Quicksilver Dreams(193)
The bitch had betrayed me!
My hands were tied behind me, stretching my shoulder muscles painfully. I saw that I was on the inside of a van and it was all metal, having been gutted. Jory had lured me out for easier abduction, and I had played right into her hands. She’d obviously been following me with all of this planned out. I could see part of the leg of one of the men from my vantage point, the camouflaged material looking old and worn. Wasn’t he the one who’d killed the Vietnamese girl? Taken her from her family back during the war?
I was nearly incapacitated with the onslaught of panic. My breathing became quick and shallow, my pulse pounding in my throat painfully.
I was being driven to Frank. There was no way I could escape this time, and Ryder would be frantic, not knowing where I was. He wouldn’t be able to ride up on his motorcycle and save me this time. There would be no near miss. This was it.
An acute, painfully poignant longing made my heart ache. I knew that I wouldn’t see him again. It was like my soul cried out, shaking me clear through my bones.
The image of Ryder’s rough-hewn features, his pale green eyes smiling down at me, came to mind. Remembering his tender words of love squeezed my heart, making it difficult to breathe. I struggled to pull air in to my lungs and squeezed my eyes shut, needing to hold his face in my mind and heart. Regrets clawed at me painfully from inside my own mind. The last time Ryder and I were together, he’d told me he loved me, and I’d been too afraid to say it back. Fear. Why had I allowed it to rule my life? I could see the yawning chasm of what my life had been, the careful distance I’d kept from everyone around me, how I’d never sought out deep or meaningful relationships before. I’d always looked on others with suspicion, keeping them at a distance, and it had been to my own detriment. I’d lost out. I could see that.
Why had I questioned and doubted until my opportunity to grab hold of something good and whole was gone? I loved him. It was so clear. Why was it so clear now, when I would never have the chance to tell him? Coming to this deeply meaningful realization at a point when I could do nothing about it struck me as horribly unfair. Fate had handed me shit cards for too long!
Silent sobs beat against my chest from beneath my breasts, wanting to come out. No noise. None. I don’t want them to hear me. Oh, God. Please!
I wanted the chance to tell him. I wanted the chance to begin a life with him, so I could start a new chapter, a new adventure. I wanted to know happiness. I wanted to understand the intimacy of trusting another with my innermost self. I wanted it.
Life had sucked for so long! Abandonment, grief, unrelenting hard work, no love, no friends, not a soft place to speak of, and just when I was ready to explore this new and beautiful relationship, I was going to be killed. I’d had to work twice as hard to get half as far, and I’d been willing to do it, but where was the payoff? Where was the goddamn payoff! Didn’t I deserve a payoff? Wasn’t it my turn to win? Just once?
Dammit! It was my turn, and I was going to take it.
I wasn’t dead yet. I didn’t know how long I’d been out or how long I had before we arrived at our destination, but I needed to think.
Anger replaced my grief, and I felt rage at the injustice sweep through me. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and began taking stock of what I might be able to do to get out of this mess. I remembered my badassness. I’d never relied on anyone else to get me out of trouble, and this time was not going to be different. Though I’d never sparred before, I had enough confidence in my kickboxing abilities that I was sure I could knock somebody’s block off, at least long enough to run away efficiently. I hadn’t taken those classes with Rico for nothing.