None came. Not that night, not the next day, not ever. I didn't miss Michael. Beyond a cringing embarrassment at stringing him along for so long, something I hadn't intended but had managed to do just the same, there was no sense of loss. If anything I was just relieved I didn't have to go on any more 'quirky' dates and spend money I'd have much rather put in the bank.
So there was really no adjustment to make. Life with Michael became life post-Michael and nothing much changed at all, barring his absence. Jennifer kept dating Josh, and she seemed sympathetic to my explanation that I just hadn't felt any passion with Michael.
It was on one of those long, hot August days that are typical in Little Falls that I found her in her office with some paperwork I needed to make copies of. She was sitting in front of her computer.
"Oh, hey," she said, looking up and noticing me. "Isn't this the guy you used to date in high school?"
My stomach did an immediate flip but I kept the expression on my face neutral and walked around behind her so I could see what she was reading. Kaden Barlow no longer had any hold on me. Surely I could manage to look at a photo of him on the internet.
On the screen, there was a photo of Kaden. He looked quite different - a lot more styled, with a trendy haircut and an expensive-looking, perfectly fitted suit on. He was standing with two people - a gray-haired older man and a pretty young woman. He had an arm slung around the woman's waist and they were standing very close to each other.
"Yeah," I said, "that's him. What's going on? Did he do something scandalous?"
"Nah, it's just some publicity photo for a charity event at Brooks. They're calling him a 'future NFL star.' Damn, girl. Why didn't you lock that down when you had the chance?"
I must have betrayed a certain level of discomfort with that question because a few seconds later, Jennifer immediately began to apologize:
"Oh, shit, Tasha. I'm sorry. I didn't - I didn't mean to pry or anything. I just thought you-"
"No," I said breezily. "It's fine. We were just really young. And you know the situation with my family. I couldn't leave, he couldn't stay. It was what it was, you know?"
"Sure," Jennifer replied, looking worried. "Yeah, of course. I forgot about the thing with your mom. I'm really sorry, Natasha."
I was doing a very bad job of hiding my discomfort, that much was obvious. Best to get out of there as soon as possible, to try and salvage at least some of my dignity.
"It's nothing!" I reassured Jennifer again. "Really! Now can I get that paperwork or not?"
At least I didn't obsessively think about the incident for hours afterward. So seeing a photo of Kaden still had an effect on me, so what. He was my first love, the man I lost my virginity to, and there hadn't been anyone since him. It definitely brought up some memories. But that's all they were. Memories. Everyone had them. No big deal.
At least that's what I told myself. I didn't have a choice. What else could I have done? Admitted that just seeing an image of Kaden on a screen still did more for me than any man ever had, before or after him? No. That wasn't a truth I was in any way prepared to face. So I didn't. I just brushed it under the rug of my mind and left it there. It's surprising how easy it is for us to fool ourselves, sometimes.
Chapter 21: Kaden
College was everything it had promised to be. Actually, it was better. Football players were gods on the Brooks campus and we were treated as such. Sure, it was unfair, but it would continue on long after I was gone so, as my reasoning went, why not enjoy it while I could?
Academics were an afterthought - a box to tick. And literally everyone around me made it clear that they would do everything possible to make sure I kept my grades up. Now, I was never a straight-A student, but I wasn't a straight-C student either. Solid B- seemed to be my territory. So it wasn't too much trouble to keep that average up, but it was also nice to know there was nice, big safety net waiting to catch me if I fell.
Outside of academics, it was all gravy. Constant parties - and not the kind of cheap beer in run-down apartments parties that a lot of my non-football playing peers went to but parties in beautiful houses stocked with expensive liquor and attended by the cream of the Brooks crop. Media attention just added to my reputation - even during my first freshman semester, there were sports reporters regularly showing up on campus or e-mailing me asking for interviews.
A few of my teammates and frat brothers went a little too far - too much drinking, too much sex, that sort of thing. But I'd been seized with a new purpose and although I definitely indulged I never went too far. Working with the team fitness coach had me in the best shape of my life.