Pretender to the Throne(20)

                Nice that she knew all that. Now that there was nothing she could do about it. That would be for the woman who married Xander. And that woman would not be her.

                A twinge of anger hit her in the chest, burned like a pinprick and spread outward. This had been her future. And she was sitting in it now, not a part of it.

                She looked back up and saw him watching her, and it hit her then. What she’d lost. They would have been married for nearly fifteen years by now. There would have been children. She wouldn’t be scarred.

                It did no good to dwell on the past. It did no good to turn over what-ifs. But it was so hard when your biggest what-if was sitting across from you eating dinner, like he might have done if you’d married him way back then.

                Yes, it was a whole lot harder not to what-if in that situation. Easier when cloistered in a convent, away from any part of the life she’d once lived. Impossible here and now.

                “I wasn’t meant to be queen,” she said, her tone strong, a sharp contrast to what she actually felt.

                “Perhaps I wasn’t meant to leave.” His words burned through her. Because he had left. It didn’t matter what should have happened, only what had.

                “Why bother turning it over, Xander? It’s what happened. You did leave. And things have changed. We didn’t freeze in time here while you were gone like I’m sure you imagined we did. We went on. Things have happened, things that can’t be undone. I would have been...a silly and selfish princess back then anyway. And now...now it just couldn’t be.”

                “It’s hard not to turn it over here, though, isn’t it?”

                She put her palms flat on the table, her heart pounding, blood rushing through her ears. “Why did you come back? Really. I mean...what changed? You left, and no one ever thought you would be back, but here you are now, and you’re dragging me into it, so I want to know why.”

                He shook his head, didn’t say anything. He only stared out the windows into the darkness outside.

                “Answer me, Xander,” she said. “I have a right to know why you’ve crashed back into my life.”

                “Because there was nothing out there,” he said. “No answers. It fixed nothing. If Stavros wanted the throne, if it didn’t throw Eva’s future into disarray, I would never have come back. But I don’t do any good by being gone. I’m not sure I’ll do much good being back. I’m not sure I’m even capable of doing good. I think that where I’m concerned, all of the bad might run too deep.” When he said it like that, she believed he might be right. “But I came back, because if I didn’t it would stay broken. And now that I’m here, it might all remain that way, but at least it’s my broken mess and not theirs.”

                “You love them, don’t you?”

                “I don’t love easily,” he said, his voice rough. “But I would die for them.”

                “That’s something.”

                “A sliver of humanity?”

                “Yes,” she said, taking a deep breath. “What am I doing here, Xander? You’ve given me a reason. The press. But I have to tell you, I’m not sure I believe it.”

                “It’s part of it,” he said.

                “I need all of it.”