"Who was that at the game last night - that girl? Is she your-"
I turned to Kelsey suddenly and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Kelsey!"
"What?" She asked, smiling hopefully.
"Why the fuck are you always following me around?" I hissed, trying to keep my voice down. "We're not dating, do you understand that? I didn't promise you anything, I never told you I was interested in dating. I mean, did I?"
"Well..." Kelsey started. She couldn't get the rest of her words out. I watched her face crumple and her eyes fill with tears and to be perfectly honest it just made me even angrier. Why was this dumb girl's obsession my problem?
But then something else happened. The image of Tasha's face crossed my mind. I wouldn't want her to see me speaking to someone like I was speaking to Kelsey then. Even thinking about Tasha witnessing the scene made me feel ashamed. I even managed, when I looked back at Kelsey's mascara-smudged face, to feel what I think might have been compassion.
"OK," I said to her, softening my voice. "OK, Kelsey, I'm sorry. Just - just come sit down and let's talk about this, alright?"
She sniffled and nodded her head, allowing me to lead her into an empty classroom.
"Listen," I said when we were seated across from each other. "Kelsey I know I've been an asshole to you. That's on me. I guess I've just been avoiding telling you the truth, because I didn't want to hurt you. I mean, it was probably just because I'm a coward," I continued, wondering why the fuck it was suddenly so important to me to tell the truth. Was it Tasha? She wasn't even there to witness my act of brutal honesty. I put my head in my hands as Kelsey reached out and rubbed my shoulder.
"It's OK, Kaden," she whispered. "You're not a coward."
I looked at her, disbelieving. Had she not heard what I said at the lockers? That I was in no way interested in a relationship? "No. It's not that, Kelsey. It's not about whether I'm a coward or not. It's about the fact that I'm not, uh, I'm not into you in that way."
I couldn't even catch her eye. A few seconds passed and she finally spoke up. I could hear her trying to keep the wobble out of her voice. "Oh. OK, Kaden. Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be, like, a relationship-relationship. You know?"
I knew. She was offering herself up for sex. Just like she had a few months ago when I'd stupidly gone for it and created the situation I was now dealing with. "Yeah, it's not that either, Kelsey. I'm not interested in any of it, do you understand? We never should have hooked up in the first place. If I knew you had feelings for me, I wouldn't have done anything with you." A lie. I'd slept with Kelsey because I was horny and because she was there. There was no other reason beyond my own laziness.
The door was only a few steps away. I had to get out of there. Kelsey looked up at me like a lost kitten and started to cry again. Fuck. I can't deal with girls crying. "Listen," I said. "I have to go to class. I just wanted to be honest with you, OK? You should find someone who wants to have a real relationship with you, Kelsey. You deserve that."
I stood up and began edging myself towards the door as she sat at the table wiping her eyes. "But I don't want a relationship with anyone-"
"I have to go!" I cut in, desperate to just get away from her. "I hope you, uh, I hope you feel better. I'm sorry if you thought this could have been something more but it can't OK?"
Back out in the hallway I slumped against a door and exhaled. Shit, that was difficult. It was also, for me, almost totally out of character. I operated under the assumption that girls knew who I was. Most of them did. Most of them knew perfectly well that a make-out session at a party or a drunken blowjob was going to be just that and nothing more. I needed to stay away from girls like Kelsey. Definitely more trouble than they were worth.
Days passed. I kept my eyes out for Tasha but I didn't see her. It was odd not to see her - even if we didn't actually have any classes together I knew where her locker was and I used to see her a few times a day most days. Not that week. Was she avoiding me? Why hadn't I gotten her phone number? By the time the next week rolled around I was getting so pre-occupied with her whereabouts that a couple of my friends even noticed and asked me what was up. I denied that anything was up.
The next day, I spotted Tasha outside the school, on her way to the bus stop. She was with one of her friends. I ran to catch up with them and called her name. When she turned around I could see she was upset.
"Hey," I said, obviously having blundered into a serious conversation. "I, uh, I was wondering where you were. Didn't see you last week."
Tasha's friend gave her a look. "I'll let you two talk. Call me or message me later Tash, OK?"