At least there’s that, I thought ruefully. I gave her a half-hearted smile as I stepped away from the door to allow another person to make their way inside to sign their life away as well. The longer I had to consider what I was doing the less I actually wanted to go through with it. Seeing Gwen brought back feelings that I knew I needed to suppress,
“I’m just happy that I could do that for you at least, even if everything that happened was my fault,” I said, swallowing hard to fight back something akin to tears. I couldn’t let her see me shrink away from this, after everything that I’d done, she deserved to be as far from me as I could get. I wasn’t the kind of man that she deserved.
“There’s more than that,” she whispered, taking a step closer. I looked deep into her eyes, my heart aching to feel those soft lips against mine, like fruit from the forbidden tree. I wanted to toss all pretense aside and take her into my arms like I’d been dreaming since I saw her that first night in her office. “I know that you still care about me.”
“Of course I do,” I said, taking a breath to calm myself and my quaking nerves. I care for Gwen more than anything, which was why I had to make sure that I was far away from her or anyone else that I cared about. I was toxic, and she’s said as much. So why was she here now when if she’d only waited I’d have been out of her life for another decade or more. “I wouldn’t be doing this otherwise.”
“Rejoining the army?” she asked, her eyebrows raised. “You really think that’s what you want?”
Of course it wasn’t. I had hated my time in the army with such conviction that I’d almost made a game of how much it would take to have me thrown out. But I knew that a life in the military would at least keep me grounded, with a sense of purpose that could not have been seen as more respectable than to strive and possibly put oneself in danger for their country.
“It isn’t about what I want,” I said, shaking my head as I turned away from her touch against my cheek. How could she expect me not to go through with this after everything that had happened? This was my penance, the only chance that either of us had for any sense of happiness. “This is about what needs to happen.”
“Look at you, sounding like a grown-up,” she teased, and I couldn’t understand where her sudden change of attitude had come from. I’d ruined her life only days before and now she was flirting? “Maybe there is another way that you could make up just how awful you’ve been to me lately. A way that I think both of us would enjoy.”
“What has gotten into you?”
“I want to be with you,” she said, looking up into my eyes. “Permanently.”
“How can we do that when every newspaper in town would be hounding us everywhere we went?” I asked. “It would be a zoo, and your reputation is already at risk as it is!”
“That would be true if we were planning on staying in London,” she said, smiling mischievously up at me.
“Where the hell else would we go? Our entire lives are here!”
“Then we can make new lives,” she said, her hands sliding over my sides. “Somewhere that they don’t know us or care who we are to one another.”
“Your business,” I said, unsure where this sudden willingness to abandon her carefully constructed life had come from.
“My business will survive, Tristan, don’t worry,” she said, smiling up at me calmly as her hands caressed my hip. “And Tina can step into my place as CEO. She’s handled the company better than I could have through this whole thing. She’s ready and I have every confidence in her.”
“But what about everything you said?” I asked, still trying to process the fact that we were even having this conversation after the last few days’ events. A rollercoaster had fewer hills and valleys than this relationship had, and things had certainly been said that would be hard to take back. “I thought that I was an asshole and that you never wanted to see me again.”
“You still are an asshole,” she giggled, biting on her lip as she looked. “But you did something that no one has ever done for me, you gave up what you wanted—everything you wanted—so that I wouldn’t be hurt by our mistake.”
“So we’re still a mistake then,” I said, shaking my head in frustration. “I don’t understand why you’re here, Gwen. What is it you want?”
“You, Tristan,” she said, “I want you.”
“How can you after everything that’s happened? You reputation will—”