"Thanks." I heaved a sigh. Maybe we could skip this conversation and I could beg him to take me upstairs and press me up against those windows in the bedroom.
"Everything okay?" He dipped his head and his gorgeous blue eyes regarded me thoughtfully.
"Yea, everything is perfect." I chewed on my lower lip.
"Then why this?" He quirked an eyebrow and pulled my lip from between my teeth. I looked anywhere but in his eyes. "Eva?" A worried tone entered his voice.
"Sit down." I sat and patted the couch next to me. He arched an eyebrow in mild surprise before taking the seat next to me. I grabbed for his hand and stroked the soft skin. I think it was more to soothe my nerves than his.
"I love you so much," I started and then paused thinking how to word it.
"Yes?" He dipped his head to catch my gaze.
"I… don't really know how to say this," I whispered without looking at him.
"Just tell me, Eva. Anything. Whatever it is just tell me."
I bit my lip and my heartbeat roared in my ears as I slowly lifted my head to meet his eyes. Oh God, I can’t do this.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
But I have to.
"Carter, we're… we made a baby." I stopped breathing in that instant.
He only stared back at me. No words. No reaction whatsoever. It was like I hadn't spoken the words at all. Did I say them out loud? Did I only think I’d said them? Should I repeat myself?
"Carter," I whispered and brought my hand up to his jaw for a soft caress. His muscle flinched at my touch and a dark look crossed his eyes. I could see his chest heaving with his breath as his eyes penetrated mine.
"Carter." I pressed my palm a little firmer to his cheek.
"I thought you were on birth control." The words escaped through clenched teeth.
"I was. I am." I barely had the words out before his hand grabbed my wrist and wrenched it away from his face.
"How did this happen?" He looked at the paintings on the wall across the room.
"I… I don't know," I stuttered. But I’m happy, Carter. I’m so happy. Please be happy.
He sat for a few breathless moments, or a million, I wasn't sure. Then he stood up and headed out of the room.
"Where are you going?" I whispered, the heartache cracking my voice.
"To get a drink." He shrugged the jacket off his shoulders and tossed it on the back of a chair. I watched his beautiful form walking away from me, the muscles of his shoulders clearly defined beneath the perfectly fitted white dress shirt. I ached to run my fingers across his back, up his neck and into his hair. I wanted to soothe his mind. Tell him we would be okay, that this could be a good thing.
He went to the side table and poured a glass of whiskey and slung it back. He slammed the glass on the counter before pouring more of the amber liquid into it and then downing that too. I watched the beautiful, feral, angry man before me, slamming shots of whiskey because I was carrying our child.
"I’ll be in the office," he said through clenched teeth before leaving the room. My heart fell onto the granite tile and shattered into a million pieces and then uncontrollable sobs followed.
Nine
I woke curled up on the bed the next morning, still in my clothes and on top of the sheets. I had stumbled up here late last night after Carter had stayed holed up in his office for hours. I stretched and then ran to the bathroom to empty my bladder. My eyes felt raw and heavy from all the crying I’d done the night before. Carter obviously hadn't come to bed last night. What did that mean for us? Was this the end? Had he thrown his walls up and our little monkey and me were firmly positioned on the outside? My heart wrenched at the thought.
I took a shower and let the scalding hot water rush over my body. I rubbed my tummy and talked to the little human growing inside. I told him that I loved him, and that he was so wanted and so cherished already. I told him that his daddy would come around because he loved both of us, but deep down I wasn't sure if I believed it.
Tears streamed down my cheeks and sobs escaped my throat. I was deliriously happy to be given the one thing I’d never thought I could have and I was devastated that the one person I dreamed of sharing it with may not want us in his life. I stood in the shower for an untold amount of time. I didn't know if I’d washed my hair or my body, I couldn't remember, but by the time I stepped out I was pulling from a place of strength deep down inside.
If I had to raise our baby alone I would do it. I couldn't make Carter want us but I knew that I wanted this little baby and that would be enough. It would have to be. Carter's mom had done a beautiful job raising him, so I knew if I had to do it, it could be done. My heart tightened at the memory of his pain that night in the hot tub talking about his past. I hoped he wouldn't make that decision, but I had no control if he did.