I need to figure it out soon because Marcum called twenty minutes ago to let us know he has Max, and they’re headed here. That means any minute now Max will be showing up at the party. I will lay eyes on the man that I loved…still love…after all this time. I don’t know what to do with that. I’m not sure I even believe it. We have so much to discuss. We have so much to decide. And Max…he’s missed so much. Things he’ll never get back. How will he handle that? The party is suddenly suffocating me. Panic is overwhelming me.
“You okay, sweetheart?” Cherry asks her hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t even realized she was in front of me.
“I…I’m scared, Cherry,” I admit. Cherry understands, she’s been the only person I’ve been able to let in. She listens and lets me cry. I can be weak with her.
“Do you want us all to leave?” She asks, but the thought of facing Max on my own is worse. How did we get here? How did I get afraid to see the father of my child?
“No…I just need a minute to regroup. I’m going to take Maddy down to the water for a few minutes.”
“Okay, honey, I’ll make sure the boys are occupied and have plenty of food. The others have the babies.”
“Thanks.”
I go to get Madison from Dusty, which isn’t easy. The big guy is almost as attached to her as Marcum is. Luckily Maddy is so easy going. She climbs into my arms without a second thought.
“Mom-mom,” she says her little hands grasping out towards me. I take her in my arms, her sweet smell surrounding me, and her warmth reaching through my nerves and instantly I feel better. Maddy has that much power.
“Let’s go and find shells, sweet baby,” I tell her, knowing it is her favorite pastime. She squeals in delight just as I knew she would.
I lead her down the beach to the edge of the ocean and look out over the water, trying to get a rein on my thoughts and prepare myself for Max.
“Mom-mom!” Maddy yells, demanding attention. She’s squirming and pushing against my chest, doing her best to get down. She’s not been walking long, her feet are still unsteady, but I always let her go when we’re on the beach as long as I keep me between her and the water. It’s her favorite thing, she laughs when she falls, and the sound of my daughter’s laugh is, to me, the most beautiful sound in the world. I let her slide to the ground and lead her back to the beach away from the water. We sit down, and luckily it has been cloudy, so the sand isn’t too hot. I sit down, pulling Maddy between my legs and reach around helping her to shovel through the sand with our hands. Maddy laughs as the sand covers her feet, and I smile, despite my worries.
“Hi.”
It’s one word. One word, from a voice that I remember, but haven’t heard in so long, so long that I was beginning to forget the tone and the way the timber of it sends shivers of awareness through my system. I hold my gaze down on Maddy’s head and then slowly shift it to Max’s feet. Just as slowly, I let it travel the length of his body until I rest on his face. There should be something I could say here. Something—anything. Nothing comes though. My voice is frozen in my throat. My heart is pounding.
My daughter must pick up on the change in me because she stops laughing and cooing. The sand stops occupying her, and she looks up at Max. I’m being a wimp; I need to snap out of it. Maddy however, has nothing holding her back. She pushes up trying to get away from me. I help her stand, bracing my hands on her little hips. I’m letting her distract me from Max. I need her to, because, for the life of me, I can’t even manage to say hi back. I swallow; suddenly my mouth feels very dry.
“Da-Da!” Maddy says, jumping up and down, wanting to get away. “Da-Da!”
Of course she would recognize him. She’s only a year old, but I’ve done my best to show her picture to him every night after we read and say goodnight to Daddy. I wanted Max to be a part of her life in whatever small way I could manage it. When I look up and see Max’s face, my heart contracts. I let go of Maddy, and she takes her stumbling steps to him. The sand is hard for her but after falling once she makes the six or seven steps to him. She reaches up to him in complete trust, as only a child can, and my heart flips over as I watch Max hold his daughter for the first time.
46
Max
A one-year-old child unmans me. I hear her sweet voice, calling out da-da, as her chubby, little legs stumble to me, her hands opened wide and my heart bursts into a thousand pieces. I reach down to her, but my legs give out, and I drop down onto the sandy ground beneath, wrapping my arms around her and holding her to me. Tears sting my eyes, and I don’t worry about stopping them. I inhale deeply, taking in a mixture of the ocean’s salt air and the sweet smell of baby. My baby.