“Do I? That’s just the shock talking. Well, not talking, forming my facial expressions for me. I’m terribly shocked.”
“I look forward to shocking you a bit more after our marriage vows then.”
“Don’t make it a joke, please,” she said, suddenly feeling like she needed to lie down. Or dissolve into a gigantic puddle of wimpy girl tears. “I know you’re experienced and cavalier and having pity sex with an ugly girl is just a witty anecdote waiting to happen for you. But this isn’t funny to me. It’s my life. And I’m the one who stands to be hurt the most by this. I’m the one...”
“You’re the one who called yourself my punishment, Layna. I have said nothing cruel to you on that score. I don’t look at you and think that you’re ugly—neither do I feel like I’m doing you any great favors by marrying you and sharing your bed. In truth, you may find that you are more unhappy with the demanded fidelity than I am.”
“Why is that?”
“Because it will ensure that I’m around more, and you may tire of me quickly. You have this idea that I’m somehow more desirable stock because I’m not scarred. Let me assure you that while I may be physically undamaged, you are not by any stretch getting the better end of this deal. I am selfish, I have spent the majority of the past few years battling demons and addictions, and doing neither very well at all. You may think that what I’m giving you is pity sex, but don’t for one moment think that I don’t realize what I have on my hands is a pity marriage.”
She blinked back tears, his words settling over her like a heavy cloak, making it hard to breathe. “I don’t pity you. I don’t approve of you. I’m not sure that I like you, but I don’t pity you. This is...a marriage of no one’s convenience. What we do, we do for our country. And...I do it for children. Because I do want them. And I had thought that wasn’t possible for me, so to have the chance...I do want it. Power is something I don’t crave anymore, status is almost my enemy because it means I’ll be under scrutiny.”
“A marriage born of a sense of national duty and disdain then,” he said, dryly. “You flatter me.”
“I would imagine you’ve been flattered enough in your life that you don’t require much from me.”
“I’m sure my ego can weather it.”
“I’m not sure mine will survive any of this.”
“It will,” he said, his tone certain, authoritative. And in that moment, she saw a hint of the king he would be. So strange, because she knew the boy he’d been. Cocky and obnoxious in so many ways, but handsome as sin and just as tempting. She’d barely gotten to know the man he was now, wounded, damaged and self-deprecating. As much as the boy had loved himself, she had a feeling the man hated himself just as much.
But for one second, all of that fell away. And she saw nothing more than confidence. Nothing more than a smooth, unswerving focus.
“This is why I’m marrying you,” she said, her voice hushed now. “Because I believe that, no matter where you’ve been in the past, your future is tied to Kyonos. That with you we will rise or fall, and if we fall it will be because the people can’t get past what has been done. You leaving...”
“Me killing the queen,” he said.
“You didn’t kill her,” she said. “You were driving, but it was an accident. It was...”
“People think it, Layna. Just as the man who threw acid on you, trying to get to your father blamed him for his troubles.”