Raging Heart On_ Friends to Lovers Romance(163)

I want your baby, Max. The words lay like led against my heart.

“Close your eyes and rest. We can’t make any decisions until we know for certain,” I tell her, my voice gruff.

My head is a mess. Marcum laid out my choices during our last talk. I didn’t want to face them. Now, I may have no choice. None at all.





38

Tess



Pregnant.

How can one word fill you with despair, joy and fear all at once? I’m pregnant with Max’s baby. I’m on the run from the law and knocked up! Jesus. The room is silent. Max and I are both just staring at the damn, plus sign, on the stick.

“Fucking hell,” Max whispers and I kind of wish he had kept silent.

The staggering weight of what we just found out hits me and my stomach rolls. I try to hold it down, but the simple truth is, Max is right. There’s a child now. I have more than myself to consider. I’m going to lose him. The small voice in the back of my head repeats, and it’s just too much.

“I’m going to be sick,” I gasp, putting my hand over my mouth and running to the restroom. I barely make to the toilet in time. Max is right behind me. I feel him lift my hair out of the way, and as I’m finished retching, he hands me a towel. Perfect. Just how every woman wants to be remembered by the man they love—kneeling over the toilet, puking their guts out.

“You okay, kitten?” Max asks, his voice soft, and I lean back into him, letting his body warm me. I feel so cold.

“Give me a minute.” His fingers continue sifting through my hair, and I want to memorize this moment. Memorize it and never let it go, because I know my time with Max will be ending. “I’m going to rinse my mouth,” I tell him, standing and getting away from him. I’m upset, and I want to blame him. It’s not fair and if anything, more my fault, but there it is regardless.

“Tess…”

“I just need a minute alone, Max. Okay?” I tell him, not turning around. I turn the water on in the sink and brush my teeth. I make a point of not concentrating on him, or anything. I’m a robot on autopilot until I hear the door close. Then I put the brush down, rinse my mouth and slowly sink to the floor as my grief overwhelms me. In my mind, it was always a possibility that I would end up alone. A huge probability, if I’m honest. Yet, faced with the harsh reality of it, I can’t catch my breath. It’s a hurt that goes bone deep. I’m not crying. I don’t think I can cry. No, I’m hurting. I feel as if my heart is being shred into pieces while I sit here on the cold floor.

“Sweetheart,” Max says, and I hadn’t even realized he’d come back in the room. He gathers me in his arms and carries me out of the room. He puts us on the bed, holding me tight and snuggling into me. I remain stiff, but I don’t fight him. I don’t have it in me to extend that much energy. “Tess…”

“Don’t say it, Max. Please? Not right now. I just can’t handle it.”

“Tess, we need to…”

“I don’t want to!” I yell trying to pull away from him.

“Tess, damn it….”

“I don’t want to give you up, Max! I don’t! You think I’m strong enough to watch you walk away and never see you again? I’m not! Do you think I’m strong enough to raise a child who will never know how amazing its dad is? I’m not!”

“Tess, honey…”

“Oh God, Max. I’m not. I don’t want to do any of this without you. I don’t want to be without you. Please, oh god, please. Please just give me a little time without having to think about it. Max, please.” The pleading cues my tears and I… crumble. A deluge of pain and fear swamps me and steals my breath. Max holds me and lets me cry, but that’s almost as painful. Who will hold me when he’s gone? Who will help me to survive?

I cry until I can’t cry anymore. Until, I’m so far broken that the tears stop. My eyes are raw, my sides hurt, from the gut-wrenching, unanswered pleas, and my head hurts. Only when I reach that point does Max somehow gather me closer and tries to absorb my pain. That’s impossible.

“You’re going to make yourself sick, Kitten.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him, and that’s how it feels. Nothing matters now.

“It does. You have our baby to think of. This may not be the way we saw things going, Tess, I get that. It is how things are though, and I need you to be strong. I need you to take care of our child.”

“He or she won’t ever get to know you, Max.”

“Bullshit. They will, Tess. I’m not missing out on being a part of his or her life.”