“You’re pregnant?”
Tears gather in her eyes, but don’t quite break free, and she nods her head yes. She’s worrying her hands together, and I should try to soothe her, but I can’t. My whole body feels like I’m not able to take enough oxygen through my lungs to sustain it.
“I’m sorry, Max.”
“How long have you known?” I gave her a tattoo while she was carrying my child. Jesus, why does that matter? She was fucking shot at while carrying my child.
“I don’t know for sure; there’s a chance. Cherry is going to pick up one of those home pregnancy tests.”
“Fuck!”
Tess jumps like I’m about ready to hit and her. I feel guilt. It’s my fault this is going on, not her. But still…motherfucker.
“Max…”
“Son of a bitch! What the fuck are we supposed to do now?”
“Nothing has to change, Max. I might not be pregnant and even if I am, we can still carry through with our plans. Nothing has to change!
“Everything will change, Tess! Son of a bitch! Everything will change!” I growl picking up something from the table. I think it’s a glass, but I’m not sure. I throw it across the room, my anger has me acting and reacting without a thought in my head, except I fucked up. I fucked up horribly bad. The glass connects against the wall and shatters with a loud crash.
“What the fuck?” Marcum yells, coming through the door a minute later.
Tess stands up, shaking with tears pouring from her face. That’s when I’m sucker punched yet again. There’s so much hurt in her eyes. It’s my fault too. I know it. I’m not upset with her. I’m upset with myself, but she doesn’t know that. She’s taking all of this on her shoulders when I’m responsible.
“Tess,” I start, but she runs from the room, and I just hang my head in disgust.
“What the fuck did you do now, boy?”
“Just let it go, Marcum. I got it handled.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”
I ignore him and take off after Tess. She’s my priority. I find her in our room lying on the bed, with her back to me, crying quietly. I kick off my shoes and get on the bed and spoon her. I can’t stop my hand from holding her stomach. Our child might be resting there. After the mess with Renee, that’s something I never wanted again. The pain of losing a child, even one I never got to hold, is something I can’t explain. It gutted me. Is it fucked-up that I may be having another child, this time with a woman I care about, and I most likely won’t have the option of being around for the mother or the child? Is that the definition of irony? It’s probably no less than I deserve. I get that. Still, the thought of it is ripping me apart inside. That’s my cross to bear.
“I’m a fucking asshole, Kitten. I’m sorry.”
“No, you have a right to be upset,” she whispers brokenly, her voice thick with tears.
“I’m not upset with you, Tess. It’s me. It’s just bad timing.”
“I know.
“If you’re pregnant, Tess. You can’t go with me. It wouldn’t be safe.”
“Max!”
I shush her quietly, my lips against her hair, and I breathe in the strawberry scent of her. Can I live without her? How do you leave someone behind when they’ve become your only reason for living? How do you say goodbye? I’m not sure I’m strong enough.
“Tess, you were shot…”
“It was a graze,” she argues, but her voice gives away her doubt.
“It just as easily could have not been. What if you are carrying our baby, and that happens? The risk is too great.”
“So we’re just supposed to never see each other again, Max? How is that a solution? How is that fair?”
“Tess, I killed…”
“A monster, you killed a monster.”
I smile, despite the heaviness inside of me. “Marcum says I’ve been living my life and going off half-cocked, for way too long, and he’s right. Actions have consequences; I didn’t think about them. Then again, how in the world could I have ever prepared myself for you, Tess? I’ve never known anyone like you.”
She turns on her back and looks at me, her hand goes over the top of mine on her stomach. “Why does it already sound like you’re saying goodbye to me, Max?”
“Let’s see what the test says. No sense in borrowing trouble until we know.”
“I’m scared, Max.”
“I know, Kitten. I am too.”
“I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t want to be pregnant, but the thought of our baby, growing inside of me…I want your baby, Max.”