My mother was right and it wasn’t Savanna’s fault. I couldn’t expect her to come out of this without some hard feelings. “I will talk to her tonight.”
Of course my mother dropped whatever she was doing and rode back to my house with us. She held Noah on her lap and talked all about the farm. He seemed interested and she was more than happy to keep him occupied. When we got to the house, we found Savanna on the porch swing. Shockingly, Noah jumped off my mother’s lap and went running for Savanna. She lifted him up onto the swing with her. That little kid wrapped his arms around her and stayed like that. Savanna hesitated then finally let her arm fall down over his body. She shrugged as we climbed up on the porch. I didn’t know what to say. Noah obviously really trusted her. He would need that to be able to adjust to the changes in his life.
I leaned down to kiss my wife and thankfully she kissed me back. “Hey Darlin’, Mom can’t get enough of the kid.”
“I knew that would happen. He is super cute.” Savanna looked down at Noah who was smiling at her.
“You’re pretty.” He giggled.
“Well, you are a cutie.”
“Are you going to be my Mommy now?”
Everything stopped.
My mother and I said nothing as we stared into Savanna’s shocked eyes.
Chapter 16
Savanna
I had no idea what to say to the child with his arms wrapped around me. He was the cutest little boy I had ever seen and I wanted to be completely in love with him. For the past two hours I had cried, laughed, called my mother, cried some more and then finally just sat in silence.
Was I even right to be feeling hurt?
Did I have the right to cry?
If Colt knew I was the reason our baby had died, would he have really wanted me to be a mother to Noah? I felt the vomit rising in my mouth as I tried to tuck that secret in the back of my mind. I was so tired of reliving it every single day. I needed to move on, but doing that would require me to live with the lie, with the knowledge of what I lost.
Noah continued to wait for me to answer and as the tears fell down my chilled cheeks, I brought my lips down and kissed the top of his head. This was Colt’s child and I could never abandon him. “Is that what you want? I mean, you don’t have to call me Mommy. Savanna or Van is fine with me.”
“Van is a funny name.”
“It’s my nickname.”
“Can we watch T.V. now?” Obviously, he was finished with our conversation.
“How about I take you inside and watch with you. I think your dad and Savanna have some things they need to talk about.” My mother in law took Noah’s hand and they disappeared into the house.
Colt sat down next to me, grabbing my hand and kissing it, before setting it down in his lap. “Are you okay Darlin’?”
I shrugged. “I want to be. It’s all just so fast. It’s just so overwhelming.”
He reached his arm around me and pulled me close to him. “Savanna, I love you with all of my heart, but you know I can’t turn my back on that kid. I wish we would have found out differently, but I can’t regret finding out about him.”
I reached up and touched my husband’s stubbly face. “I love you too baby. I know what this means to you and I will do everything I can to help you raise him.”
He looked down at my hand and creased his face up. Without looking back at me he started to talk. “If we are goin’ to do this and add more children to this family, he is goin’ to need you to be his mother. Now, I know this is all so fast, but you are ready to be a mother. We talked about adoptin’ if you couldn’t get pregnant again. There is no difference. He already has my last name Savanna. I’m not askin’ you to replace his mother, but she is gone and you are here. Losin’ a parent as an adult is hard enough, but I can’t imagine what that kid is feelin’. He needs solidity. He needs us both.”
A knot was forming in my throat and I wanted to agree with Colt, I swear I did. Instead, I buried my head into his chest and began crying my eyes out. Of course, Colt pulled me into his chest tighter and held me there, placing kisses on top of my head. “I’m so sorry you have to make this decision Darlin’.”
“I just don’t know if I can do this Colt.”
He pulled me away from him and looked into my wet eyes. “Don’t you dare think about givin’ up on me Savanna. I couldn’t bear to lose you.”
I shook my head. “I will never leave you Colt. I swear it.”
“Can we do this together? Please can we welcome this little boy into our family and keep with our plan of fillin’ this house with more children?”