Pursued(73)

“Merrick…” she whispered, but he ignored her.

He headed back up front, not waiting to see if she would follow or not.

* * * * *



Elise couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so completely miserable. Well, other than her time spent on the Fathership, but she hardly thought of that now, it was in the vault, with everything else. Come to think of it, it was getting pretty crowded in there, with all the things she didn’t want to remember. Sometimes she felt like her real life was in there, behind those badly sealed doors and the existence she led now was completely false.

I’m just skimming the surface, she thought looking down at the too-large harness buckling her in place as Merrick landed their ship. Pretending everything is all right, that I have a normal life. I go to work, I come home, I meet James, we mouth empty pleasantries to each other. I go to bed and wake up and do it all again.

Living inauthentically. That’s what they had called her kind of life in a Philosophy class she’d taken once in college. Pretending everything was fine. Ignoring all the hurt and trauma and madness of the past. It was a coping strategy—one Elise was especially good at. But she found it very hard to keep up around Merrick.

For some reason, the big Kindred seemed to bring the pain of her past to the surface. His very presence threatened to crack her inner vault doors wide open and let out the noxious flood that pressed insistently at the small, walled off corner of her mind she’d designated as untouchable, unthinkable. Elise knew she ought to hate him for being the catalyst that threatened to unleash such a horrific flood.

But she didn’t. She couldn’t. In fact, if she were to allow herself to acknowledge the truth—she felt the exact opposite.

I love him, she thought before she could stop herself. But no, that was stupid. It was just their artificial bond talking. Or was it? Could something that felt this painfully real be completely false? She had never felt this much for James. The thought of marrying him and spending their lives together was vaguely pleasant but it didn’t fill her with rapture or longing. And the idea of being without him didn’t pierce her like an arrow straight to the heart.

She cast a sidelong glance at Merrick who was staring straight ahead at the steering yoke, his face a stony mask. I hurt him, she thought and felt a rush of guilt and pain and shame that was nearly incapacitating. After everything he did for me. After he was so patient and kind and loving. After he made himself vulnerable to me—physically and emotionally—I stomped on his heart and threw it away like trash. God, what’s wrong with me?

But she didn’t have to ask that question—not really. After last night it was obvious what her choices were. Get close to Merrick and watch the door of the vault crack wide and let out everything she’d been suppressing, all the memories and hurts and fears she’d been studiously not thinking about for over ten years…or distance herself from the big Kindred and go on living on the surface. Living inauthentically.

The thing was, living inauthentically didn’t hurt the way remembering the past did. Skimming the surface meant she missed a lot of joy…but she missed a lot of pain, too. And Elise just didn’t feel ready to deal with the pain of her past yet. Honestly, she didn’t think she ever would. So she had to keep her distance from Merrick—emotionally and physically. No more hanky-panky. No matter how angrily the hunger roared and raged within her, she was determined that this time she would feed it only enough to keep both herself and Merrick healthy—no more. Holding hands, maybe sleeping close at night—with some clothes on, of course—should take care of her problem, at least until they severed the bond that tied them together. Then she could go back to her life on Earth with James, as though nothing had ever happened.

It was the perfect solution. So why did even thinking about it make her feel like crying?

“Here we are,” Merrick announced and Elise realized they’d finally landed. The scene on the viewscreen had changed from that of a deep blue ball, which was Rageron viewed from space, to the feathery blue fronds of some kind of plant. At least, Elise thought it was a plant. It was hard to be sure.

“All right,” she said as they both began to unstrap themselves from the safety harnesses. “Should we just get our things and go out then?”

“Don’t bring much,” he said briefly. “I’ve arranged to stay with my kin the first night but after that we’ll be trekking through the Deep Blue. Anything you’ve got will just slow you down.”

“Are you related to them on your father’s side or your mother’s side?” Elise asked, trying to make conversation.