She sees him. Really sees him, and it breaks my heart because they’ve both been invisible. They’ve both been forgotten in so many ways.
The tell is in the way she looks down, the way my father pushes people away even before someone gives him a reason.
She knows what it feels like to be the leftovers that no one wants. The fringe that no one wants to see.
I see all of that in the way she holds my father’s hand for a good minute longer than necessary.
“I want to hire you to read to my dad.” I blurt it out because I can’t hold it back.
Her eyes open into bluish, full moons and dart from side to side, making sure I’m talking to her.
Seriously, if my dick wasn’t raising the flag, I’d think a vagina was forming where my balls used to be.
“Sorry, I mean—” The pressure in my neck is too much, and the two jerking twitches come whether I want them to or not. “My father loved to read, but he can’t anymore. I talked to Bruce, and he mentioned that I could pay for someone to sit with him and read . . . or whatever. Private duty, he said it was called. I want to do that. I want to hire you to read to him.”
“Private duty is expensive. Your father is here on Medicaid. They don’t cover anything like that.”
“I know. I’ll pay. Bruce said—” I sound like a kid trying to convince their mother that Skittles are really considered a fruit. “Listen, just try it, please? I’ll pay you $100 an hour.” As soon as I say it, I know it’s too much, and her disbelieving eyes confirm my fear. It sounds desperate. “Just for the first couple days, like a signing bonus. Then if you want to keep doing it, maybe like $50 an hour. Try it and if it doesn’t work, no harm. Give it two days, at least an hour a day. If he wants more, do two hours. That’s $400 bucks for a few hours today and tomorrow. If you can, that is . . . if you’re available after your shift.” Jesus Christ shut up already.
There is a noticeable flush in her cheeks. I’m not sure if it’s that creeper thing again, or if she might be interested.
I clear my throat. It’s probably the tenth or twentieth time. I barely notice anymore, but suddenly I’m freaking aware of every part of my body. Certain ones in particular.
I can even feel the heat gathering on the tips of my ears, waiting for her to say something.
Rebecca comes back to me, and I want to shove her back into the past where she belongs. She did get a few things right. . . .
I am single minded. I am lost in the past. And, I sure as shit didn’t pay enough attention to her. To any of them.
But standing in the same room with Promise, I feel like there is a current running between us. Shutting down some areas of my brain, lighting others up.
“Do you have $400? Because I mean, I don’t even know you.” She’s trying to give me a hard time, but I can see a twinkle in her eyes.
“Fair enough.” I reach down to pull the chain that connects my belt to my wallet and her eyes stick to my face like glue even as she puts the glucose monitor back in the case and settles my Dad’s hand gently under the blanket.
The mere fact that she is not looking away or looking down is enough to prickle the hairs on my arms. I want her. There’s no subtlety to it; I want her in a way that hurts.
Before she can out and out say, “No,” I’ve got two hundred-dollar bills in my hand. I step forward until I’m standing on the side of the bed next to her.
“Here. Down payment. Fifty percent is fair, right? I’m taking a chance on you, too, you know.” I smile because I can’t help it.
“Really?” Her indignation is playful, but her eyes are on the Benjamin’s as I set them on top of the three books. I have to reach around her. Her scent catches me, and I inhale until my lungs refuse to fill any further.
I sense the tension rise in her. Her shoulders pull upward and that gaze that was lighting up parts of me that knew only darkness before falls to the floor again.
“I mean, let’s be fair.” I lighten my voice and grin like an idiot. “I don’t even know if you can read, so I’m actually taking a big risk.” I pray she appreciates sarcasm.
I back away. Not because I want to but because she needs the space. I can feel her walls fortify as she shifts her weight away from me.
Too close, creeper. I can hear her silent accusation.
“Ha.” Promise raises her eyes back to me, and I see her considering her response before she continues. “Okay, well. That is fair, I suppose because I’m sure they let people work here who can’t read.” She lobs it right back, deadpan.
She doesn’t touch the money. Instead, she angles her body in order to get past me without any contact. I’m disappointed because I can still feel the power of that slight brush against her yesterday.