“A drug that acts to repress and eradicate inappropriate feelings between clan members,” Lissa explained. “Every infant is injected with it at birth. It works on the hormonal systems of the body, suppressing any feeling of desire that might grow between two members of the same clan.” She sighed. “In fact, intimate physical touch between clan members is supposed to have the opposite effect of what it would between two who are sanctioned to be together.”
Nadiah shook her head. “I’m not sure I follow. So…this shot—this injection—you all get, is supposed to keep you from getting, uh, hot and bothered by another member of your tribe?”
Lissa nodded. “Essentially, yes. The compound is said to cause revulsion instead of desire. It is supposed to have a direct effect on the body—causing a wrongly sexual touch to make one nearly sick with disgust. And the more intimate the touch, the stronger the physical reaction to it.”
“That seems kind of harsh.” Nadiah frowned. “Anyway, I guess it didn’t work with you and Saber.”
Lissa shrugged. “I don’t know if it did or not. I told you, we were not so depraved as to try and touch each other physically. At least, not intimately. We held hands when no one was looking and once or twice he hugged me and kissed my forehead, but nothing more.” She looked down. “I think that’s one reason Saber told me he would be happy to have a nonphysical relationship and only Touch each other with our minds. We were both afraid that a physical touch between us would have the opposite effect—that it would kill our love for each other.”
“Oh, Lissa…” Nadiah squeezed her shoulders, a look of sorrow on her lovely face. “I’m so sorry! So now you’ll never know…”
“If I could have physically touched him or not. If…if I could have received the Deep Touch from him. No, I will never know that.” Lissa sighed. “Sometimes in my dreams he holds me…caresses my cheek…kisses my lips…” She trailed off, feeling her cheeks burn with shame. “Forgive me, my lady. I should not disclose such…immodest thoughts to you.”
“Of course you can—that’s what I’m here for. We’re friends, remember?” Impulsively, Nadiah kissed her cheek. “I keep telling you—you can talk to me about anything and I promise I won’t judge you. My family didn’t want me with Rast either, you know.”
“Yes, but the Councilor is not in any way related to you,” Lissa said softly. “He is not your…your Moch Daer.”
“What does that mean? Moch Daer?”
“It’s a word…a word with many meanings in my culture.” Lissa sighed. “First and foremost, it mean’s ‘older brother.’ But not just any older brother—it means a male you can trust. A protector who holds a special place in your heart. One you love above all others.” She shook her head. “I called Saber that but I didn’t love him as an amalla—as a beloved little sister should, but in a wrong and incestuous way.” She shook her head. “Minverna knew that. She looked into my heart and saw my shame. What she said about me before she…she died was right and true.”
“That’s still no reason to cut off all your gorgeous hair and run around naked in the desert for a month,” Nadiah objected. “Please, Lissa—please reconsider.”
Lissa took a deep breath and shook her head. “I am sorry, my Lady…Nadiah, if my decision causes you pain. But I must do what I feel is right for me.”
“But this isn’t just a gesture of respect for Minverna—it’s some kind of penance you’re trying to do,” Nadiah objected. “You’re torturing yourself for feelings you can’t help having and that’s not right!”
“Forgive me.” Lissa looked down. “Please, my Lady—forgive me as I cannot forgive myself.”
Then she rose and went to her rooms to prepare for her long ordeal in the desert.
Chapter Sixteen
Merrick rapped lightly on Elise’s bedroom door. It was still closed and locked, just as it had been since the night before. “Elise? We’re in orbit and set to land. I’m sorry baby, but you have to come out now. It’s not safe unless you’re strapped in.”
There was a long silence and he began to wonder if she’d heard him or not. He was raising his hand to knock again when the panel slid open and she appeared. Merrick drew in a breath at the sight of her.
She was wearing a long sleeved turtleneck sweater that covered her all the way down to her wrists and completely hid her slender throat from view. Her slacks were also long and thick and she wore black high-heeled boots on her feet.