Quarterback's Secret Baby(47)

"Dinner's ready!" Alisha's voice interrupted us, calling from the kitchen. My stomach rumbled in anticipation. Ray grabbed Rosa and I helped my mother make her way to the table where a feast - a feast I had had a huge hand in preparing - awaited us. We said grace and tucked in.

About half an hour later, just as everyone was starting to slow down, my mother looked up at me and said:

"Tash, why do you look so sad?"

Suddenly everyone was looking at me. There was real concern on their faces, too.

"Darn," I said, forcing a small laugh. "I didn't realize I was being so obvious." A weak attempt at a joke - and one everyone saw through right away.

"Young lady, there are more fish in the sea," my mom said. "I see you working so hard for this family, trying to put a happy face on, but do you think I don't also see that look in your eyes sometimes when you think no one's watching? We all see it. This has been going on since before the summer and I just think it's time to put it to rest now. Everyone at this table - except CeeCee and Rosa, and believe me, they'll know soon enough - knows what it is to have a broken heart. Now you listen to me. You are smart, beautiful, kind and loving. There are a million men who would be lucky to have you."

The last few bites of candied yam on my plate blurred as I looked down at them. Dammit. Don't cry. Don't cry! But it was happening, whether I wanted it to or not. Someone squeezed my hand - Alisha.

"You're not as good at hiding your feelings as you think you are, Tash. And no one here is telling you how to feel. What we're saying is, we appreciate everything you do and we love you. You're not alone, you know. Just like your mom said, we've all been there."

Maybe it was that enough time had passed by then, maybe it was the fact that I was feeling emotional about Christmas anyway, but for some reason, their words just sunk in a little deeper that time. When I went to bed that night I felt something I hadn't felt for a long time - hope. Kaden was gone, it was true. But where that fact used to fill me with a feeling of devastation, that night it just presented itself as what it was: a fact. He was gone. I was not. The power to make my life as good as it could be was in my hands, not his.





Chapter 20: Natasha


The new year brought me a new sense of purpose. The feeling of walking through sludge, of fighting against a current, had mostly dissipated. It was even possible to see a headline about Kaden, or a photo, without wanting to hide in a bathroom cubicle and weep. I threw myself back into my own life. At work, that meant a raise and at play, it meant I started socializing again. With friends from high school but also with a couple of my work colleagues. I became quite close to a woman who had gone to Reinhardt a few years before me and who had just returned to Little Falls after going away to college to get her law degree. Her name was Jennifer Brown and she wore pantsuits and was obsessed with finding a husband. We developed a routine of going to a coffee bar a block away from the law office a few times a week, where she would regale me with tales of her dating adventures. One day, she told me she'd met someone who was perfect for me.

"Really?" I asked, half-hopeful and half certain it would be another dud - she seemed to have a talent for finding duds. "And? Who is he?"

"Well," Jennifer said, leaning across the table and pausing dramatically. "He's a lawyer and he's good-looking."

"And is he fifty years old?" I asked, smiling, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"No, he's twenty-six."

"Why aren't you dating him?"

"Because I'm dating his friend - Josh - and I only met him last weekend when Josh introduced us. I immediately thought of you. He seems pretty perfect. We should go on a double date, don't you think?"

"I don't know," I said, stalling. Jennifer was cool and she was a good lawyer but I didn't trust her taste in men. "What's his name? And is he really good-looking or are you just saying that?"

Jennifer shook her head and gave me a look. "God, Natasha. Would it kill you to go on a single date? You never mention any men in your life! His name is Michael and yes, he really is hot."

The waitress brought our coffees to the table and I looked outside at a snowy, gray Little Falls. Jennifer was right. It wouldn't kill me to go on a date.

"OK," I said, taking a small sip of my too-hot coffee.

"OK what?"

"OK I'll go on the date!" I laughed. "But if he's a weirdo, Jennifer, I'm never going to trust you again."

"He's not a weirdo, Nat. You're a weirdo. Do you know how many guys at the office have a crush on you? They all think you're some kind of unattainable ice-queen."

"Jen," I chuckled, "there are only, like, four guys at the office. And at least one of them is married."