Racing the Sun(42)

“How do you know if you don’t even know what you said?”

He swallows and licks his lips. “Because I don’t think a mean thing about you. I only think good things about you. Very good things.”

I’m not sure if I believe that but I sigh and sit down across from him. “Well, things were said and they were the complete opposite of very good.”

“Amber,” he says and places his hand over my wrist. I nearly jump at the contact. As usual, his skin is warm and the pressure of his hand is soothing. “I am very, very sorry if I said mean things. Sometimes this terrible thing comes out of me. I didn’t want you to be exposed to it but you were. And I know you took care of me when you shouldn’t have. You shouldn’t have to take care of me or the twins, but you do.”

I like his hand there. I want to grab it, lace my fingers through his, and feel that strength that I know he has inside. But I resist. “You are going to get a new nanny, right?”

“Of course,” he says, pulling his hand away. “This has just caught me by surprise. I knew Felisa was unhappy but I didn’t expect her to leave me.”

I look at him. Leave him?

He seems to notice my expression. He pauses, chewing on his lip for a moment, before he snaps a cigarette out of his pack on the table. “This is very difficult for me,” he admits. “Felisa . . . She was like a mother to me, to all of us. To lose them both . . . it’s very hard. It’s just as hard for the twins. Maybe more so.” He pushes his sunglasses to the top of his head and looks right at me. He’s a broken man.

“I understand,” I tell him, not sure of what else to say.

“I don’t expect you to,” he goes on and sticks the cigarette in his mouth, lighting it. “I just need a few moments to get over it. And I will. Then I will start looking for a new nanny. Don’t worry, you won’t have to help for long. But if you could, just until then, I would be eternally grateful to you.”

My heart softens a bit. “Well, of course I’m going to help. I don’t want the kids to suffer. And I don’t want you to suffer either.”

He snorts caustically at that. “I am sure that is true.”

“I’m serious,” I tell him. “More than anything I want to help you, and I will.”

“Even though I am a total ass?”

I nod. “Yes. But in the future, could you try not to be? You know, if I’m going to help out I will because I care about all of you, but I won’t do it if you treat me like garbage. I’m not saying that you normally do, but last night . . . Well, I don’t appreciate being yelled at and I especially don’t like being called helpless or useless.”

Derio coughs loudly and looks at me with pained eyes. “I said that?”

“Yes.” And it still kind of hurts.

He shakes his head to himself. “They are not true words, Amber. Please believe me. You are not useless or helpless. I honestly do not know what I would do without you. I need you, deeply. Madly, even.”

He seems so heartfelt that it stuns me a little. He needs me, madly? Even if it’s just for my services as a babysitter, I’ve never been needed before. My chest feels effervescent, like bubbles have been set free. He looks up at me and his features soften, from the fullness of his lips to the hardness of his eyes. “I’m extremely fond of you.”

More bubbles, butterflies, everything is letting loose inside me. I’m warm, I’m golden from his words. And absolutely surprised.

Because he’s staring at me in such a way that makes me feel like he’s really seeing me for the first time, I feel the need to play it all off. “Well, I’m fond of you, too,” I tell him, trying to sound playful. “When you’re not being an ass.”

“So you forgive?” he asks in such a voice that I would be a cold, hard woman if I didn’t.

“Yes, of course I do,” I tell him. “Will you forgive me in advance for the absolute chaos that will come with me being a substitute nanny?”

“You will do fine,” he says. “You have done beautifully so far. Their English is so much better now and they seem happier. I can see the changes in them. You’re like a tonic for them.”

I take that in, relieved to know that he’s noticing the same changes that I am. I just hope I can keep it up and not have them revert to their old ways now that Felisa is gone. “So what exactly happened with Felisa? Last night you made it sound like she wanted to leave and you didn’t want her here anyway.”

He leans back in his chair and taps the cigarette. Ashes blow away in the light sea breeze. “I may have said that but only because she hurt me first. But I know she left because it was just too hard for her. I am difficult. The twins are. We are slow to change and heal, to be what she wanted us to be, to be what we used to be. Plus, she met a man, years ago, who lives in Salerno. I didn’t think it was possible but I think she found an opportunity to be with him and she took it. I think she chose her own happiness over us.”