okay, Ma. I've been practicing. I can get up and down without no trouble." They scampered up and over the edge.
She stared after them. They'd planned for her to stay out here in this cabin with Anton?
"Without any trouble," she corrected distractedly, and slid her confused gaze toward her-husband.
As if as surprised as she, Anton gave a nearly imperceptible shrug.
Do something, she pleaded with her eyes.
I can't hurt their feelings, his baffled gaze seemed to reply.
"I know how uncomfortable you are in the house," Johann supplied. "We thought this would be the best thing. You're not out in the weather, but it's not the big house, either."
He considered exposure to Miguel more dangerous than the weather, and she had been obstinate about leaving her lodge. "And you, Father?" she asked. "Will you stay here with us?"
Two Feathers glanced toward the hearth. "My bones have taken a liking to the feather bed, daughter. Winter nights are longer and colder than I remember."
She had talked him out of their lodge for safety, and she could hardly ask him to sleep in the loft with the boys or lie on the stone hearth because she didn't trust herself alone with Anton. She nodded, and gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile.
Overhead came thumps and muffled laughter-the sounds of brothers tussling before bed. Exactly what she'd feared all along. How long would this arrangement last? Until Miguel lost interest. Any length of time was unhealthy for her mental state.
Rain Shadow watched their fathers pull the solid door shut behind them. She felt as if she were about to participate in her most difficult competition ever. Everything she held dear rode on the outcome, and yet somehow, some way, losing would be winning. Her heart fluttered beneath her shirt. She steeled her wayward thoughts and her traitorous body.
She couldn't afford to leave any part of herself behind. Not her goal, not her independence, and least of all, not her heart. But this man-whose muscles in his broad back flexed and bunched as he knelt and fed logs to the fire-this husband-wouldn't have to take a thing. She feared she'd give him anything he wanted.
Chapter Twelve
"Would you like some coffee?" Anton extended a cup toward her.
Rain Shadow accepted the steaming mug and perched on a bench at the trestle table. She'd finished putting some of her clothing away, and overhead the boys had finally quieted. Her gaze collided with his, and she forced herself to look at her fingers on the cup.
"I found blankets in the trunk," he said finally. "I'll make a place by the fire."