Quarterback's Secret Baby(48)

Jennifer waved her hand in the air dismissively. "So? Blake and Chris both like you. Haven't you noticed how they're always coming to you for help with stuff they could totally do themselves?"

"Um - are they?"

Blake and Chris were both in their thirties, both lawyers. It had never even crossed my mind to consider either one as a romantic partner.

"Yeah, they are. I'm not saying you should get with either one of them, but still, it's so funny that you miss stuff like this. You're so clueless!"

Jennifer was very direct. It didn't bother me much because she had a sort of good-natured way about her, like she wasn't implying that she herself had any sort of clue, either.

"I guess I just - ugh, I don't know!" I said. "I'm busy at work. I don't notice people creeping around my office trying to flirt with me. And Jen, they're old."

"Oh, I know. They're not that old, but you're only nineteen and I know how old thirty sounded when I was nineteen so I get it. But we're on for the double-date, then?"

I shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

I did it, too. Jennifer booked us a couple of hours at the bowling alley - she seemed to think quirky activities were the thing to do on dates - and introduced me to Michael the lawyer. And she was right, he wasn't a weirdo. He was perfectly nice. Well-spoken, funny and, although I didn't quite agree with Jen's assessment of him as 'good-looking,' he wasn't bad. The double-date seemed to go well. At the end of it Michael asked me if I wanted to go out again sometime and I said yes. Then he kissed me on the cheek and left.

Spring came, and then early summer. Life was steady. Michael was steady. We only saw each other about once a week, due to mutual busyness, but the relationship hadn't progressed beyond a few tepid make-out sessions. It wasn't that I didn't like him - I did. And some part of me understood that dating men was now the expected thing to do as a young, single woman. But there no heat between us and after a few months had passed it was becoming increasingly obvious that my efforts to convince myself that it would just naturally grow were wasted. It was after another double-date with Jennifer and Josh that Michael pulled back from me abruptly when I turned my head away from him as he tried to kiss me. We were sitting in his car outside my house.

"Why are you even dating me?" He asked abruptly. It wasn't a question I was prepared for. I tried to play it off.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, Natasha. It's a simple question. Why are you dating me?"

"Um," I stammered. "I'm, uh, I'm dating you because I like you. What do you want me to say?"

Michael rubbed his forehead slowly. "I know you're young," he said, "so it's possible you just don't know how this works, but I've tried to be patient with you. We've been seeing each other for months now and we've hardly done more than kissing. And even then I always get the feeling that you're just doing it to get it over with."

"Well, I, uh-"

"Don't you think that's strange?" He continued. "Usually when people date it's because they want something more than friendship. I've tried to be respectful and understanding but the truth it, this isn't going anywhere, is it? Anywhere past friendship, I mean?"

I opened my mouth to say something reassuring but before the words came out I just closed my eyes and hung my head slightly. He was right. I didn't feel much of anything when Michael put his hands on me. Not disgust, not lust.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I thought it would come - I thought that's what dating was, but..."

"But it isn't coming, is it?" He asked. "Your feelings, I mean? You don't really have any for me, do you?"

"That's not true. I do have feelings for you. I really like you. It's just, it's not-"

"Not in that way, right? It's OK, Natasha, there's no need to try and spare my feelings here, it's not like it isn't obvious. I just think it's beyond time for me to end this. It's painful for me to be in this state of constantly hoping for something I'm not going to get, and it's no good for you, either. We should both be with people who want to be with us. The way men and women want to be with each other."

"You're right," I whispered after a long pause. "You're right, I'm sorry. Michael, I really am sorry - I didn't mean to waste your time, I just-"

"That's fine, Natasha. I appreciate the apology, But I have work in the morning so I should probably be getting home."

Michael's tone was firm and cold. I looked up, surprised to hear it like that, and saw the same thing in his eyes. There was nothing else to say. In silence, I gathered my things and got out of the car, closing the door behind me and watching as Michael drove down the street away from me. Then I walked into the house, monitoring my own mental state, waiting for the emotions to come, whatever they were.