"Oh, yes, I'm fine," I lied. "Just feeling a little emotional lately, it must be the hormones!"
Appointment over, I drove home gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles were white. It was real, what I'd seen. The photos of Kaden and the pretty redhead, gazing at each other. I tried to talk myself out of everything I was feeling. What did you think was going to happen? He's gorgeous and famous, of course he was going to get into a relationship sooner or later. This changes nothing.
But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it was fine, it wasn't. I was angry, even as I knew I had no justification for it. My hands shook as I mashed potatoes for dinner, my jaw was tight. The feeling of betrayal nauseated me. All of this as I knew I had no claims on Kaden Barlow. I hadn't even told him about the baby!
That's how emotions are, though. Sometimes, they don't make any sense at all and that fact does nothing to diminish their intensity. Apparently, I'd been holding onto the idea of being with Kaden. In spite of all that I'd told myself, all the practicality I'd feigned - mostly to myself, as it turned out - there was nothing I could do, nothing I could tell myself, to make the sickening hollowness in my gut go away.
The next few days were unpleasantly reminiscent of that awful time in high school, after prom. I couldn't seem to think of anything but the photos I'd seen. And I couldn't stop tormenting myself by imagining the details. Did she feel the same way it made me feel when Kaden put one of his hands on the small of her back? Did he kiss her the way he used to kiss me, like part of him wanted to consume me whole? Did she feel that same tightening at the very center of her soul when he came?
Alisha caught me alone one day, resting in my bedroom on a Sunday afternoon.
"Tash?" She asked, knocking on the open door. "Can I come in?"
"Sure," I replied, sitting up at the tone in her voice, which seemed to suggest she had something important to talk about. "What is it?"
Alisha sat down and put her hand on my belly. "Is she - or he - awake?"
I still hadn't found out the sex and by that point I'd decided to let it be a surprise. "Seems to have settled down for now," I told her. "Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong. I just, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Sure..." I said, still wary of the way her voice sounded.
"Yeah," Alisha started. "I don't - Tash, don't get upset with me, OK? I'm not telling you what to do, I want you to know that. I just want to ask you a question."
Even though she hadn't even asked yet, I could already feel the tension in my body rising in anticipation. No one ever says 'don't get mad' if they think you're not going to get mad. I gave Alisha a little gesture to let her know she could go on.
"Yeah, so anyway, Tash. You're - what - seven months now?"
I nodded.
"I guess I'm just wondering if you've given it any more thought to tell Kaden about the baby. He always seemed like a great guy, I'm not sure why you've been so resistant to the idea. This is his baby, too, and he is responsible for-"
"I don't want his money," I said abruptly, cutting Alisha off and then immediately apologizing. "Ugh, sorry. Sorry, Alisha. But I don't want his money. It's not about that."
"OK," Alisha said, speaking in that slow, calm way people do when they know you're on the edge of getting upset. "I'm not saying you do - it's pretty obvious you don't. But you're going to need help when that baby is born. This isn't an insult, it's just the truth. You're going to have to cut your hours at work, at least at first. It's not about wanting Kaden's money, it's about him being a father and having responsibilities to his child. You can't make those disappear, you know."
I looked out the window at a gray, monotone winter's day. I couldn't look at Alisha. "I know," I said robotically. "I understand."
A few moments passed. "So," Alisha finally said. "You're going to tell him?"
"No."
It was the first time I'd said it out loud. I think I surprised myself more than Alisha with such a definitive statement, actually. She paused again, too, clearly not finished talking to me but also unsure how to word whatever it was she was going to say next.
"I respect that, Tash. It's your decision and I respect that. I guess I just don't entirely understand it. Why are you being such a hard-ass about this? That guy was into you, you know. It was so obvious to everyone.'
She was fishing for an explanation. I knew I wasn't going to be able to give it to her without crying so I just told her to go check out the website of the magazine I'd seen in the doctor's office.
"Google the website name and Kaden's name," I told her. Without a word, Alisha left the room, presumably to do just that. And I, after she was gone, couldn't stop the tears from coming. Everything I was feeling over Kaden now had an extra layer of shame piled on top of it. I knew Alisha didn't mean to shame me but that's how it made me feel all the same. Like I was doing the wrong thing rather than trying to protect my baby and myself from a man who could never be a permanent fixture in our lives even if his intentions were good.