I was enveloped in feelings I hadn’t experienced since the last time I was living at my aunt’s house, reliant on her lack of goodwill. PTSD once again. Ryder wasn’t like my aunt. I knew that, but even knowing that, I couldn’t make myself breathe evenly.
“He tried to call you, but there was no answer.”
“I left it on the charger.” I set the bag of food on the counter in the kitchen, bewildered by the circumstances. It wasn’t my fault my phone needed charging. It hadn’t been my idea to haul me off to another planet without my full consent. It hadn’t been my idea to have me come here.
“I’ll call him, let him know you’re here.” Sy grabbed his phone off the countertop and stepped away.
“Where did he think he was going to find me? Where the hell would he even start to look? How absolutely ridiculous! I’m a grown woman!” But I was talking to the air. Sy had dialed the number and was speaking quietly by the hallway opposite the one where Ryder’s room was located. I wondered if that was Sy’s wing of the condo.
After a moment, he stepped back with a tense smile on his face, which clued me in that Ryder was likely not a happy camper. “He’s coming back. So...uh...what did you bring?”
Now I was really nervous.
“I hope you guys like turkey and Havarti.” I pulled the takeout containers out of the bag, setting them on the dining room table to keep busy.
“You won’t find me complaining. Thanks a lot.”
Sy grabbed one of the containers and took a seat, but his attitude was highly circumspect. It was like he knew I felt like a big, sloppy, emotional mess on the inside and didn’t want to get splashed by it. He grabbed up half the sandwich and bit into it heartily, which was somehow calming for me. Still, he kept a watchful eye on me, like he was analyzing me.
“I wanted to do something to show my appreciation of you guys letting me crash here. I really try not to impose on anyone for anything, you know? Can I get you something to drink? That was something I forgot to pick up.”
I was talking too quickly, and too brightly, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. The wait was building back the stress I’d just released. I could sense a big blowup coming. My aunt and my grandmother had been pros at stringing me up for something or nothing, depending on the kind of day they were having and whether or not they needed stress relief, which usually looked like unleashing tirades at me or put-downs against me, my mother or both of us simultaneously. So many times I wished I could have been wherever she was, not at all blaming her for not wanting to be around, though I missed her terribly.
There had never been a kind or caring moment with my grandmother or my aunt, almost literally, which was why I eventually learned how to shut down emotionally when they started in on me. I spent years feeling like a roach in the kitchen, feelings hurt, dejected, yada, yada, yada. Stupid, thoughtless girl. Think you’re better than the rest of us because you’re pretty? Just like your mother, not caring about anyone but yourself, I heard too many times to count. It all went into the do-not-open box in my brain.
I wouldn’t be able to do that with Ryder. He meant something to me. I’d let him in. He knew too much. It was really going to hurt when things went down tonight. This was so not a good idea. I knew better! Maybe I could leave before he arrived?
Coward! I heard myself say reproachfully. You aren’t a child anymore. Stop hiding! Be the strong woman you want to be.
“There are water bottles in the fridge, if you wouldn’t mind.” Sy’s gray eyes were somberly watching me. Funny how his whole flirtatious persona was gone. He was very chameleon-like, and not as innocuous as he might want everyone to perceive him to be. I could see how he would be great at covert work. No one would think anything other than “surfer guy” if they were hanging out with him.