Pushing the Limits(14)

The image of them together is burned into my memory, and every time I  think I can move on, fear and doubt raise their ugly heads.

My very own brother betrayed me. My girlfriend of six years threw it all away.

Once I was done yelling and punching holes in the wall, I'd learned  they'd been having an affair on and off for the past year. My mind was  completely blown away. My heart-wrecked.

For five years, I've tried to get her out of my head. I'd fuck women  until I'd tired of them. Drink until thoughts of her vanished from my  mind. Sleep until I was too numb to care.

But it was never enough. No, the memory of that day still haunts me …

"I swear, Morgan, it's not what you think." Her eyes are red and  swollen, her voice squeaky and barely audible for the frantic crying  she's been doing for the last hour.

"You must've lost all your damn brain cells from banging your head  against the headboard as you were fucking another man if you think I'm  buying any of your shit."

"Morgan, please! Give me the chance to explain!" She grabs ahold of my shirt as I begin to walk away.

"There's nothing to explain, Jen. It's over … get out." I jerk my arm out of her reach and stomp away.

"You can't kick me out of my own house! We can work this out. I promise  it'll never happen again!" I glance at her as fresh tears roll down her  cheeks, but I feel no sympathy for her. Nothing.

A bitter laugh rumbles up my throat as I hear her pathetic pleas. "Fine,  I'll move out then. In fact, fuck it. I'll move out now."

"No, don't! Let's just talk this out. Please!"

I lean down so we're eye level, mere centimeters apart. "There's nothing  to talk about. You fucked around on me weeks before our wedding! I'm  never touching you again," I hiss.

The anger boils up inside me as I think about one of our last  encounters. I packed a bag that night, left town, and didn't look back.

Until six months ago that is.

That phone call changed everything.

"Do I really have to go tonight?" Natalia groans with a serious side of attitude, pulling me back to the present.

"Are you still causing trouble in school?" I raise a brow in her  direction. She glares and rolls her eyes at me. "That's what I thought."

"It's a waste of money." She crosses her arms. "I basically just sit there."

"Perhaps you could try talking then," I mock. "Plus, it's your money you're wasting."

I knew that'd grab her attention. She jerks her head back in my direction. "How so?"

"Your dad's social security."

"What's that?"

"It's what the government pays when a child is left behind from a death.  He also had a retirement fund and pension from the Berkeley PD that  you'll get when you turn eighteen."

She stays silent, turns her head back and stares out the window. "What if I don't want it?"

My brows furrow. "What do you mean you don't want it?"

"I don't want his money," she states matter-of-factly.

She hasn't spoken much about Ryan up to this point, and I know her  therapist hasn't been very successful in getting much out of her, so I  try to keep her going. "Why not?"

"Because I hate him."

"Natalia, you don't mean that."

"I do."

"Why would you hate your dad?"

She faces me and frowns. "Because he left me. First my mother left and  now he did. No one wants me." I hear the sadness in her voice, which I  can't even blame her for, but thinking her parents chose to leave her  isn't something I can let her continue to believe.

"You can't really think that. You know they wouldn't have ever left you if they had the choice."         

     



 

She answers with a nonchalant shrug.

"Your parents loved you so much, Natalia, so much. I know you're angry, but it only hurts because of how much you loved them."

Her face softens, and I notice her eyes watering. "It hurts too much to  think about loving them. So I would rather just be mad at them instead."

Surprisingly, I know exactly how she feels. It's a complicated feeling  between grieving for someone you loved and grieving for a relationship  you once had. The last time I spoke to Ryan, I was ready to smash his  face into the pavement, but the biggest regret I have was not fixing our  relationship before he passed away. Now it's too late, and I'll never  have that closure. I'll forever have to live with the guilt of my last  hateful words to him.

"Go to hell, Ryan. Go to hell and take Jennifer with you. You two deserve each other."

Remembering those last words to him pulls me back to that moment-a  moment I'll never forget. Ryan tried to get me to talk to him, tell me  some bullshit on how it ‘just happened,' but I was too pissed off to  hear any of his excuses. It was over between Jennifer and me, but  looking back, I should've mended things with him. Should've looked past  it because we were family-brothers.

I was more than surprised to hear that he granted me guardianship of Natalia in his will. I hadn't expected that at all.

"Natalia, I'm going to tell you something that I think you need to hear."

"Okay," she says softly, her eyes low and wet.

"I'm mad at your dad, too. I'm mad that he died. I'm mad that you lost  both of your parents so early. I'm mad that we didn't get to reunite  before he passed away, but it brought me to you. So sometimes when I  think about how angry I am, I just think about the positive things  instead."

"Like me?" Her eyelashes rise.

"Yes, like you." I flash a genuine smile at her. "Even if you hate my cooking."

"Well … you've been improving."

"Or you're just adapting." I wink.

"I wouldn't go that far."

I chuckle at her honesty.

We arrive at the therapist's office and for the first time in months,  Natalia isn't pouting the entire time. In fact, Dr. Kingston said she  actually answered some of her questions and even talked a little about  her anger.

"I finally see some progress with Natalia. She's opened up a little, but  I think she still has a long ways to go. She may even backpedal a  little before really coming to terms with what's happened," Dr. Kingston  reports to me after her session.

"As I expect." From how Natalia's handling everything, I'd have to agree with Dr. Kingston.

She nods and leans down in front of Natalia. "I'll see you next week."

"Splendid."

"Nat." I flash her a warning look.

She shows off a toothy-fake grin. "See you then!" she says with an overly exaggerated sweet tone.

I walk her out and wrap my arm around her shoulders. I know she uses  sarcasm and sassy remarks to hide what she's really feeling, but I want  her to know she can be real with me. Know that she can count on me.

"Natalia, you know you can always talk to me if you feel you can't talk to Dr. Kingston. About anything."

She looks up through her eyelashes and nods. Her lips barely spread into a smile, but I know she understands.

"So should we grab some food, go home and watch a movie?" I nudge her, lightening up her mood.

She looks up at me and she smiles. "Sure. But I'm not watching Gladiator again."

I laugh at her scowl and agree. "You've got it, Shorty."





After devouring Chinese takeout and watching Thirteen Going on Thirty,  Nat passes out on the couch next to me. I look over at her and reminisce  about how she has her whole life ahead of her yet. She's been dealt  some rough cards, but I think we'll eventually pull each other out of  this anger phase-or at least I hope so. Any more school suspensions and  she just might get sent to an alternative school.

I carry her to bed and cover her up with the sheets. I know she keeps a  ratty old stuffed bear under her pillow. She claims she's too big to  sleep with stuffed animals, but she's had it since she was a baby.

I grab the bear and stick it underneath her arm before pulling the  heavier comforter over her body. I brush my hand gently over her hair  and kiss her on the forehead.

My life has sure changed a lot in the past year. Before I moved out  here, I was living the bachelor life. No responsibilities besides going  to work and paying bills, no one telling me what I could and couldn't  do, no one holding me back.         

     



 

But if truth be told, it was a lonely lifestyle. Looking back, it wasn't  all it was cracked up to be. Having no one to come home to, no one  excited to see you after a long day, or no one checking up on you to  make sure everything's all right. Before I left, I lived for that. I  loved being in a relationship and coming home to someone I loved.

But that's all changed now. I'm not sure I'll ever feel like that again.





CHAPTER SIX

ASPEN



I work at the gallery Thursday morning. I'm at the information desk  since Kendall is out sick and Ms. Jones and Christine have a conference  meeting. It's completely mundane since I'm only allowed to answer the  phone, but on the bright side, the gallery is gorgeous. I love walking  around and looking at all the paintings. They're all titled, but most of  their meanings are up for interpretation.