Quarterback's Secret Baby(43)

She finally looked up at me then, exasperated. "It's not about whether or not I believe you, Kaden, is it? Not really, I mean? And I said I do, OK? And you're right, it's not just about you going away to college..."

"Well, what is it about?" I asked, frustrated. "Damn, Tasha. Things were so great between us. I know how I felt and I'm pretty sure you felt the same way."

"Well,' she replied, sighing. "It's about - Kaden, it's about everything. It's about my life - and your life. You say going to college isn't a big deal but it is and I think deep down you know that. You're going to have a whole different life at college. The last thing I want is to be some kind of anchor, pulling you back to Little Falls, missing you all the time, resenting you when you can't come. And, God, I guess I should just say this, even if it's embarrassing. This whole thing with you kind of scared the hell out of me, you know."

I wasn't really thinking straight by that point. I heard the last thing Tasha said, about being scared, but I didn't take it in, I was in too much of a panic to convince her - and myself - that me going away to college and her staying in Little Falls didn't have to be a big deal. That our relationship could continue on just as it had been before prom night. So when I answered it was just basically a repetition of what I'd already said - telling her she was mistaken, we could have a real relationship even if we didn't live in the same town, even if I was playing football and she was working full-time to support her family etc. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work. We chatted for a little longer, most of it small talk, until Tasha reached for her bag.

"I've got to go, Kaden. I'm on baby duty this evening. I need to stop off at the grocery store and get some things for dinner, too."

"Wait," I said, getting up and following her outside. "Tasha, just hold on. Wait a minute."

She turned to me, annoyed. "What, Kaden? What haven't we talked about? I told you how I feel about all this and you just, all you've done is reiterate over and over that you think it'll all be fine."

"But it will be!" I told her, hating the pleading tone that was creeping into my voice. "If we both work at it, it will be. Why wouldn't you want to try? I mean, I thought things were really good with us before - before all this. Weren't they?"

Tasha looked away for a few seconds. When she looked back, her eyes were glassy with tears she was desperately trying to blink away. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes they were. But I think you're wrong when you say that your college and football and my working all the time won't make things difficult. And I just don't know if I can take getting hurt again, Kaden."

"But it wasn't my-"

"I know it wasn't! I mean, now I know. But we still got hurt, didn't we? I couldn't even get out of bed for days. And when I did I felt so bad it was like I was a different person. I mean, that's terrifying to me, don't you get it? You're asking me to risk going through that again. You're promising me you can change your whole lifestyle and it doesn't even seem like you've thought about it at all. It seems like you're just saying anything you can to get me to go along with you."

I paused, looking down at Tasha's sad, pretty face. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her. To make her believe that I could be the man she wanted me to be. "Well, why wouldn't I say that?" I asked. "I - Tasha, I really fucking like you. Like, a lot. OK? More than I've ever liked any girl before. I'm trying not to lose you. What do you expect me to say?"

It wasn't working. There was a barrier there and I couldn't get past it. I didn't know how to get past it.

"OK," she said. "Kaden, I'm not saying we can never talk again or anything like that. We can still talk on the phone and message and even go out for coffee like we just did. But I can't give you anything more, not right now. I'm trying to explain why but I can see from your face that you don't get it."

"You're right," I snapped, angry at the way she seemed to be writing me off. "I don't get it. I don't get it at all. It's like you want this to end. Is that it? Are you just too cowardly to dump me?"

Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Before I'd even finished speaking Tasha was walking away from me, the same way she had in a different parking lot all those years ago. There was no spaghetti sauce on her legs this time but everything else was the same - the stiff gait, the way she held her head high, all of it.

"Tasha!" I yelled, because I didn't know what else to do.

She stopped walking. Then she turned around and ran back to me, burying her face in my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her so tightly I wasn't sure she could breathe properly. She made a sound - I think it was a sob. Just a single one. Then she turned her head up to me for a few seconds, looking me right in the eyes. I bent down to kiss her but she ducked away, disentangling herself from my arms and walking off again. That time, she didn't come back. I stood frozen to the spot for a minute, staring after her as she left.