And then she left without another word, although her words hung in the air behind her.
"She's right," Kaden said when we were in the car, on our way. "You know that, right?"
"I do," I replied softly.
A few moments of silence passed - there was so much for both of us to take in, that day.
'So what are we going to do?" Kaden asked, looking at me, smiling one of those I'm-happy-but-I-have-no-idea-what-to-do-here smiles.
I looked at him. "I have no idea."
It didn't take long to get to his parent's place. I pulled into the driveway and turned the car off. We both started to speak at the same time but I insisted on going first.
"Listen," I said, barely able to look at his gorgeous face, lit with the orange light of the streetlights. "Kaden, we said a lot of things to each other today. I meant them. I think you meant them, too. But - and don't stop me because I need to say this - I understand that I've done an unforgivable thing."
"No, Tasha-"
I held up my hand. "No, let me finish. I did the wrong thing and I did it because I'm a coward. Sure, I told myself it was for other reasons, because I didn't want Henry growing up with an absent father, all of that. But you aren't my father. I know that. It's hard for me, sometimes, to think of any man as not being similar to my father, but you aren't. And you didn't deserve to find out about your son when he was already a few months old. We're both giddy right now, aren't we?"
"Yeah," Kaden chuckled. "I actually feel high."
"Exactly. And the day is going to come when that high wears off and maybe you're not so willing to write off my behavior. I understand that - it's how you should feel, it's how-"
"Tasha?"
"What?"
"You're doing it again."
"What am I doing?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"You're doom-and-glooming it. It's almost like it's your superpower. Tell yourself that nothing good will ever happen and then save yourself the disappointment when it doesn't."
I sighed, knowing with certainty that he was reading the situation right - reading me right.
"I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm not saying I've never been irritated or upset with you - I've actually spent quite a lot of time being upset with you."
"Have you?" I asked, not quite sure what he meant.
"I definitely have you silly girl! How many hours have I spent wracking my brain, trying to figure out the exact words I could say to you to make you understand how I feel? To make you mine? But, Tasha, if you think I expect you to be flawless or lacking in all human weakness, you're wrong. I know you. You think I don't, but I do. Remember that day outside Hawley's? You were so angry when I tried to help you - so indignant. And even as a child, I understood what that was about - you were angry at yourself for falling over, for looking like an idiot - not at me. It doesn't have to be like that, you know. You've built up this cocoon of safety with your family but you're still so guarded, so anticipatory of hurt and pain, outside it. And I would do anything to keep you from hurting, do you know that? Anything."
"What the hell Kaden," I replied, trying to laugh it off and not quite succeeding, "someone told you all the right things to say, huh?
Suddenly, he reached over the center console and grabbed me by the shoulders, turning me towards him. "Stop that. Stop doing that. Stop pretending like this is all some joke, some mirage that's destined to disappear the minute you allow yourself to believe in it. I'm saying these things because I mean them, Tasha. I mean them. I love you. I have always loved you - and only you."
He was inches from my face. I felt the atmosphere between us change just like that as we stayed where we were, hesitating, waiting.
"Can I see you tomorrow?" He asked, eventually.
He was right to. We both needed to think. No matter what my body was telling me.
"Y-yes," I replied, backing away slightly. "Yes, tomorrow. Of course. I'm working until four but I can see you afterward. You can come over for dinner again, if you like."
"Sure, OK. So I'll call you or text you tomorrow then?"
"Yes."
And then he was gone and I was left sitting alone in the car with the air smelling of Kaden's cologne and Kaden's words ringing in my ears, my shoulders tingling where he'd touched me.
Chapter 33: Kaden
It took me a long time to get to sleep that night. My parents were already in bed by the time I got home, which was a good thing because if they hadn't been they surely would have noticed that something was up with me. Also, I had a huge hard-on that would have been pretty awkward to hide. It made me smile - after everything, after all that time - to know that Tasha Greeley still affected me on every single level. I had a shower, but I didn't jerk off. I didn't want to. I wanted her. Not just in that way, in all ways. But how? How to be with her?