I shiver and have to stop. I look around, a little embarrassed. I love Maldin, it’s a modern city built around an ancient one, so everything is a mix of new and old. It’s pretty well populated, though fortunately right now nobody is around to notice my glowing red cheeks. I doubt I’m the first woman to imagine having sex with the prince though, and definitely won’t be the last.
There’s also his reputation to consider. He’s a player, and I don’t know if this deal thing is for real. He might just be trying to trick me into bed. But does he need to resort to tricks to get women to sleep with him? I totally doubt it. I probably would have slept with him willingly if he didn’t say he wanted to marry me and get me pregnant.
I sigh and head into the coffee shop. I order a coffee and a little pastry for breakfast, and as I go to pay, I pick up a gossip magazine that happens to be in English on a whim. It has an article about the prince in there, and I can’t help but feel curious.
I take my coffee and my pastry and sit down outside in a little metal chair at a little metal table. People filter by as I sip my drink and eat my food. It’s actually pretty nice, but I can’t get the prince out of my mind.
I don’t know if I want to be a mother. I’ve always thought about it, and wondered if it’s something that I want, but I’ve never been sure. How would that even work, anyway? I can’t imagine having a baby and then giving him or her up. Nolan said that I could see the baby as often as I want, but it would be so strange. My own child would be raised by someone else, in a foreign country. He’d probably speak a language I don’t even know. I can’t imagine how I could even have a relationship with my own child like that.
And what if I don’t want to live in Polovia? Could I have a baby and then abandon him? That sounds like the most irresponsible thing in the world. But that’s exactly what Nolan said I could do. They’d raise our child here, and he’d be there for him as well. I know the royal family would take care of the baby, but I don’t know if that’s enough.
I don’t know if I could be an absent mother. But if I’m doing this for freedom, having a baby would seriously limit me. I’d be stuck in Polovia if I want to have any chance at a relationship with my own child.
I sigh and take a big sip of coffee, savoring the hot bitterness. It’s such a big decision. I open up the gossip magazine, almost as an afterthought.
The article about Nolan is pretty straightforward. It talks about him coming back to the castle to live at court again for the first time in over ten years. There’s a lot of speculation about him and his cousin, with the clear suggestion that he moved back to court to get back into his father’s favor.
Then, it talks about his past and why he’s not the front-runner for crown prince. Apparently, he doesn’t get along with his father, mostly because he loves to sleep with women.
And apparently he’s been with a lot of women. Like, an absurd number. The article says over a thousand, but I don’t know if that’s even possible. This is a gossip rag, after all. There’s a full-page spread of pictures of Nolan, which occupy my attention for a little while, before I finally put down the magazine and sigh.
What the hell am I doing? I’m reading about the man I might marry in a freaking magazine. It’s the most absurd situation I’ve ever found myself in.
“Excuse me, miss?”
I look up at an elderly man standing in front of my table, smiling.
“Oh, hello,” I say to him.
“I couldn’t help but notice your, ah, face,” he says. His English isn’t great, but I can understand him.
“Thank you?” I say, not sure what he meant.
“Oh, I mean, you look worried.” He smiles down at me. He’s probably in his seventies or eighties, with pure white hair and a sweater vest. He looks like every other old man in Polovia, but his eyes are light blue and very kind.
“I have a big decision to make,” I say to him.
He nods his head, understanding. “And you cannot make it,” he says.
“Right. I will lose something no matter which choice I make.”
He laughs a little and leans toward me. “That’s the trick,” he says. “You lose no matter what. You have to just choose, and hope it’s good.”
“That seems very pessimistic,” I say to him.
He laughs again. “Maybe, but it is true. Believe me, I am old, I know.” He stands up straight and looks serious for a moment. “No matter what, young lady, you only have one youth, so use it wisely.”
I look at him and nod. “Thanks,” I say.
He nods back and slowly walks away. I don’t know why he decided to stop and talk to me, but people in this country can be funny. They can be super friendly sometimes, but overall they’re very reserved. It’s also odd that he somehow knew to speak to me in English.