I wish I had never Googled him, never discovered this part of his life. Because now, when I look at him, I will be searching for signs of his sorrow. For signs of her. I am mad at myself for being so curious. I don’t know David that well, but I surmise that this is not something he wants to talk about. Three years is a long time, but suicide is surely something that mars you forever. I will keep my mouth closed about this, and if he brings it up, I will play dumb.
I turn off the computer, having discovered quite enough new information for the time being. And I flip open my phone.
Hi.
Two minutes pass before I get a reply.
Hi back.
Did u get some sleep?
Yes. U?
All day.
Glad to hear it.
U home?
No. Out with the assholes.
Your thing with Brad go ok?
No, but I didn’t expect it to.
Oh. Nice shiner u gave him, BTW.
Yes, quite proud.
As u should be.
What r u doing?
My face flushes with guilt, and I am thankful that he can’t see me.
Watching TV.
Anything good?
Just crap.
Go up to my place and pick a DVD. Door’s open. They r in the box next to the TV.
Item number 4: Shitty-ass boyfriends are always trying to get you to watch porn.
Is that so?
Yes. Not interested in your porn either. Not without u anyway.
I’ll be home in twenty.
I don’t want him to come home.
Don’t. I was kidding.
No porn in the box anyway. Sorry to disappoint.
Not disappointed. Enjoy your friends.
Hardly.
Then why r u there?
U were sleeping.
:) like a rock.
Enjoy your movie. Seriously, go pick one.
I’m going to try on all YOUR underwear while I’m up there.
I knew there was a reason to always go commando.
I can think of several...
C u tomorrow Emma.
Good night.
Night.
I flip my phone closed and smile, thankful that what I now know hasn’t changed the spark between us.
I sort through David’s box of movies. He’s right; there’s no porn here. There is, however, a vast assortment of man movies. The Blues Brothers, Star Wars, Field of Dreams. I pull out The Big Lebowski because, even though I’ve seen it a half dozen times, I know it will make me laugh.
* * *
I wake up late on Sunday, eat a leisurely breakfast/lunch, shower, and make a quick trip to the grocery store. When I get back to the apartment building and haul the two bags of groceries off the bus, I see David standing in the parking lot next to his car, talking on his cell phone. When I walk up the steps to the building, I pause and try to make eye contact with him. I don’t want to interrupt his conversation, but I want him to notice me, and eventually he does. As I am pulling open the door, his head lifts and his eyes hit mine. I smile and tip my head in toward the hallway, motioning for him to come in and see me whenever he is ready. He gives me a halfhearted wave. Then he turns around, drops his head, and continues the conversation facing the car.
Ten minutes after I finish unloading the groceries, there is a knock on my door. Even though I know it is David, I peer out the peephole before I open it.
“Hey,” he says, with both hands in his pockets now.
“Hey,” I say. “Everything okay?” He looks a little shaken. Or maybe I am just overly sensitive because of last night’s online revelation. I don’t know.
“Yeah. Everything’s fine,” he says with resignation. “I was just talking to Carl. We’re thinking of moving our poker game to different digs, and he isn’t happy about it. That’s what Brad and I had to deal with yesterday. Carl can’t fucking stumble home drunk if we go to this new place. He’s such an ass.”
“Yeah, I only met him twice, but he definitely set off my ass alarm. I can spot them a mile away.”
David’s face lightens immediately. “Ass alarm, huh? Is that like Gay-dar?”
“Yeah, kinda. Only an ass alarm is far more valuable. Keeps out the riffraff.” I am smiling now, and David’s head sinks to his chest and shakes back and forth. I think he is laughing at me, and frankly, I deserve it. Ass alarm. God, I am a fucking loser.
“Good to know you’ve got one of those. I’ll have to watch myself,” he says, raising his head. “I guess all those shitty-ass boyfriends really light it up, don’t they?”
“Like a goddamned Christmas tree.”
He is grinning again and shaking his head. I turn around and walk back into my apartment. I hear him follow me and close the door behind him.