I thought I was prepared to meet her. Then she called me daddy…does she know me? How is that even possible? She squirms against my tight hold, so I let her go slightly, looking down at her little face. I wanted her to look like her mom, and I can see parts of Tess in her, but the truth is she looks like me. Her little hand slaps at my nose, and she laughs again.
“Da-Da! Da-Da!”
“She uh…doesn’t know many words yet,” Tess says, and her voice is gruff. Our eyes connect, and she has the same tears in hers that I do.
“How…” I clear my throat and try again when I can’t manage to get the words out the first time. “How does she know that I’m…”
I can’t finish the question. It’s just too big. I’m almost afraid of the answer.
Tess stands up, I can’t. I just sit there holding my daughter in my hands, feeling as if I’m drowning.
She comes to sit beside us and her sweet strawberry scent, a scent I’ve dreamed of and imagined for over a year and a half, closes around me and combines with that of the baby’s and feeling of rightness comes over me. A feeling of being right where I’m supposed to be. A feeling of being home.
“I have a picture of you. I keep it in a frame in Maddy’s room. Every night, after story time, we uh; we tell daddy goodnight.”
“Da-Da!” Maddy says, on cute her little hand slapping against my cheek.
“That’s right, baby, I am. I’m your daddy.” I say, and the words settle inside of me. I kiss her forehead again and hold her close for a second. I look over at the woman I love. The woman I’ve put through hell. The woman who despite everything has given me two of the most precious gifts in the world. Not only did she give me a child, she also taught that child who I was, even when I couldn’t be here—even when I pushed her away.
“Thank you, Tess,” I tell her, and it sounds lame to my ears. I owe her more. Hell, I owe her the world.
Tess draws her legs against her chest and wraps her arms around them. She looks so small and defenseless sitting there.
“Pa!” Maddy yells out with some more baby gibberish that no one really can understand. She’s jumping and stretching trying to get free from my hold, and there’s only one reason. Marcum. I resent the way she obviously loves him. The way she clearly chooses him over me, and I feel like a fucking loser for feeling that way, for being jealous. Of course she wants to go to him, she knows him. I’m just a man from a picture. That will change now though. I have time now. I have all the time in the world. As my eyes lock on Tess, I vow not to waste it.
Maddy stumbles into Marcum’s waiting hands.
“There’s papaw’s baby!” He says, picking her up and putting her on his hip like an old pro. Then again, with as many kids as he has, he is a pro. “I thought I’d come down and get my baby and give you two, time to talk.”
“Thanks, old man,” I don’t really want to let Maddy go, but I do need time to talk to Tess—a lot of time if the look of fear on Tess’s face is anything to go by. Marcum heads back to the house talking to the baby while she chants nonsense back to him.
I stand up and turn to Tess. She’s standing and brushing sand off her jeans. She’s gained a little weight over the last year. It looks good on her. She’s just as breathtaking as she always was, but I see signs of the stress from the last year on her face. She has circles and the light in her eyes isn’t quite as bright. Guilt hits me hard. Tess deserves so much in life. Much more than the hell that I’ve put her through.
“I think they’re clean,” I tell her when it becomes apparent that she’s going to keep dusting imaginary sand off of her pants instead of dealing with me. When she raises her eyes up to mine and slowly straightens up, she offers me a weak smile.
“I think I’m nervous,” she whispers.
“I am too. It’s been a hell of a day,” I understate, using the back of my hand to dry any remaining moisture from my eyes and try to put order to my chaotic thoughts.
“Yeah. I’m finding it hard to believe you’re standing here.”
“So am I, Kitten. So am I.”
A look flashes over her face, and I instantly want to smooth it away.
“What?”
“I’d forgotten how much I used to like when you called me Kitten.”
I clear my throat again. Hell, if I cry again she’s going to think I’ve grown weak in the last year. “I want to hold you; I’m just not sure what you’re okay with that, Tess.”
“Truthfully, I’m not sure either. It’s been a long time, Max and the last time I saw you…”