Precious Lace(4)

I sat stunned speechless. My brain couldn't even begin to comprehend what he was saying. "Carter, that's not—"

"Don't bother. I'll have Parker send the rest of your things to your apartment."

"Carter, no—"

"Eva, fucking stop. I hurt you. You should leave. I'm no good for you."

"You're the best thing in the world for me," I whispered, tears clouding my vision. His eyes shot to mine.

"How can you say that?" he said, his voice laced with anger.

"Because you are. I came alive when I met you. You make me feel things that I didn't even know I could feel. And Aspen… Aspen was beautiful, and I knew if our life together was like that, I knew I’d made the right decision the day I said yes." A sob choked my throat.

"Eva, please don’t cry." He rushed to my chair and sat on his knees in front of me. "I hurt you all the time. You were right when you said my past is fucked up, and you're the one that has to pay for it. My past and my future are colliding and I don't know if we'll survive it." He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close to him.

"I want to Carter. I want to survive it. Please, let's survive it. Tell me you still want to. I just... I don't think I can live without you," I whispered.

"Eva…" His eyes found mine. "I lost control. The person that matters the most in my life, I hurt. How can you forgive me?"

"That's not what happened, Carter." I placed my hands on his face and held his gaze. "I loved it. I loved what happened after. You didn't do it to me, we did it together."

He gazed at me with a confused look on his face. "I was so rough."

"You're always rough. I like you rough," I said with a wry smile. His eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Not for a minute." I shook my head and leaned into his ear. "It was hot, Carter. It makes me hot just thinking about it." I pulled away and his eyes were huge. He dropped his hands from my sides and looked down at the floor.

"Is that why you've been mad? Is that why you brought me home yesterday? Why you didn't talk to me at all on Sunday?" My heart wrenched at the memory. Maybe I was the angry one now.

He nodded slowly.

"If we would have talked about this we could have avoided so much pain, Carter." I heaved a sigh.

"I’m so sorry, Evangeline. You'll never know how sorry I am for what I did to you; how I acted, and then I didn't even talk to you about it. I’m sorry for taking you to your apartment. I'm so fucking sorry for everything." Emotion pooled behind his blue eyes.

"You have to talk to me next time. You can't just shut me out."

"I was ashamed," he whispered.

"Well next time say that, don't just fucking drop me off without a word. You don't want me to run, I don’t want you to throw up your fucking walls and block me out. You hurt me so much when you left me at my apartment. I thought we were over, Carter. I thought that meant you didn't want me." Tears ran down my cheeks uncontrollably.

"God, no Eva. Please stop crying. Please. I always want you. I never for a minute didn’t want you. I was just so ashamed, I thought you'd never want to see me again."

My shoulders heaved as my body was wracked with sobs. I was so confused. I wanted him in my life desperately but so much had happened between us. We'd caused each other so much pain. We loved each other but were we good for each other? I knew without a doubt that if we could be as happy as we were in Aspen we could be amazing, but could we find that here in Boston?

I literally felt like I was at a fork in the road. My heart said, “Stay, work on it, love Carter and let him love you.” My brain told me, “You’ll only get hurt. He'll go back to Madeleine, the only woman he admitted had always been there for him. He'll never be able to resist the charm and beauty of Nikki the next time she flirts with him at an event.” My stomach rolled in agony over the decision that I had to make.

"Will you take me back, Eva? Will you ever want me again?" He placed both hands on my shoulders.

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "I always want you, Carter, but we have a lot to get past. There is so much behind us and so much we still need to get through." I sat in front of him dejectedly.

"We will. I promise we will. No more walls. I swear to God, I’ll never block you out again. You make me whole in a way no one else ever could." He caressed my cheeks with his hands. I leaned into his body and let him envelop me.

I curled into him as my body shuddered with all of the tears I’d shed over the last day. My brain swirled with anger and hurt and love and confusion.