‘And the moment we’d had sex, you wanted me to leave. Stop dressing it up, Casper. I’m not stupid.’
‘I am the one who has been stupid,’ he confessed in a raw tone. ‘Stupid for not seeing what was under my nose. When we had sex the day of the rugby, I didn’t know what had happened. I was living this crazy, cold, empty existence, and suddenly there you were. I was shocked by how I felt about you. I actually did think that you were different—and then you kissed me in the window.’
‘You thought I’d done it for a photo opportunity.’
‘Yes.’ He didn’t shrink from the truth. ‘That is what I thought. And everything that happened after that seemed to back up my suspicions. You hid from the world and then announced that you were pregnant. It seemed to me that you were trying to make maximum impact from the story.’
‘From your description, I should obviously be considering a career in public relations.’
‘You have to understand that, when you’re in the public eye, these things happen. You grow to expect them.’ Casper drew away from her and sat up, his gaze thoughtful. ‘Women have always wanted me for what I can give them. Even Antonia, who I thought loved me.’
Holly pulled a face. ‘Yes, well, I can see why your experience with her made you very suspicious of women. I’m not stupid.’
‘No, you’re certainly not. And I’m not blaming Antonia. The blame lies entirely with myself.’ Casper’s admission was delivered with uncharacteristic self-deprecation. ‘I allowed myself to see only bad in women, I expected only bad from women. And the chances of you having become pregnant on that one single occasion when I’d been told I was infertile—to have believed your story would have required a better man than me.’
‘You’re obviously super-fertile.’
He gave an aggressively masculine smile. ‘So it would seem. And now I need to ask you something.’ The smile faded and there was an unusual vulnerability in his dark eyes. ‘Do you still love me? Can you still love me? You haven’t said those words for a long time.’
Holly swallowed, her heart thudding hard. ‘You didn’t want to hear them,’ she whispered. ‘When I said them, or when I showed affection, you backed off. I didn’t want to scare you away.’
‘I taught myself to block out emotion because it was the only way I could survive,’ Casper said roughly, leaning forwards and cupping her face in his hands. ‘And I’m still waiting for you to answer my question.’
‘I’m scared even to say the words,’ she admitted with a strangled laugh. ‘In case the whole bubble pops.’
‘Say you can still love me, Holly. I need to hear you say it.’
‘I never stopped loving you,’ she said softly. ‘I just stopped saying it because it upset you. That’s another thing that “I love you” means to me. It means for ever. True love isn’t something you can switch on and off, Casper. It’s always there, sometimes when you’d rather it wasn’t.’
Casper’s breathing fractured, and he hauled her into his arms and held her tightly. ‘Don’t say that, because it reminds me how much I hurt you, and you have no idea how guilty I feel. You must have felt so alone, but I swear to you that you will never feel alone again.’
‘I don’t want you to feel guilty. I love you so much.’
‘I don’t deserve you.’
‘You might well be saying that to yourself when I’m singing in the shower,’ Holly joked feebly, and his grip tightened.
‘After the way I behaved, most women would have walked away. I was so afraid you would do the same.’
‘I would never do that.’
‘No.’ He withdrew slightly and stroked her cheek gently. ‘You have an exceptionally lovely nature. You are kind, tolerant and forgiving. You have tremendous strength, and I truly admire your single-minded determination to do the very best for our baby. And our baby is so lucky to have you as a mother,’ he murmured, pulling her against him again with firm, possessive hands.
Holly buried her face in his shoulder. ‘I was terrified that you wouldn’t love the baby.’
‘And I was terrified to open up enough to love anything, because I saw love as a source of pain.’
‘I know.’ Holly touched his face. ‘You were so wounded. I always knew that, and when we got together I told myself that, as long as I was patient, you would heal. I was so sure that everything would turn out all right, but I couldn’t get through to you. I couldn’t find the answer.’