For a moment or two, I was tense, poised to fire a response at Jess, to tell her how wrong she was, how she didn't know how it was between Tasha and I. But before I could say anything I just felt a kind of awful acceptance crawling through me. She was right. Tasha had even told me that she was scared, that day we met in the coffee shop after she decided to hear me out about the incident at our prom.
"Shit," I said, looking Jess in the eye. "Oh shit, Jess. I fucked up. Didn't I? I didn't even mean to. You probably won't even believe this but I thought...I thought I was fighting for us, you know? I thought I was fighting for me and Tasha, to be with her."
Jess reached across the table and gave one of my hands a squeeze. "I know, Kaden. Believe me, I know. This isn't about me thinking you're selfish or anything like that. These situations can seem so clear from one side, I understand that. And it's not like her family situation was the only thing, either."
"It wasn't?" I asked despairingly. "Jesus, this feels like a really unpleasant kind of therapy, you know."
"Ah," Jess giggled, "but you got free tea! Worth it!"
"We should have done this somewhere I could have had a drink. A real drink, I mean. I need one."
"We don't have to do this," Jess said quietly. "We can talk about it some other time if you want. I think one of my roommates has a six-pack in the fridge back at our apartment, too. We could go drink a beer and talk about something else."
"No," I sighed. "This sucks, but I want to hear it. In some messed up way, I feel like I need to hear it. So go on, you've cut my chest open, why not finish the job and rip my heart right out?"
I was laughing as I spoke, clearly joking around, but I knew - and Jess knew - that it wasn't really a joke. She started talking again, both of us committed, by that point, to having the conversation in full.
"You were her first, weren't you? I mean, she lost her virginity to you? And you were her first boyfriend, too?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "Yeah, I was. I told you we only had sex that one time, too. Afterward - even after we sorted out the whole prom mess - it was like she was wary of me somehow."
"Uh-huh," Jess said. "Yeah, that's not surprising. She was a smart girl, right Kaden? She saw how your life was, all the girls, the NFL scouts at your high school games? You think she acted like that because she was over you or she wanted to hurt you?"
"I have no idea why she acted like she did, Jess," I sighed. "I honestly have no fucking clue."
"No, you do know. You said it yourself. She was scared."
"Scared of what?" I asked, frustrated to the point of restlessness.
"Of how she felt about you, probably. She knew you were leaving Little Falls and she knew she wasn't leaving - that she couldn't leave. What I'm saying is that Tasha knew there was an end-point on the relationship. You're never going back to Little Falls. It wasn't going to be two years, or four years of college and then a reunion , was it? As long as you manage not to get your throwing arm caught in any industrial machinery, you're going to the NFL. Everyone knows it. I probably would have done exactly what she did, you know. It was self-protection."
Why did it make sense, now that Jess was saying it? How hadn't I figured out that Tasha's behavior was most likely due to how strongly she felt about me? And not about her losing her feelings for me at all?
"I could have taken care of her," I said to Jess, almost cringing at the begging note in my voice. "If I get drafted next month I could take care of her whole family. I would have! I just didn't - I didn't think of any of the things you're telling me right now."
"And do you think that's what Tasha or her family wants? I mean, I don't know them at all so maybe I'm wrong but they sound pretty proud to me. It's not always as easy as paying the bills, Kaden. So if you're thinking of calling her when you get home tonight and promising to pay off their medical bills, I suggest you think about that."
I couldn't help but chuckle. "Goddamn, Jess. Are all chicks psychic? I didn't even realize I was thinking about that until you just said it. The thought was already there in my mind - message Tasha, offer to pay her mom's bills. How do you guys do that?"
"It's a side-effect of estrogen," Jess said, grinning. "Psychic abilities. We generally don't talk to men about it."
It was lucky for Jess I had football practice that afternoon - if not, I probably would have stayed there into the night, peppering her with questions about Tasha, women, life in general. When she dropped me off at the practice field she grabbed my arm just before I got out.