Jen wiped her eyes and smiled. "Jeez, I really am an asshole, huh? You're pregnant! Congratulations! And I apologize for getting my messy emotions all over you."
We were sitting in the little café that was part of the same strip mall as the office. Jen got up and gave me a big hug, apologizing again even as I insisted it wasn't necessary - and it wasn't, because she was right. Emotional availability was not one of my strong points, I was aware of that. When she sat back down and after the waitress had delivered a second cinnamon bun for us to tear apart, Jen caught my eye.
"It's Kaden Barlow's, isn't it?"
I gave her a little nod. "Yep."
"Have you told him yet?"
I shook my head.
"When are you - or, I mean, are you going to tell him?"
"I think so. It's just - I don't know, I don't feel ready to yet. He's in Dallas now, playing for the Cowboys . I mean, he's a huge star, isn't he? I can barely look at the internet without seeing some fawning article about him. I don't want him to think I'm trying to trap him or get money from him or-"
"It doesn't seem like that's the kind of relationship you had with him at all, Nat," Jen said. "And besides, he was there, too, right? You didn't poke holes in any condoms. This is just as much his responsibility as it is yours. And you have a right to child support, by the way. Although, I don't know, he seemed really into you. Are you sure he would react badly?"
I wasn't sure Kaden would react badly. But that didn't mean I wasn't scared of it happening anyway. The truth was I'd just been refusing to think about it. Now that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without seeing the evidence that I was, in fact, having a baby, everything had suddenly become that much more pressing.
"No. I mean, I don't know, Jen. Kaden is a good guy. I'm sure he'll support me financially, all of that. It's not really about that. I guess I just always hoped I would be married when I had a kid, you know? I promised myself I wouldn't ever have a baby with a man who wasn't going to be there for them, because I know what that feels like. And now here I am. No matter how much Kaden helps, he's not going to be here, is he? He's halfway across the country playing football. It doesn't matter how much money he has, he still can't be here."
Jen shrugged. "Maybe. I think you're being a little pessimistic, Nat, although I guess I shouldn't be surprised, should I? Everything you've ever told me about Kaden makes him sound like a great guy. Lots of families with both parents living at home are messed up. And lots of families with non-traditional arrangement aren't messed up. You're a smart girl and you've got a good head on your shoulders. I don't think this has to be anything like it was for your mom."
She was right. So why couldn't I get rid of that pit in my stomach, the mom-guilt threatening to set in before I even gave birth? I drove home that evening and went to bed that night with various scenarios of how I would tell Kaden the news playing in my head. And there, behind all of them, was another scenario: just not telling him. I didn't want Kaden's money. Or his fame. All I wanted was him, and that conundrum, the one that had been stubbornly persistent since we were two kids in high school, was as real as ever. There was already talk of the Cowboys going to the playoffs. Maybe even the Superbowl. Kaden had made it. Unlike me, he was in the place he'd always aimed for, his life's goal achieved.
Time passed and my bump got bigger. People started to talk - at work, anyway. At least Jen was there for me, deflecting any rumors, insisting that I had had a secret, non-Kaden Barlow boyfriend back in the spring that I just hadn't told anyone about. It was a little silly, but part of me was genuinely worried - the tabloids were very interested in Kaden. All it would take is one person to see dollar signs in their eyes and the whole situation could blow up into a huge mess. It was the last thing I wanted.
I kept postponing a decision on telling him, too. It kept getting pushed back a week, a couple of weeks. Then in December I found myself at my doctor's office, waiting for a routine blood test, when Kaden's face on the cover of a magazine caught my eye. So did the headline.
"Kaden Barlow In Love!" It screamed in bright yellow text, seemingly right at me. With one shaking hand, I reached out and picked it up, knowing every second that I wasn't going to like what I saw. There it was, right under a huge photo of his face on the front page, a smaller photo of him and a gorgeous redhead, both dressed to the nines and staring at each other with real affection in their eyes. As soon as I saw it I threw the magazine back onto the table like it was on fire.
Luckily the receptionist called me in to see the doctor before I had a chance to think too much about what I'd just seen. I was shocked, though, and a little teary. At one point the doctor asked me if I was OK.